Therapy Appointment - Wow! No Thank You.

[rainy_daze]

How was your appointment @VioletButterfly?

 

[VioletButterfly]

Well..... I went to see her and I was given a stack of papers to fill out. Seems to be the norm these days. The questionnaire wasn't as intense or invasive as the last therapist's form packet, and she was very nice. That being said, there were 2 quizzes I was asked to complete to determine anxiety and depression, and if I'd noticed any changes in the past 2 weeks. On another part of the form packet I was asked why I was there (concerns) and how long they'd been going on. So, the lady scored the quizzes during the appointment and kept remarking: "You don't fit the profile as being anxious" and "You don't score enough to show as depressed." Huh? I'm so anxious that I'm ready to ask my doctor for a major tranquilizer so that I can just sleep for 3 days. So, the therapist and I discussed these scores, the fact that there was a 2 week time limit put on the feelings of anxiety/depression so it didn't really seem to apply, and what I had noted earlier in the form re: what's been going on with me and for how long. She kept going back to her quizzes like she was trying to figure out a math equation - something didn't fit into this box? She finally tripped this and took some background info, then she made come comments related to my faith, directed me in my faith (um, that is so very not cool), told me about a couple of books to read, and set 2 more appointments for me. It was kind of weird and I didn't know what to make of it, but buttons had been pushed. Something didn't feel right. My intuition, told me to go. Also, she had left her phone on vibrate and it continued to go off during the appointment and she looked to see who was calling (I found this very disruptive and couldn't concentrate), and her partner knocked on the door and she got up to confer with her. Are you kidding?! So, I haven't cancelled the appointments.

I had a meltdown the next day and texted my GP asking for a referral/suggestions. I also called my insurance company regarding my benefits as I'd been given different answers re: Mental Health. The lady on the phone told me to try out as many as I needed to as it was important to get a good fit and that I feel comfortable. So, well, I made an appointment with an LCSW for this weekend. I'm curious to see how it goes. I'm totally open. Gotta run as NCAA is on, but I'll check back in tomorrow or Saturday. Thank you for asking about the appointment! VB

 

[rightkindofme]

Oof. Talking to someone else in the middle of a first appointment? Nope. Not ok. I'm sorry. Checking the phone?! Kick 'em to the curb.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Okay, so I just spent an hour or so typing out this long, rambly, anxiety-ridden post. I can’t do that to you, so I’ll just post that I’m anxious about my appointment because I’m so amped up with real-time crises right now re: my mother. Notice, I don’t even put the fact that I’m unemployed, facing scary news at the MD, and have anxiety through the roof for myself in the mix there. I think the problem is obvious on this level – enmeshment, CODA - however you want to couch it. I’m sickened in my heart, my mind, and my body by this illness and just want relief.

If nothing else, I hope this counselor is professional and has enough skills to help me with some foundation work on boundaries, self care, and thought/behavior pattern modification. I’ve lowered the bar and my expectations right now because I’m trying to be realistic. Sometimes, I have to break things down into very small pieces in order to accomplish tasks/accept ideas, etc… Maybe this approach might work better for therapy instead of holding the big trauma/PTSD issue out in front and working backwards. I don’t know.

I don’t even know if this is realistic or how this works in tandem with intrusive thoughts, catastrophizing, and resulting rampant anxiety and panic attacks. I just don’t know. Thank you for reading. VB

 

[rainy_daze]

"You don't score enough to show as depressed."

I tend to think to myself that the questionnaires are mostly bullsh*t. Who is to say that you aren't minimising how you feel when you fill them in? They really just act as a guide so a therapist can see if you're improving or not throughout therapy. I personally think face to face answering of questions is better than pieces of paper, but maybe that is just me.

I hope this counselor is professional

I have my fingers crossed for you VB.

I’m so amped up with real-time crises right now

Your stress cup is at full. I hope you can take some time for yourself to relax and give your mind a break, if at all possible. [There's many relaxation tips on the forums here, scattered around.]

help me with some foundation work on boundaries, self care, and thought/behavior pattern modification

It sounds like you have a clear goal for starting off in therapy, if I were you I would say that exact sentence to the T ^.

Good luck :tup: and please, no seeing therapists that leave their phones on vibrate and are not giving you their full attention :O_o::mad: that is crazy-inducing. Or if it will be the same T, tell her that is unprofessional and unacceptable. I'm surprised you didn't throw her mobile out the window or stomped on it until it broke :laugh:.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Thank you so much for responding. Not sure where I'm at right now. Much has happened with my mother over the past weeks and I'm left breathless. Due to our enmeshed relationship, I'm shredded. I met with my MD this past week and my T, who I had hoped would help me, today. I left utterly depressed. Not sure what this means or what I can do. I know the "needs to do" list very well, it's the execution that stumps me. I asked why I couldn't seem to follow-through today and was given nothing of value. So, I will focus on stabilizing my mom, and then work on myself and what supports me as best I can. I'm not sure this counselor is where I'll stay in therapy, I'm so exhausted. Is there a good T out there and how do I find her?

