Relationship Therapy Books: A Bad Idea?

[happycamel]

Hi,

I'm new here so here goes. I'm in a long term relationship with my boyfriend who has PTSD after childhood sexual abuse. He has been in therapy for 4 years. We've known each other for over 15 years and have a good trusting relationship, though it's very hard sometimes.

Anyway, when he started therapy I did a load of reading about PTSD, abuse, therapy etc. I wanted to find out as much as I could to support him , try to understand and to enable me to deal with it a bit better and know roughly what to expect. I mentioned a couple of books to my partner that I thought he might find helpful (Trauma and Recovery, and Victims No Longer). He did not take this well. I suspect he may think I am trying to direct his therapy, or tell him what he is supposed to feel (I don't want to do either of these things).

He said his therapist had told him not to read any books about therapy. She said they would not help, and that they may be of interest after he had finished therapy. I was worried that he is closing himself off to possible sources of support and that it seems, sometimes, that he is locked into an exclusive 'closed' relationship with her. I don't mean in terms of confidentiality, but rather that he seems to take her word as gospel at all times. I understand that the therapy relationship is a very important one in terms of learning to trust again, but he is so vulnerable that I worry.

Anyway, I dropped it and haven't mentioned books for over a year. He recently brought it up again as if it was a major betrayal on my part. I feel hurt but I do want to do the right thing, and not make things any harder for him than they already are. Have I really stepped out of line? Are all the books useless? I know they could never be a substitute for therapy.

I'd be interested to see what folks think about this.

Thanks.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I have ptsd. I have always read therapy books. I have found many of them to be good and excellent resources for me. I am suspicious of his therapist telling him not to read any books. I thought therapists were supposed to be working with a client out of a job as the client got well? It seems to be an unhealty dependency.

But he is attached to his therapist so that presents a problem to him being unbiased and open minded. I have a huge red flag going up about his therapist.

I wish you well with this situation. Please take good care of yourself and keep us updated on how you are holding up. Good luck.

 

[happycamel]

Hi, thanks so much for your reply. I wonder though if there are other ptsd sufferers who share his suspicion of "the books"? I suspect his resistance may be due to fear of being triggered, but surely he can't go on avoiding all triggers forever? I shut up about it because of the therapist issue and because I was beginning to think he was using me as an excuse to avoid engaging with his therapy. He calls them "self help books" in a really contemptuous way and gets angry if I pursue it.

I do have big reservations about the therapist, but I can't intervene unless she totally steps out of acceptable boundaries. Even then I doubt my partner would forgive me. One thing that happened that made me boiling mad was what happened when he told her about his hatred of his body hair. He is very hairy. I have always liked this but he obsessively removes it and is often covered in cuts etc from shaving. He shaves off his pubic hair too which I hate....but it's his body at the end of the day. I always connected it to the abuse but he denies this. Anyway, his therapist, instead of supporting him in learning to like his body, gave him the number of a laser hair removal practitioner she had used. He spent a great deal of money on this and his body hatred seemed to get worse. He doesn't get it lasered any more.

 

[JustBe]

I agree. RED FLAG! This Therapist is scary. From my own limited experience ( only 2 months into Therapy) my T encourages me to learn all I can.

 

[piratelady]

I'm with Gizmo and Moving'On, I have concerns about the therapist. One thing I've read on here is that it can be good to read the books the therapists read - so not self-help books, but books about how to do therapy (directed towards the therapists). If, and I'm not saying you should, mention the idea of reading again, perhaps you could suggest he read a book on CBT or something? Then it's not "self-help" he is learning what his therapist knows.

 

[happycamel]

Hi,
My partner is having analytical psychotherapy. I think she uses a variety of techniques but mostly talking, although he has mentioned TA(transactional analysis). So a book on CBT would not be the right one.

I was very disappointed when he rejected 'Trauma and Recovery' by Judith Lewis Herman because it's such a great book. And as I understand it, she came up with the term complex PTSD and described a treatment protocol. I learned so much from reading it. If he would read it, he might know a bit more about transference which is possibly what's going on with his therapist.

However, I reckon it was the other book I offered, Victims No Longer by Mike Lew which he took objection to. All about male survivors of sexual abuse, so very scary for him. His therapist said he would get no benefit from reading anything like that as it would be intellectual rather than emotional.

Anyhow, how best am I to support him? Is it ever ethical for me to speak to his therapist? Is talking to her supervisor a better idea or a terrible one? Or should I just grit my teeth?

At some point we are going to go to couples therapy but he keeps putting it off. I thought of bringing it up there. His progress in therapy is so slow, 4 years and he's just started talking about the trauma. He says he's about half way.

 

[Wookie58]

I'd suggest it might be time for you to focus on yourself dear. Frankly this guy sounds somewhat abusive to me, based on your posts. Has this guy allowed you to be present at appointments? Sign up for MeetUps and go out on dates with new guys!