Therapy Resistant?

[Sterre]

You are all so sweet and supporting ((( to all)))

It's like she's the vehicle you were riding in on your road to recovery. She couldn't go further, and had to tell you the vehicle wasn't able to go further, so it was time to get out of the vehicle... rather than sit there stuck in the same place with vehicle that isn't going anywhere.

[tempted to insert puns about her blowing a gasket, running out of gas, or being a poor driver and driving it into a ditch, LOL...]

I love your analogy BloominWinter! Thank you so much! Would it be okay to copy it into my dairy section, just as a reminder?

 

[BloomInWinter]

Sterre, my posts are always free to be used however people wish. I'm sure on some level I stole that from somewhere, LOL!

 

[intothelight]

Sterre,

I have been without a therapist since March. I opened up and she was terrified at what she saw, and really didn't think I would be much above "barely functional". Basically, she made me angry and I decided to prove her wrong. So far, I have.

But that is just it, a therapist is a human being and some are better equipped to deal with a trauma and certain personality types. Other times they are not equipped. Take your time and find a therapist that you believe will take you to the next level.

Or you can always get pissed and prove them wrong. :oops:

Deb

 

[Sterre]

Thanks Intothelight, it is very comforting to know that there is a life after therapy!

How did you manage the first couple of days after the break up, or disabiliating and rude comment, about you woulndt bemuch above barely functioning (where did she get the nerve to state something like that?:devilish:)

For now my strategy is to mediccate myself temporaraly with calming medication ( xanax) to keep my anxiety levels down.(so more spelling mistakes, for wich i am sorry)
How did you cope with it the first couple of days?

 

[intothelight]

Sterre,

She saw me a few days after an extreme self-harming episode. I came in broken and was totally honest for the first time. I think it was then she realized the depths of the damage she was dealing with, and was probably overwhelmed. However, her response shocked me into really looking at what was happening. It was at that moment that I realized that no one could do this for me and it was really all up to me. Sure, therapists can offer advice, suggestions and guidance, but bottom line, it is up to the client to do the work.

Honestly, I took all that she had taught me, started reading everything I could get my hands on, started with the area I felt I needed to address first and decided on a plan. I also decided if that didn't work, there were other things to try and I would keep going until I conquered the first area. All I can say I hit a turning point, where it was up to me to control whether I lived or died. It was a spark of determination and fight, and it is a flame that keeps getting bigger.

So I spent the first few days evaluating and learning. Then I spent the next few weeks trying out different strategies, coping methods and lifestyle changes. Sterre, basically I had very little to lose and everything to gain.

Sterre, find the ONE thing that cripples you the most and drill down from there. Break it apart, write it down and then write down the things you have learned that will help you change and/or cope. Then pick one little piece and follow a plan. It is funny, but just having a plan and a direction will help the first few days.

Keep writing...

(((Many hugs)))
Deb

 

[Sterre]

ha, starting right away!

Up to the dairysection it is! Thanks for the tip!

 

[Tabula-Rasa]

I can say that "resistance" and "anxiety" is how I FOUND memories after delayed-onset PTSD Amnesia, so I was predisposed to go "toward" resistance that I felt, rather than away. That said, your therapist pisses me off.

As far as I can figure out, resistance and avoidance and EVERY flavor of putting feelings and experiences into a box is EXACTLY part of the symptoms of PTSD.

That said, there's only so much a therapist can do if you're THAT much unwilling to face ... whatever happened to you. If he/she asks and you blow it off... they ARE kinda stuck.

Partly, THEY are supposed to lead you and I out of the hole. Partly, though, WE have to work our OWN way out of the hole.

Imagine it like this: You and a loved one falls into a hole. YOU find a vine to cling to, but your loved one falls to their death. A person offers you their hand to help you climb up, but you're so busy looking down to the person you lost, you don't see the helping hand. You have a LOYALTY to the loss and looking down. To GRAB that hand is to BETRAY the loss.

I think your therapist is a lazy, stupid good-for-nothing, but hopefully, this is that conundrum that they are encountering. My suggestion is to find a better insurance policy, then better therapist. My own therapist has attacked ,e on much worse, but she works WITH me. She SHOWS me., then leads me out of where I am at THAT moment. She is SMART, outsmarts me and is willing to put the time into it.

Get THAT therapist.

 

[Sterre]

I can say that "resistance" and "anxiety" is how I FOUND memories after delayed-onset PTSD Amnesia, so I was predisposed to go "toward" resistance that I felt, rather than away. That said, your therapist pisses me off.

As far as I can figure out, resistance and avoidance and EVERY flavor of putting feelings and experiences into a box is EXACTLY part of the symptoms of PTSD.

That said, there's only so much a therapist can do if you're THAT much unwilling to face ... whatever happened to you. If he/she asks and you blow it off... they ARE kinda stuck.

That is exactly How I felt, I felt I had to go towards the resistance, to go towards the pain. But I did not recongize it when I was putting up a defense, and I hoped that she would point it out me. Or make me see that I was avoiding issues.
But due to her gentle nature, and supporting personality, she could not confront me in a way that I understood. She was unable to stimulate me in that strategie.

