Things only get worse, never better.

[In the weeds]

But all of my BEST memories/parts of my life? Came AFTER I spent a significant portion of my energy trying to off myself, get myself taken out.

Same here. So many times I've thought to myself "wow, if I'd have been successful in ending it all, I would have missed this. Whatever "this" was at the time.

Please keep remembering that the best is yet to come. You just can't see it yet.

 

[Friday]

They don't have that choice. The legal system is against me because I'm male. Neither I nor the children will be protected by it.

My ex made millions. (He was a grocery clerk, when I met him). His lawyers made more per hour than I made in a month. He ADMITTED to attempting to kill me (several different times, in the last year of our marriage, alone)… in open court… as well as abusing our child; and was not only never criminally charged, but got 50% custody. The actual ruling read : Due to years of abuse & neglect, by the father, we find there is no relationship between father and son. Therefore, we award 50% custody to the father, in order to repair that relationship. My son tried to kill himself, 6 months later.

Courts are a shitshow, in every nation I’ve ever been in.

That’s not a reason to give up.

That’s a reason to fight… in a different direction.

Carrying on would be literally insane.

You’re against insanity? Seriously?

Where’s the fun in that?!?

I've spent my whole life rescuing other people but nobody has ever come through for me. They never will.

Cha.

The first time I was held prisoner I remember the exact MOMENT I knew no one was coming to save me. So I’d have to save myself. It broke me in a whole new way. That all of my saving others? More like adv. training in becoming the person I need to be, to save myself. For the record? I did NOT save myself, that first time. I got lucky. I’ve saved my own ass IDFK how many times AFTER that, though.

 

[Paladin_141]

I think I'm just too ill to be rational.

I met a couple of Americans- one a real, live tourist and one a long-termer- and we chatted for a couple of hours, then decided to go for a walk... and I collapsed. They basically put me to bed, which is where I am now. I have a raging fever and breathing tastes like blood.

If this is what I think it is, I'm fifty shades of f*cked; this thing was killing the enemy in droves and hospitalised a few of ours. I'm out of pennies and out of antibiotics. Well, shit. Going out like a f*cking noob because I didn't pack health potions. Lame.

Brigade command are calling me but I haven't the, uh, spoons, for that. Or the consciousness. You have no idea how hard it is to type, especially because I have an MA in literature and I WILL use proper grammar and spelling as much as i can, damn it.

I'm sorry guys, for the last few days. Was fun up until then. I think I'm going to sleep now.

Catch you later.

 

[Survivor3]

Its best not to make any rash decisions when, angry, upset or unwell. Get some rest. ️.

 

[Friday]

If this is what I think it is, I'm fifty shades of f*cked; this thing was killing the enemy in droves and hospitalised a few of ours. I'm out of pennies and out of antibiotics. Well, shit. Going out like a f*cking noob because I didn't pack health potions. Lame.

I got a lethal case of pneumonia in the balkans, once, got left behind because of it. (Tropical disease from years prior, like malaria, but with drowning in peanut butter as a kicker). I STILL get it, at least once a year, sometimes twice/thrice. It sucks. I get through it. For 20, 25 years, now? IDFK. Long ass time. Still? Everything is temporary.

I survived on Vodka, and that weird brandy with fruit in the bottle.

Made sense, later. The alcohol dilated my red blood cells, giving me more oxygen out of tiny breaths & released heat from my fever better than ice.

If you can’t get antibiotics? Get booze. It really was “medicinal” once upon a time, and anywhere outside of first world pharma still is. Volunteering future favors, in war zones, will nt you first world pharma. The cost may be too high, to keep your word. Or freakishly easy. Depends on who’s near you, when you need help. And how much they believe you to sort their shit out.

Bioweapons, by the by? Can f*ck right off. You’ve been LIVING on adrenaline, with your immune system shut off. A passing cold would take you out at the knees. A bioweapon means you’d already be dead. Sorry. Those are designed to kill 20yos in perfect health. Everyone else obliterated. You’re still here, so it’s not that. Cool your fever. Be miserable for a few days. Be fine, again.

I know. I’m all warm & mushy & sympathetic… ;) Suck it up, buttercup. You’ve got shit to do & get done.

 

[Freemartin]

A sidenote: sometimes someone really does come to the rescue. Like the Americans. You were rescued by two kind, caring people. And that’s how it’s supposed to be.

