Think Husband Sociopath

[Suzetig]

SI you have any charities that operate refuges for abused women - that would be a starting point and they would help you sort out the next step. He is abusive and presents a danger to you and while there are no easy, straightforward choices here - and leaving could be very risky - there will come a point when you know it's right for you to go.

I wonder if there's a way for you to just start looking a around for people who can support you? How aware are your children of his abuse?

 

[Sighs]

I know I sound a bit paranoid.

Its not paranoia if the little green men really ARE out to get you! ;)

Seriously, if he has been engaged in this behaviour for 30 years then I'm sure you are correct in your assessment.

 

[mamachick]

Suzetig-
There is a women DV shelter but I could not take my dogs. I also think that since I have stayed for the past 13 yrs, full time, while he has been free of all the repairs, and I put my savings that came from an accident that led to permanent disability, and isn't possession the rule of the law, I think I would be better off not leaving and getting him to leave. Even if I do have to take in roommates to keep utilities on until judge orders the sale of the house. At least I can have my dogs here and don't have to move furniture and belongings multiple times hopefully. (that is costly and exhausting). The household belongings all belong to me pretty much, since I bought items from my accident, the rest he could have.

I use to think he was a good father because he provided financially with home and utilities, but nothing but the bare necessities and always over extending us and leaving me to fix it. He refused to see other options. Yet condoned under age drinking and bad behaviors so kids are at distance. There is no support there. The kids describe him as a simpleton and a frustrater in their lives, but not particularly abusive. If anything, he has taught one daughter how to be abusive. She is 28 and has only on few occasions become physical with me, she is twice my size. She finally moved out after I got her thru law school, again on my savings. My oldest daughter from a previous marriage does see how abusive and withholding he is and the games he plays.

Yes Sighs,
I think I know the little green men are real. I don't think he would do anything really stupid, but an accident, clearly not his fault, how would he know that this wobbly shelf....kind of thing. It has happened before. He will surprise me and do the laundry, but shrink clothes or bleed reds and whites. Its designed to never ask him for anything. Ask him to vacuum and the vacuum breaks and is beyond repair. More passive aggressive than aggressive behavior in general. I guess it feels more like gas lighting than anything. I am very calm and adaptable and accepting, but tonight I wanted to blow but I didn't. I removed myself to care for myself and after that just feel conned. He moves like a turtle, is lazy, and he wants me to take speed so I can do mans work....and I am finally seeing that. I have been doing it for years but health has declined so much that I just can't. I have herniated discs and stenosis and chronic pain and all kinds of health issues. Im also 57 and just got back up to 120 pounds from less than 90. I think he started buying food because he was embarrassed that I was hospitalized in the hospital that he works for 35 yrs and was malnourished.

I need to make a break and know that tonight, but may minimize it tomorrow. I have a lot of fears.

Thank you all for your support. I am just feeling like a real loser tonight for being in this situation. I don't feel like I have anything going for me right now.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Well ok, pushing down stairs, i change my orginal thought process. He may not be a psycopath, but he is battering you.

In most DV cases, there is always something that you feel holds you there (the dogs for you). I know that that would feel horrible not having them and it would be great to get a bunch of rent from the rooms; but how likely is it that he will come to the conclusion of leaving?

 

[shimmerz]

I was also uncomfortable from mosquito bites and came out of shed and saw him in garage window doing nothing but laughing and gleaming.

This.isn't.love.or.even.someone.who.gives.a.flying.shit. ^^^^

And your second posting (to me) indicates that you are potentially being gaslighted at the same time. Gaslighting keeps the abused so 'in their own head' trying to figure stuff out that they can't move forward and take care of what they need to in order to get safe. A thought, not necessarily the truth of your situation.

I think Friday has it right. You don't need to have his permission to leave, you need to give yourself permission. Is there something that is stopping you from doing so?

If so, I strongly urge you to find external support. Perhaps a women's outreach program or a therapist? Are you able to do that do you think?

 

[shimmerz]

Please forgive. I didn't realize until after I had posted that I missed a bunch of postings here. I must have been foggy this morning, as I usually make sure I read through a whole thread before I post. So please ignore my redundant thoughts. Just one more thing.

I think I would be better off not leaving and getting him to leave.

This is a dangerous game to be playing. It sounds like he is trying to force you out as well. And it is your mental and physical well being that is on the line as clearly he is good at gaslighting and abusing. Be very, very careful.

Does the DV shelter have a counselling service? That is what I used to stop my brain from spinning around before I left. It was very helpful. We also had an organization called DASA (Domestic Abuse and Sexual Assault) that helped determine the risk factors for women in these types of situations. Can you look into something like that perhaps so that you can spend some time with someone who is helping you to ground, as clearly your husband is doing everything he can to keep you off your feet.

 

[mamachick]

I think the house is big enough for me to stay away from him to collect my thoughts and make a plan. He is gone a lot. The DV shelter does not have any real counseling, they employ advocates with high school education but I know all the DV stuff. Sometimes its just hard to apply to ourselves.

I just know he us full of anger. He has been complaining about female bosses for almost 30 years now. They are just doing their jobs. I do not believe he thinks women are equal. He has ignored our daughters. He throws a crumb every now and again. Sometimes he tries to buy acceptance with material things. He will never let anyone in to see the real him. I really don't know who he is.

 

[Gs172003]

If you are truly concerned why don't you go stay at a women's shelter for a while so at least he knows you are serious?

I think the house is big enough for me to stay away from him to collect my thoughts and make a plan. He i...

He is using you thinking you can't leave as a tool

 

[Bluepopsicle]

Are you serious? I have read so many stories about these women who are "trapped" with psychos and they say they can't leave because *add excuse* im sorry but run for your life before it's too late! Im saying this from pure concern.

 

[shimmerz]

Sometimes its just hard to apply to ourselves.

Yes, this is exactly why I am advising this. Doesn't matter what kind of education people have, as long as they are good at their jobs. You need validation; a safety plan; and a mind that doesn't keep trying to figure out why he is trying to do this stuff. You need someone who can help you focus on how to keep yourself safe if you feel you must stay and fight this out.

The longer you focus on why (through my own experience, which is not necessarily yours) the less you will be able to figure out how to keep yourself safe. It doesn't matter why you feel like the ax, the stairs happened, it matters that it DID happen and that you need to do something about it.

Anything could qualify as movement. Call the DV centre, even if you know it can't help. Maybe they know of an agency that can. Call a lawyer and speak with them - see what your options are in forcing HIM out before he drives you crazy. If one lawyer doesn't have an answer, try another. Just don't stay frozen. Movement means power; frozen mean disempowered.

 

[mamachick]

I have forced myself not to ask why, but to accept the facts of actions, period. I have made some calls and am working on a plan for support and changes. I appreciate all of your support, encouragement, and wisdom, as I knew I would minimize it a bit the next day. At some point, the "why " no longer matters, Even if things are by accident, why would one live with a bull in a china shop (though thats not the case).

I have reacted to his behaviors in the past, I did not this time and have been trying not to react, often self destructively. I think sharing here and reading others responses validated my feelings enough to let myself just feel the pain of things, and pain does bring change. I know it is not going to be easy, but its become necessary.