Wastinglight
Platinum Member
My friends and family have been so loving and supportive, I am very lucky to have so many people who are there for me during this difficult time.
But my friends keep saying things like: "He was crazy to break up with you - he will end up regretting his decision." I will admit, it does make me feel a bit better when I hear that, but at the same time, it's starting to annoy me when people say stuff like this, especially because there are times when I am tempted to believe them. But they don't know him, they don't know the specifics of the situation. I think people say these things because they've made a whole bunch of assumptions, most of which don't seem to be based on anything. I mean, I get it. I don't think they understand why someone would prefer to be alone, rather than be with someone who raises the stress levels in their life, even if it's only a little bit. Or why someone would rather end a relationship than work through a problem, even if the other person is committed and is willing to be patient. Or how someone can believe that, once trust is broken, it can never be regained. Etcetera, etcetera. Hell, I don't understand either. But I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter what other people think, it doesn't matter what I think, it only matters what he thinks. What he believes. And he believes there is no way back.
I had someone say to me on the weekend: "Oh, he'll come round, you guys will work it out." I had to tell that person: "No, I don't think so." I had to say it several times, in fact, before that person stopped insisting that there was still a chance. I think people often want to buy into romantic fantasies, people want to see couples "work it out" and live happily ever after. And I want to believe that too. But it doesn't work like that.
And then there are people who think they're being supportive by calling him names and bad-mouthing him. That really makes me angry. No, I don't agree with many of the things he's said, and I wish he hadn't made the decision he did. And there are definitely times when I think "F*CK YOU buddy! How could you DO this to me?!!!" But does that make him a bad person? Hell no. I fell in love with him for good reason, after all.
One of my favourites websites is Humans of New York. It's the site of a photographer who goes around taking photos of people he meets on the street, and they tell him their stories. Recently he posted a series about a man who told him about the break-up of his marriage. It was a very sad story, to be sure, and it made me cry. But then people started posted comments saying horrible things about the man's wife - some of them were very callous and offensive. I ended up writing a comment saying "Whoa people - we haven't heard HER side of the story. It's almost always the case that both people had a role in the breakdown of the relationship." It was a timely reality check for me. So now when people ask me what happened with the breakup, I say "This is my only point of view, and I'm trying to be as honest as I can about what happened. If you ask him, he will probably tell you something different. And the truth is probably somewhere in the middle."
I know everyone is trying to helpful and supportive, and I appreciate it more than I can express, I really do. But I don't want to hold on to false hope. I don't want to put all the blame on him. I want to own my part in the demise of the relationship. I want to be honest about what happened. And I want to be realistic about what the future holds. It's so hard to move forward when your hopes and dreams for your life with someone have been ripped out from underneath you. And it's hard to move on when you lose someone you love. But move on I must. And the sooner I stop telling myself comforting stories about what might be in the months to come, the better.
But my friends keep saying things like: "He was crazy to break up with you - he will end up regretting his decision." I will admit, it does make me feel a bit better when I hear that, but at the same time, it's starting to annoy me when people say stuff like this, especially because there are times when I am tempted to believe them. But they don't know him, they don't know the specifics of the situation. I think people say these things because they've made a whole bunch of assumptions, most of which don't seem to be based on anything. I mean, I get it. I don't think they understand why someone would prefer to be alone, rather than be with someone who raises the stress levels in their life, even if it's only a little bit. Or why someone would rather end a relationship than work through a problem, even if the other person is committed and is willing to be patient. Or how someone can believe that, once trust is broken, it can never be regained. Etcetera, etcetera. Hell, I don't understand either. But I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter what other people think, it doesn't matter what I think, it only matters what he thinks. What he believes. And he believes there is no way back.
I had someone say to me on the weekend: "Oh, he'll come round, you guys will work it out." I had to tell that person: "No, I don't think so." I had to say it several times, in fact, before that person stopped insisting that there was still a chance. I think people often want to buy into romantic fantasies, people want to see couples "work it out" and live happily ever after. And I want to believe that too. But it doesn't work like that.
And then there are people who think they're being supportive by calling him names and bad-mouthing him. That really makes me angry. No, I don't agree with many of the things he's said, and I wish he hadn't made the decision he did. And there are definitely times when I think "F*CK YOU buddy! How could you DO this to me?!!!" But does that make him a bad person? Hell no. I fell in love with him for good reason, after all.
One of my favourites websites is Humans of New York. It's the site of a photographer who goes around taking photos of people he meets on the street, and they tell him their stories. Recently he posted a series about a man who told him about the break-up of his marriage. It was a very sad story, to be sure, and it made me cry. But then people started posted comments saying horrible things about the man's wife - some of them were very callous and offensive. I ended up writing a comment saying "Whoa people - we haven't heard HER side of the story. It's almost always the case that both people had a role in the breakdown of the relationship." It was a timely reality check for me. So now when people ask me what happened with the breakup, I say "This is my only point of view, and I'm trying to be as honest as I can about what happened. If you ask him, he will probably tell you something different. And the truth is probably somewhere in the middle."
I know everyone is trying to helpful and supportive, and I appreciate it more than I can express, I really do. But I don't want to hold on to false hope. I don't want to put all the blame on him. I want to own my part in the demise of the relationship. I want to be honest about what happened. And I want to be realistic about what the future holds. It's so hard to move forward when your hopes and dreams for your life with someone have been ripped out from underneath you. And it's hard to move on when you lose someone you love. But move on I must. And the sooner I stop telling myself comforting stories about what might be in the months to come, the better.
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