 

[Paladin_141]

Not biowespons, but some really nasty bacterial infection born on the front, in all those grotty, damp dugouts full of guys or the dusty, freezing, vermin-infested ruins that passed for safehouses. Probably a turbo-charged version of the same thing I seem to get every winter.
Amoxicillin is effective against it, so it's easy enough to cure if you have access to that.
They don't need a prescription for it here, so if I wasn’t broke I'd be good. If I can get home, though, I can get some for free. Maybe even a hospital bed. The nurses aren't as pretty at home, though.
The enemy are very poorly equipped and don't have access to antibiotics, so they just lay in ther blindages and drowned in their own mucus. Sometimes you'd hear guys coughing until they puked. They were lucky, because if we could hear them, we'd find them. That meant they were captured in short order and probably got medical help. I know our medic, at least, always carried amoxicillin and gave out a foil of pills to everyone who showed symptoms of this thing.
I feel a little better after a sleep. Still very ill, but not so sore and breathing is a bit easier.
The dreams, though...a light came on last night, I remember, and a female voice. A member of staff must have come in to check on me, because the door needs a pass.
I don't remember much about the dream now, just that a soldier was on top of me, trying to claw his way into my chest with his bare hands because he wanted to rip my heart out. I was in uniform, but no armour. He was one of ours, I think, or at least in our uniform. He had the balaclava and goggles on, so I couldn’t see if he was anyone I knew.
He tore through the uniform and my skin like he had talons and...it got really unpleasant .
I was fighting him and, when the light came on, I woke up briefly and found I was clawing at the wall. I could hear my own voice, but don't remember what I was saying.
What a night.

 

[Paladin_141]

Let's see if vodka works...

I'm utterly skint, but that doesn't matter here; some old guy notice the uniform trousers and boots and decided we should drink. He put away half a bottle in one go.
It is expected here that you neck the lot, but we are the country that invented spirits that taste good, so we sip. I am going to suffer later.
He got intense and asked me why I came. That's not a simple question and even I don't know if there's one right answer. It's like the Joker's origin story.
Money? Adventure? A feeling of belonging? Or because shit is f*cked and I want to unf*ck it? I've worn a lot of uniforms- soldier, sailor, cop, coastguard, fireman- but I've never been able to pin down why.
I had a list, you know, as a kid. Jobs that every kid wants to do. I've done most of them.
Somewhere along the line, though, it stopped being about how cool they were and I started believing in it. Like...completely.
So, I'm here because what is happening here is wrong. I wish I had a more cynical, sensible answer, but I don't, and anything else I say is a damned lie that I'm currently too drunk to go along with. If I could be the cold-hearted, dead-eyed merc I'm supposed to be, I would. But I'm not that guy.
I want to be Amos, but- to my own dismay- I'm Holden. Or worse, maybe Miller.
Ugh.
I left my own army in disgust because of Iraq, but I never found anywhere else to be. I was always one of those pathetic guys who relates the whole world to 'back when I was...'
-sniffles-
I make sense here, you know? A few of the girls back home (yes, I have a harem) say they've never seen me so happy, energetic and optimistic.
Which is weird, because we are losing on the ground out here. I mean, their casualties are a dozen times ours, but they don’t care.
But...I'm on the right side. I'm where I need to be. My callsign in my first unit here was Paladin, and I think that makes sense.
My ex-wife's favourite film is Dragonheart, an underrated gem of a movie with, today, an all-star cast. I was thinking of that today.
My old boss wanted us all to get tattoos. I think I will, and I know what it will be.

A knight is sworn to valour,
His heart knows only virtue,
His blade defends the helpless,
His might upholds the weak,
His word speaks only truth,
His wrath undoes the wicked.

Because...well, f*ck it, I've never heard anyone put my life into words better.

Except the second line. I mean...I try, but, gods help me, I'm a pervert.

 

[gorgonzola]

I want to be Amos, but- to my own dismay- I'm Holden. Or worse, maybe Miller.

Hey, don't knock my buddy Holden here: he has outstanding moral character from the start. (Which is why Amos is the more interesting character, because he has to learn that stuff with "I am that man" halfway along his journey).

 

[Paladin_141]

My kids aren't coming to meet me off the 'plane.

My mum just transferred me a twenty and said to get a taxi to my hotel, so my parents aren't meeting me, either.

The friend who told me to move in with her isn't replying to my messages.

I should not have come back.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I don't see anything wrong with your parents not meeting you if they're paying for your ride, if anyone I know complains like this I wouldn't have considered helping them in anyway.

Damn well it sucks to not be let in your friends place but in the end it's still not yours. Haven't you learnt no one can be trusted?! It's her fault if it turns out to be a false promise but still... can't rely on anyone to be there or be alive.

 

[Paladin_141]

I've been away at war for quite a while but they won't come and meet me because it's difficult to get parked.

I've been imagining hugs from my kids and catching up on news and general family stuff, but...nope.