Relationship Therapy Talk - What's Off Limits?

[Dandelion]

My boyfriend just recently started therapy and is understandably a bit shaken up and unpredictable right now. Having made the long journey to the realization that PTSD is what's causing him to behave the way he has the last couple of years, I'm honestly a bit relieved. I know the road to recovery isn't going to be easy, but at least now there is a road.....

My question is this: Is it ok to talk to him about it?

I don't expect to know the intimate details of his therapy sessions because I realize there's a lot of things that are really hard for him to talk about, but the big picture stuff: what he's learning, how he's feeling, etc - is that off limits too?

I tried to reach out and let him know that I'm educating myself on PTSD as much as I can (this site, books, etc) so that I can better understand and support him. He says he doesn't want to talk about how messed up he is.

Any advice on reaching a middle ground for communication? I know I need to give him space and time, but his PTSD has become a huge presence in our daily lives - for he and I to simply not talk about it is to try to ignore the pink elephant in the room....

 

[marc and honey]

It sounds like you have a great relationship for the most part. I caution you, if he wants to talk to you about it he will. Trying to get him to tell you about trauma might cause him to reexperience the trauma. With PTS avoidance can be one of our best and worst defenses, best because we avoid what makes us feel poorly, worst because we tend to isolate from life. I am working on rebuilding my relationship with my wife after she pushed me into talking about my trauma. I got so bad that I avoided her for almost a whole week. Since then, when we start talking I am on guard for her trying to bring it up again. What I would like to pass on is that love is very powerful and can be miss used unintentionally. I would see no harm in asking what techniques he is learning or asking what relaxes him. For example I like comedy and music, i need space and time. He may be diffrent. Thank you for being a supporter, it may be frustrating and tiresome but you truly make the diffrance in your spouses life and recovery your support and understanding give him a reason to fight. Thank you.

 

[Springer80]

Hi,

This is what I'd say to my previous failed relationships if I had the time over. PTSD in not a mental illness in the way people conceptualize most mental illness. It has a very physical impact that paradoxically can get greater if you approach it in the wrong way. Did you ever see the end of the original 'Italian Job' film? A bus is hanging over the edge of a cliff, a whole bunch of bank robbers are at the cabin end and a pile of gold is at the other. Everytime they move forward to try and recover the gold they imbalance the tilting bus and the gold moves further away.

It is exhausting for the person experiencing it and he will be in muscular pain, head aches, dissociative states, insomnia, massive rushes of adrenaline, memory problems because the brain is trying to regulate conflicting processes that it cannot stop.

I think the best thing you can do is empathise that he doesn't know what to do really and you don't either. DO NOT PUSH, negotiate very small issue you can help with to make him feel relaxed and cared for. Food, baths, walks, allow him to be quiet about it because essentially its like a constant noise in his head and body that he can't turn off and the more people ask him how and why? well the more distressing an already distressing situation will be.

You can't talk a broken leg to fix faster, if you questioned someone repeatedly as to why they weren't growing new bone material faster you'd drive them and you insane. But the cruel thing with ptsd is not would that be distressing and hurtul it actually stops/delays/worsens the 'leg' cos extra stress about ptsd stops him getting to heal the ptsd itself.

He isn't trying to be difficult and what I'm saying seems counter intuitive but you know they used to have convalescence for soldiers inorder to decompress. I think thats probably the best thing. Talk to him about that. Ways you could both help to create a smooth an environment for him to heal in as possible and I'm sure in time as he can physically cope with the deeper stuff he would confide in you if he has calm reassurance in the wings. I think reading up for your own sake, maybe speaking to charity orgs/ spousal support groups would be good for you definitely.

Also food is another thing cos this plays havoc with your nervous system and ability to sleep. You could help in a stealthy sort of way, NOT sneaky though just not invasive and let him know its because you care.

I suppose this is more of a personal post for me, hard things learned....so apologies if it doesn't take into account your situation particularly, it's more a letter to my younger self.

 

[Springer80]

Oh yeah,....stressful situations...parties, noisy crowds, people asking how he is too much, money problems sorted in advance etc, no big issues left to the last minute. I'm not saying you should do all this for him....I'm saying you should talk to him about you realizing that extra stress isn't good so when he is feeling with it you both should come up with a strategy that would suit/alleviate his symptoms.

 

[Springer80]

Hi Marc & Honey,

Is that your assist dog in your avatar picture? You know that might not be a bad idea Dandelion? There's a lot to be said (and proved actually) for animals helping with the condition. I've heard of some projects using horses cos they're very in tune with peoples emotions. Think Robert Redford in The Horse Whisperer....:)

 

[marc and honey]

Springer, yes thats my service dog Honey. She is a huge help in my life, probably the best therapist in the world. Animals in general can be a big help. The advantage about Honey being a service dog is she can go with me just about anywhere. We have even been on an airplane ride with me to Kansas city and back. To bring this back onto topic. If your boyfriend seems more relaxed around other peoples animals, a pet may make him more comfortable.

 

[rightkindofme]

Ok, so I come home from therapy and write a play by play for the internet. I am the opposite of private. The idea of being the only one to know the story of my life literally keeps me up at night.

