General Things That Took You Aback When Actually Asking For Help

[Fembot]

It still sticks with me the time I asked for outside help while my spouse was post surgery no. 500 (exaggerating of course) and unable/not allowed to even lift our then kindergartener let alone "a gallon of milk" (yes, actual directives on discharge papers). I worked full time, and ALL the area landscaping companies were booked to do mulching 3 or 4 weeks out. Considering 5 cubic yards of mulch and a 40 year old body, I knew it would be too much for me to do as one person and tend to my son, job and household cooking and cleaning too. Offering going professional rate to 17 year old son of a man I know (a man who knew my home situation), to come one weekend and do the work...I was actually told that his son was not interested and could earn more money doing "X"! Now if this were my son, I would have been embarrassed to deliver this response, and moreover, would have put my foot up his ass AND made him do the work for nothing. So, I did the work myself and was stiff for 5 days following same. This was my first lesson on your going this ride alone.

 

[Peach]

Geez, you're absolutely right about the kid. He should have done it and perhaps his father could have helped - for free. He can't spare a few hours of his time? Sheesh! People are so selfish these days.

I moved from a small apartment into my home 4 years ago and had just a few pieces of heavy furniture, I had done all the boxes myself. So, I did get help moving, but they complained so much and acted like that hour was such a huge deal that I've vowed to pay real movers next time, even if the cost is outrageous, so I don't have to put up with their belly aching!

And it's a shame, cause I'm the type to drop everything and help when someone asks. Sounds like you probably are too.

 

[Fembot]

And it's a shame, cause I'm the type to drop everything and help when someone asks. Sounds like you probably are too.

We supporters are hardwired like that, and, sadly, take it somewhat personally when others don't acknowledge our arse-tiredness to pitch in and help in the RARE circumstance (for me, now 12 years into this) we ask for it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I kinda figured this out before meeting my Vet. I've been a single mom for 13 years... getting people to help you do anything is like pulling teeth. If I can't do it myself, I just hire people. Dog sitting... psh, call the kennel. Need to move? Call the movers or pay and buy pizza for the teenage son's friends. Car needs fixed... call a mechanic. If I can't figure it out or handle it myself, I'll find a pro who can.

Like you guys said, I think supporters tend to be caretaking personalities... we will do favors for our friends and loved ones without asking. It is hard for us to understand that just because WE are giving, it doesn't stop the rest of the world from sucking :mad:.

 

[Friday]

If that had been my son, I wouldn't have made him. I value the word "no", as well as personal evaluation of circumstance. If he was offered a job he felt he could not take on, and turned it down, I'd be pretty durn proud of him as a matter of fact.

OTOH, If a friend came to him and asked for his help in doing something they were unable to do on their own? I'd be very disappointed if he didn't at least phone around and look for others to help, if he was unable to help directly himself. Also very surprised. As the "I would" comes from direct experience, not what I think of do. He's taken on jobs, turned jobs down, volunteered to help, and wrangled others in to help when he cannot.

But I also very much view being offered a job, and being asked to help, as very different things. Work we choose to take on or not, assistance we give freely.

((I've been taken ruthless advantage of in this a few times. People thinking that because I help freely that I'll work for free, too. Nope! I'm more than happy to help frame a house, or build a deck, or paint, or step in during a nanny-gap, or watch the kids during a family emergency, etc. Have happily done all of those. I've also had people decide I was free-labor. Nope. Huh-uh. Not gonna fly. There is a very clear line in what is done out of friendship, and what is "well you're not doing anything" or any other voluntold "you're already watching your own kids, so watching mine saves me $2500 a month, and screw your schedule & life". Bwaaahahahaha. Yeah. Not happening. LOL. Many have tried. Only the first succeeded ;) ))

Dad was pretty durn tactless in passing on the message via "he has a better paying job" as the rationale, rather than simply that the young man was already working that weekend or that his schedule was already too full to take on a large project. That about pisses me off. Rude at best.

 

[Fembot]

Ultimately you are right that my needs were not his, his plans (be they picking his teeth or playing poker), trumped my needs as he owed me nothing. His dad, however, could have chosen not to deliver the message that way/had some tact and simply said "my son has plans for the next few weekends, but thank you for thinking of him", rather that choosing to say what he did (my son can make more doing X), given my years long relationship with his dad. It was hurtful/dismissive.

 

[Fembot]

As for the "I would", my son (then a toddler, now a teenager) is a boy scout, thus regularly volunteers for both personal and community projects, so I guess I dont get it when other teenagers dont have that same drive to pitch in just because help is needed. Thus, if I knew my son said no only to play video games or watch TV, my foot would be square up his ass....but he tends to like giving a few hours each month to various causes because that is how he has been raised (besides being healthy to get them away from those video games for some fresh air). Again, his right to decline, but delivery was rude.