And Just How Big Is This Can of Worms?
I just got back from seeing my T, last week I'd asked him if he would read "The Body Remembers" by Babette Rothschild, he put me off and said we'd talk about it later. Today I wanted to know why he was avoiding the issue, I don't usually question him like that. Eventually the discussion went to him saying that I would be introducing a third person in the room and that's not how he works. I said, that's bullshit, I don't think it went down very well.
When I originally asked him to read the book, he told me I was doing too much, because I described how I felt, then that became an issue because he said that he didn't say that, well I don't remember exactly what he said but he was trying to narrow what I am doing for myself. Well, if I don't do what I'm doing, then how am I supposed to deal with myself.
My reasoning for asking him to read the book is that when I talk about things I get various pains in my body, so I'm reliving this bodily crap and I want to learn how to deal with it, this is what the book is about, it also describes how to deal with flashbacks and all sorts of other helpful information that appears to me to be what I need at this time. When I tell him I've got this pain again, he nods a yes and that's it. I want to investigate the pains or work with them or whatever is available. I told him when he does that I get the feeling that he's not listening, he repeated that back as well.
I feel controlled, I want to ask why isn't my life my own.
He is very clear that everything that I need to get through 'this' is within his expertise. Not the word he used, but it's close. I also added that I want to quit the Wednesday appointment. That was bad timing on my part, I should have waited till Friday to tell him.
I can't tell if he makes sense or whether it's an ego thing. I am not sure that I would want to be honest with him any more, I feel like I screwed up.
Crummy at work, questionable in therapy, absolutely awful on the bus, thank goodness for isolation at home, where I can be with me and think my own thoughts. :smile:
Heather