I get the general impression I'm unusual. So I would say that it is ok to ask until he tells you to stop asking. You shouldn't necessarily just assume you can never ask. People vary. And my husband and I have a few code phrases like, "So there is something I've been rehearsing in my head and I don't think I have it right but I hope you can listen to my practice and not get mad at me while I work it out verbally. At first this may be insulting." Then we go at whatever it is we are talking about. That's kind of our (not)short hand way of saying, "Please don't hate me for what I am about to say. Please don't get mad. Please don't scream." But it's less insulting when I'm in a bad mood. It puts the onus of poor wording but well intentioned on my mindset. It's kind of a run-around.

We have a variety of code-things like this we have worked out. But he is on the autism spectrum and I have PTSD and he's a trained hypnotherapist and did a bunch of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) before we were married. So we have a very "Oh, we are having a conflict. How do we solve it?" approach to life. We try fixes one right after another. It's kind of freaky to me the way he can adapt. I'm just grateful. I'm trying to deserve him. Progress not perfection--right?

 

[Dandelion]

First of all, cute dogs!! Trust me, I know the unconditional love of having a dog. I adore my little rescue dog and his cuddling has gotten me through many a difficult night. My boyfriend loves him too and I bring him along when I go to visit him (we live about an hour apart). He would love to have a dog of his own, but his work schedule is just too busy for him to take care of a pet. Plus, you add in deployments, etc......it just wouldn't work :(

Marc and Honey - Thank you. Our relationship is far from what it used to be, but we do still love each other beneath all the pain of PTSD. I appreciate your advice and I would never ask him about the trauma specifically, as I understand that that is too much of a dangerous topic. He will share those details when and if he's ever ready for me to know them. I'm perfectly ok with that. What I'm more interested in is knowing where we're at int he process - if he feels like it's helping, what things he's learning to help him get by, if there's anything that I can be doing to help him........those sorts of things. He wants to shield me from his issues and that's respectable, but his issues have consumed him to the point that he barely talks to me anymore. I just want him to realize that we're in this together and it's ok to show me his vulnerable side.

Springer80 - DO NOT PUSH is something I've had to learn the hard way. More importantly, I've had to learn that those words mean an entirely different thing when you're dealing with someone with PTSD. Sometimes the simplest questions that would've never mattered before will now hit him in a different way and suddenly he's enraged before I even know what happened. He used to talk about his deployments openly and even tell funny stories. Now, it's best not to bring them up at all.

And yes to everything you said about stressful situations and people asking how he's doing, etc.......It didn't hit me that his behavior might be PTSD until he came back from his last deployment and he flipped out while we were waiting in line at a crowded fast food restaurant. He started pulling away from his friends and family, which, of course, caused them to question him about why he was pulling away and if he was ok. The more they questioned, the more he ignored them. Now, he barely speaks to anyone. He at least gives me about a 10 minute phone call each day and a handful of texts (usually in response to mine). His friends and family won't hear from him for months though.

One last thing, it's funny that you mentioned food because we just had a conversation (and a little disagreement) about that. He eats total junk food and there's not much I can do about it. However, in my efforts to take care of myself in all this, I've been eating healthier than ever and I really do feel it plays a big role in my being able to handle this stress. He just laughs at me and calls me a health freak if I try to talk to him about it though :(

rightkindofme - You sound more like me. If I learn something new, I'm telling everyone about it. I'm very verbal and expressive and I definitely have the "how do we solve it?" approach to conflict. My boyfriend used to have all of those qualities as well and that's why his new behavior baffles me. It seems all of my troubleshooting instincts have no use in this situation. I hope that we'll learn techniques to help us re-adapt to each other as you and your husband have.

 

[Springer80]

He wants to shield me from his issues and that's respectable,

That's what I mean as a ptsd paradox, he is actually protecting himself.

 

[Dandelion]

What is he protecting himself from though?

 

[Springer80]

The physical shock of relieving his trauma. I was abused/drugged/kidnapped. I knew what had happened to me, I was sensible about how something so bad could be shocking to my system and life changing but actually feeling the emotion is a totally different thing. In a way thats what ptsd is, the body short circuits itself in-order to protect its various systems from the reality of what happened and then when it tries to carry on 'normally' i can't.

So if he doesn't talk about it he does have to risk the physical and emotional horror. The thing is though and certainly in my own case, I couldn't take the physical shock of what had happened in one go, so my body drip fed what I could cope with....ie. nightmares etc. and I medicated myself to cope with this and to cope with being expected to carry on fitting in.

 

[Dandelion]

I guess I have trouble with understanding how talking about general things is so difficult for him. I've told him that we don't have to talk about serious stuff, we can talk about silly stuff like we used to. It doesn't seem to help much though. I try to give him space and leave him be, but if I pull away, it's days before he starts asking where I am.....and once he's got the comfort of knowing that I'm ok, it's right back to his shell he goes.

I just don't understand how it all clicks together. He says he loves me and misses me, etc....but he he barely talks to me. Meanwhile, I'm over here constantly wishing he would talk to me or be excited or affectionate...or anything that he used to be. To me, when I miss someone, it means I want to spend time with them. To him, missing me is just that - he just misses me. He has the opportunity to spend time with me, but I guess he can't emotionally handle it right now.

I just hate that someone who used to be genuinely interested in my day to day life can now go days without talking to me and think nothing of it. We used to share everything and I couldn't wait to tell him the latest things and vice versa. It's very painful to no longer be able to turn to him for support, or advice, or companionship......I really miss him. I hope therapy can help restore some of what's missing.