I think I understand exactly what you mean. The use of tools can feel like getting the cart ahead of the horse.
I have been through an entire healing process many years ago but was not diagnosed with ptsd, but being an adult child of alcoholic or ACOA/co dependency. I attended group therapy and identified and worked on many of my irrational beliefs (think they called them at time). Black and white thinking or right and wrong, awfulizing, fixing for others, learning assertiveness skills, boundary issues, etc. I had the tool box and got it in my head, but not in my heart (that is how I described it at the time and do again but now with ptsd).
At that time, I had two kids under 3, and a teenager from 1st marriage that is bi-polar and borderline who was acting out and I was often target as well.
EXAMPLE: Practicing tough love was in my tool box. T shared how and why it was important, I read books about it. It made sense and I got it on an intellectual level, but my heart was resistant. Initially I had to consider much of what I did or how I acted/reacted with her. I learned to practice a healthier style of parenting, not engaging in arguements, saying no, etc. but it was so uncomfortable that my heart hurt and it did not feel good. I had to let her make mistakes and fail and keep my mouth shut and not enable her. It was not only uncomfortable, but because I learned this behavior in my family of origin, I was guilted by my sister and others. This cause and issue of meddling by others, so I had to learn to give a broken record message such as "it is really none of your concern" over and over with my T telling me that it would work when it really wasnt. Using I statements and owning my feelings rather than appearing to blame in communication. "When you do x and y, I feel very z. Reality is, when one person in family makes such changes, its often not received well, so it actually got worse before it got better.
T taught me others can't make me feel any particular way, that I am responsible for my feelings, and changing my beliefs will cause my feelings to change. Yet when I asserted myself (in past I let sisters dictate as I was youngest), I sure felt anger that I had not felt when I just went along with others trying to please them. It was easy to know parents were so dysfuntional because they were so blatent, but it was harder to admit that I had so much hurt from my sisters behavior and others that I was learning were really dysfunctional. So now I had anger toward some that I had not had before, or likely was just in denial about.
I don't know if what I am saying is making any sense or is on the track of what you are explaining. I know my T told me that I had anger, which was causing health problems, yet I was so disconnected from feeling and displaying anger that it took me a long time to get in touch with it. (Never really allowed to be angry, it was for others to be angry with me and I was the scapegoat often)
The major thing here is that I got it in my head before I could get it in my heart. I could logically see how I could be angry about past treatment, but could not easily feel it.(I feared anger) Of course there were many emotions that led to that anger, hurt, rejection, being humiliated, embarrassed, unimportant, etc. (I also played the tough role and never asked for what I needed, I didnt even know, so hard to admit hurts) I know that I had to have some distance from those that I felt so hurt by.
Maybe you do need to have some distance too and allow yourself the opportunity to feel the primal and raw emotions before really utilizing the tools, but you can always be collecting the tools for later use while in this process. Since your T has never mentioned this, maybe T is on same track with you. I personally think that when someone has decades of build up of emotions and then begin attempts to change and there is strong emotions such as lack of trust and for good reason, sometimes we need to begin as a child almost, like uncensored. It helped me to write. I would begin with it being off the cuff, rambling, saying it without critiquing (never with intent of sharing). The initial was a laundry list of hurt and why and even giving incidents that caused and likely sounded blaming. It was letting it out, lashing out without sharing so nobody was getting hurt, but I was getting it out and I could be unreasonable if I wanted as well.
I also discovered that while I learned what was socially acceptable as I grew older, I was still feeling the pain from that as a child, or whenever things happened. (guess it was the child that was scared, hurt, lacked trust, felt betrayed, neglected, rejected, abused, used, etc. and I was somewhat stuck there until doing it this way) Eventually my writings became more peaceful, and the events did not matter, just the feelings. Ultimately I came to see that the person involved grew up with same dysfunction and experiences and forgiving was possible. However, there was no magic trust built as they were not on a journey to heal and own their stuff. They stayed the same and thats ok.
If this is not helpful and I am not understanding, just disregard Sorry for the long post.