My MD is on board with support after our appt, but she's not a T; she's a pharmacist with an MD. Very good on the meds side, but on the other, forget it. I appreciate that that she is in my corner. That means a WHOLE lot!!!!! We're going to begin 2-3 week appts for accountability appointments and so that she can lay eyes on me. We've been here before for different reasons so it's really weird to be back here, but I appreciate her. I made a list of everything I thought would help me - mind/body/spirit.

I don't know what to do with the emotional though. I'm just exhausted. I have had a week full of figuring out WTF is going on with my mom's facility, what to do, understanding laws/licensure, where to move her, talking with nurses, ARPN for HC and an ARPN for psych and am now waiting on a psych eval at the existing facility. Through research, I also found out that the state in which M resides does not require that memory care units be licensed. WTF?!?!?! My state licenses everything. Seriously!?!? It never occurred for me to ask the other state, I just "ass" umed they would oversee and require licensure for a health care facility. Seriously!?!? So, she will be moved ASAP. The facility has been stone-walling me as daughter and POA. Really!?! Move her!!! Talked to the atty on Friday and this was her advice as well. Freacking stupid! I have a care manager on the case to help me as I am 4 states away. OMG! I just hate to upset her. ALZ patients are sensitive and she is my mom, no matter how horrible she was to me, I still want the best for her. 2 wrongs don't make a right.

So, I'm beyond stressed and have been told that I need to "stop that" by some means. I'm in the middle of personal and care-giver meltdown. At the same time, I need a JOB, dude. I have "expenses' for myself. I have a life for myself, right? Am I missing something? Sometimes, I think I was born just to service my mother as she told me. Everything I read about co-dependency tells me different as does my faith., but life shows me different. I'm so confused and overwhelmed .

I keep trying. Tonight's distraction (and every other night this spring) - NCAA basketball. I have been using the tournament as something to hang onto. Sad, man, freakin' sad.

Thanks for reading. My MD has no suggestions for a new T. . What do you guys think about this mess? I check the ALZ board because they're in the same boat, but I don't see a lot of ACOA/NAR folks posting - mostly bleeding heart loved ones. I can't relate; this woman HARMED me and still is. I don't know how to take care of my inner child. She's so hurting and confused. How do I help myself? I feel hopeless. VB (sorry!!)

 

[VioletButterfly]

So, updates. I updated stuff about my mom in another thread so won't bemoan it here. I'm not sure about the med my doc gave me to try out. We were both a little iffy on it. I'm having a boatload of side effects, so we'll see in a few days how I feel. I'm trying a new therapist tomorrow afternoon. My goodness. I feel like I'm on a therapist merry-go-round, and am ready to just get off and start reading books again.

So, I am left asking myself the question which got me through many months of one day at a time living - "What can I do?" to help myself today. Break down the big stuff, break down the little stuff. Also, gratitude lists, accomplishment lists, affirmations, praying, starting to eat or drink protein shakes again (this med is seriously sending me to the AN side of the table right now), at least hitting the big boards for jobs, taking walks in nature each day, reading my devotional... These are all on my accountability list I'll be working through with my doc every 2-3 weeks. That's our thing. At least I'll have that if I don't have a therapist who works out. I don't have to do everything every day, just what I can do for that day. It has to be enough at this point because I don't have anything left to give, but what I have at this moment in time. I'm also going to find Al Anon and ALZ/DEM support group meetings. I need some ESH, big time! Thanks. VB

 

[VioletButterfly]

Well, another one bites the dust. I believe I read out here on the boards that someone interviewed over 15 therapists, so I don't feel so out there. It's like my own therapy version of The Bachelor or something. Well, I still have the therapist I have seen 3 times, but am not thrilled with/am unsure of. At our next appointment, I'm going to do some inquiring about her style and our focus, the strategy, etc... I need structure and it's not happening. She prattles a lot about herself and I honestly can't determine if it would even matter if I were in the room or not. Hmmm, flag. And, my insurance carrier is paying for what? And, I'm spending my time how? I'm curious as I'm also watching myself be triggered by her behavior and her rather negative view on quite a few topics, and how I am not responding to her statements, nor am I doing anything about it. That's another flag for me. A big, waving one, no less.

I think I know how this will turn out, but maybe it's part of some strategy about which I don't understand. I just don't know. The interviewing has got to end for a spell though as this endless series of appointments with these folks has been traumatizing and retraumatizing.

I think I just need a job. Oh, that it were that simple. One less worry, though? Mercy! Maybe I just need to see progress on one front of my 5 alarm fire of a life. VB

 

[rainy_daze]

VB, I knew very little about my therapist personally. The focus in therapy was me. T didn't prattle on about herself. I completely see why you're spotting red flags with that T.

I would suggest to keep looking and not give up on therapy completely, although I understand wanting to focus on getting a job too.

 

[PollyScotland]

I agree with rainy-daze, it should never be about your T. They are there to help you, not for you to learn about them! All I learnt about my T was that he had children so could relate to my issues around parenting.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Thank you for your responses. Yesterday was a different story and she was on task. I started a new thread about the appointment as I thought this one was just getting too long. I think you are both telling me to listen to my own intuition and trust it. Right now, I just want to quit therapy and start working. Therapy isn't helping. VB