It is not her fault, nor mine, its personality mismatch. My defense is strong and I am verbally very good with words and theory, I always needed someone to stand up against me in a clear way. That is not her style, that is not how she wants to work. She prefers the gentle, soft and caring approach, and at that she is very good at.
But to get trough the last part of the proces I needed stronger interventions. She cannot provide this for me.
It's sad but it is the way it is.

I am not under the impression that I was unwilling to face my resistance, defence, or trauma's, I just didnt understand her ways of trying to make it clear to me.Thats really a shame. Because we where both willing, but couldnt reach that point togheter.

Ussually I do best with clear, confrontational and direct communication, and she just comminicates in a diffenrent way than I can hear.

 

[maddog]

I understand and relate to this very much Sterre. I am the same way and require someone who is firm, confident, direct and has the ability and willingness to push me very hard, sometimes painfully, in order to break through my fears and defences. I would not respond at all to a gentle, suggestive approach or to anyone who was less intelligent, assertive or dominant in the relationship than I am. I recently concluded, after some musing as to why I have such a functional and productive relationship with my T but such a disconnected and largely meaningless relationship with my psychiatrist (and all of his predecessors) that I am actually the sort of person who prefers and works best with a confident capable leader in the relationship. But in the absence of such a leader I tend to become unpleasantly domineering and, in some instances, almost patronising out of frustration, as though saying "if you don't take control of this relationship and offer something meaningful to it, then I'll take a control you'll never get back."

It's a rather unpleasant thing to have discovered about my personality, but it does fit with other observations of situations that came to mind when I first thought about it.

All that to say that I'm so lucky that my T is a straight shooter who is not afraid to take me on and knock me down occasionally. Thankfully he has the precious gift of being able to hit hard without actually hurting me, and I treasure this every day.

Maddog

 

[Sterre]

... I am actually the sort of person who prefers and works best with a confident capable leader in the relationship. But in the absence of such a leader I tend to become unpleasantly domineering and, in some instances, almost patronising out of frustration, as though saying "if you don't take control of this relationship and offer something meaningful to it, then I'll take a control you'll never get back."
maddog

I used to be that way in romantic relationships. But I found out that I function best in a equal kind of relationship. Some kind of cooperation between me and the other. Like co-pilots flying one plane. Both in the pilots seat, no leader, no follower but a dynamic that stimulates and shift between two persons.

I dont get scared if someone confronts me in a direct and honest way. Well, thats not always true, sometimes I do get hurt or angry if someone confronts me in a hard way, but after my initial reaction, I ussually get the message.

But I understand the dillema of my ex-T, I think. Her main goal was to build a trusting and safe relationship, and for the first four years it wirked well, she gained more trust from me than anyone had gained ever before. I trusted her and I felt safe with her. That was a real accomplishment on her part. She didnt want to push me away.
But it seems now that we couldnt move beyond that safe space. Maybe she was affraid to hurt me, or to re-traumatise me again by confronting me and shifting towards a more confrontational relationship, where the trust that was build up could remain.Or maybe she just cannot do that because it is not in her nature. I dont know.

What happend was that I grew more and more dependend of her shelter, and that bothered me a great deal.It made me feel more helpless and vulnerable.
It is comparable with the relationship between an mother and child. The mother wants to protect the child from harm, but in the mean time starts to smother her with her protective nature.But when the child grows up it wants more freedom and wants to break free, knowing there is always a safe haven with her mother.
She ( and I) could not break free out of the protective bond we had formed. The child became an adolesant and needed guidance and confrontations in order to grow. I needed her to say to me, go out, make mistakes, you can do it, I will guide you trough it. I needed her to point out to me wich mistakes I made and why, so I could find a solution to solve the problems I ran into. I needed her to stand up to me, and point out to me that I was defensive, that I was avoiding. Not by a soft wispering voice, because I cannot hear that wisper througout the loudness of my defences. Her wisphers were to soft to reach me in a proper way.

I feel sad about it, because I know that she wanted me to heal and feel safe with her. And I did feel safe with her for a long time. And now its gone.
It really sad that we could not find another way to solve this.

 

[Marie E.]

(((Sterre)))

 

[olaja]

Sterre, I was just so impacted when I read your post. I write this response to you because I could probably be labeled "therapy resistant" as well. My therapist has said to me, " I don't know how to help you." Sometimes I do not know, either. Sometimes I don't care. But, we continue to meet and to repeat the work we do together.

I can see sometimes that she feels frustrated at my "lack of progress" "lack of opening up"(my words). Me, I get so pissed at the quiet and gentle. (She is gentle and strong at the same time, and I have not had this kind of attachment relationship in my life previous to this.) But, at some deep level, I am responding. I have had huge break-throughs, but the lesson from this, that I believe she will bring to other clients is, that healing trauma is on my schedule, and no one else's. I wonder if your old therapist just got impatient.

Even thought you feel alone, you have us, sterre. Hang in there, please.