Relationship Therapy Denial

[JM318]

Feel ya on this one. My SO would probably be pissed that I post on here, no matter how vague I am ab...

We would hope not but it seems as if no matter what we do in attempt to make the situation/circumstances easier for ourselves/our hearts/our minds and for them too... it's never the right thing to them. Some of us are okay with bottling things and others need outside support, we are all different but looking for help doesn't make us weak or doesn't mean we have bad intentions, they don't see it that way, unfortunately

 

[Sighs]

My vet does not know I post here and I have no doubt he would be royally pissed if he found out. I take that risk because its better than talking to people who actually know us! I would never ever talk to my friends let alone any mutual friends about his issues.

You seem to still be looking for a future with him "after PTSD". There is no after PTSD. He will always have it. He may manage it well for periods of time but there will be periods of time when it gets on top of him again. It sucks but that is the reality.

 

[EveHarrington]

I personally think it's quite reasonable for your boyfriend to not want you to confide in mutual friends.

Some things are meant to stay private.

Whenever triangulation happens, I'm out. Two against one? People knowing things I wanted kept private?

Trust is blown.

Completely.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

do most people go through a denial phase when starting therapy?

I did. It took me a year, going every week for a year, to tell my therapist why I was really there but "I didn't need therapy" and "was only there because I was forced to be". I've called my therapist every single nasty thing one can say to another (thank god he is an amazing therapist and knows how to not just take that but take that and gently turn it to being something healing).

I accepted the BPD diagnosis as it was suspected by me years before, but the PTSD diagnosis was reject by me for many months, as was other things he said I had or exibited, such as Stolkholm (at the time).

So yeah, i was in denial and rejected therapy for a long, LONG, time.

Is it possible he will never have a break through and always blame me for everything?

I mean, I guess. Anything is possible really. But I think you are looking too hard at this. He has symptoms. Those symptoms get worse with therapy in the beginning and possibly for a while. That't how I see that.

How do I get him to feel differently?

You can't get anyone to feel anything. We control our own feelings. But, to be honest, if I found out a supporter told mutual friends (or anyone I know in real life) that I have PTSD or trauma or anything, that's done for me. I'm gone. That is mine to tell, not theirs. So, in my opinion, don't seek support from mutual friends or even people you both know. Seek it here anonymously or with people he knows know and are ok with them knowing or with people he doesn't know.

I realize I am just getting in the way of his recovery and not giving him TRUE space to get through what he needs to get through. I keep seeing signs from the universe of "hope" and I know deep down we are meant to be together, I just have to let it go and let things happen the way they are supposed to.

This confuses me. So is he just isolated from you or is he fully seperated from you?

I appologize if I didn't read it correctly or if already advised as I didn't read any replies.

 

[dulcia]

I would never ever talk to my friends let alone any mutual friends about his issues

I did in the beginning and now I regret it. Confided when I was struggling and was looking for support, not just b*tching about "his issues", but still.

But, to be honest, if I found out a supporter told mutual friends (or anyone I know in real life) that I have PTSD or trauma or anything, that's done for me. I'm gone.

^Whoops. Awesome. I didn't know at first. Sh*t.

 

[JM318]

I personally think it's quite reasonable for your boyfriend to not want you to confide in mutual...

We chatted today. He said it's fine that I confide in mutual friends but he doesn't like when I reach out to his friends that I don't know (not mutual friends)... I met his God daughter before and his god daughters mother had commented on a Facebook post saying she would love to see uncle F... I messaged her and said we werent together but he's getting the help he needs (trying to be vague) yada yada yada and she assumed he was on drugs or something and contacted him so that's why he got angry. Makes sense. I promised him it wouldn't happen again.

 

[JM318]

I did. It took me a year, going every week for a year, to tell my therapist why I was really...

Thank you for your reply that makes a lot of sense. We are now broken up (for our 3rd time) since July when he started therapy. We talk here and there but most of the time has been cold. Today he's being okay. His biggest thing was the privacy thing, keeping our business to ourselves, and I apologized and told him it wouldn't happen again so that's a positive. He told me he hasn't seen anyone and doesn't care to, and I asked if I should "move on" and he said that's my own call to make. He would never ask me to wait/stay... and I'm sure all you said was correct, therapy will probably be worse before it gets better and he's only 4 months in, weekly visits. My mother told me (and his mother) said to "move on" meaning to focus on myself and school and give it until this time next year. If things don't improve then make a decision then, but clearly we both love each other and can both use the time apart. Thanks for the advice.

 

[Crow]

yet 4 months later he still goes weekly.

Seriously? What are your expectations on how long trauma therapy takes?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

focus on myself

Always! Always take care of you!

I'm glad I could help!

And yes, trust is huge! My dad does a lot of that where he tells my family a ton of shit that isn't his to tell. I mean most of my trauma that my family knows (and then uses against me) was told to them by my dad. I don't trust him one bit now. I tell him nothing in confidence. Therefore he can't support me. Confidence is super important. I need to know that I can confinde with you and it stays with you.

he's only 4 months in, weekly visits.

I've been in therapy 8 years and still go weekly. This is going to take longer than months.

I get the thought process as after I learned how to control my explosions a bit and got clean from huffing duster my dad said "you are better now. You don't need therapy anymore". Yeah, not true.

I will likely be in therapy for at least a few more years.

 

[JM318]

Seriously? What are your expectations on how long trauma therapy takes?

You read that wrong/or I worded it wrong... I meant he said he brings nothing to the table at therapy but is still going weekly. This whole post is about denial...

I don't think therapy has a time limit everyone is different

 

[lostforgottensoul]

he said he brings nothing to the table at therapy but is still going weekly.

That's great that he is still keeping up with weekly appointments. Tell him, of you speak to him again about it, that it's still early yet. He likely won't feel like he is doing much work in therapy for a while. Or at least I didn't.

I think it's wonderful that you are looking here on how to support him better. Don't forget about taking care of yourself though. :hug:

 

[Gs172003]

Which would explain why he still uses me as a punching bag?

I blame my husband for everything. Intellectually I know it's not all him but everything else doesn't care. It's going to take ALOT to change that. Im not a veteran either so if it's that hard for me I can't imagine how hard it will be for your vet. Maybe your best bet would be to get some help for yourself and just let him heal on his own.