Thinking About Suicide When Stressed

[anni]

Hi Someguy,

I keep leaving the 'random' part out of your name because you're pretty un-random and specific to me. :)

It's not a bad thing to discuss, either. I think it takes some of the awful power out of the subject to get some light on it, if you'll overlook the hokey 'shine a light on the dark' reference. Those pat, Hallmark card blurbs give me the willies. Sisyphe's post is a tad shocking on the first read, but then makes all kinds of sense for their situation. I've never seen suicide intellectualized like that before, but it makes sense to make it an out-in-the-open subject, I think.

My meds are pretty skimpy at the moment. I've figured out what works at an incredibly small dose. When really triggered I can't lie and say suicide doesn't occur to me. It probably does every time I'm feeling off the wall. This sounds odd, I know, but after this amount of time i've just plain learned not to take it seriously anymore, like the intrusive, gossipy neighbor I know is going to nail me with a 2 hour conversation I don't want to hear. It's hard to desrcibe but there's an objectivity I developed after a while where one recognizes what the heck your brain is up to and you can keep a good, rational ( somewhat....) eye peeled for trouble.

It looks like we'll eventually progress to not having this occur much at all, Someguy. It takes alot to even write that you're feeling this way. At least when you've got the meds down you''ll have the energy and confidence to deal with suicidal thoughts. In the meantime keep coming here, if you can. I browse around here when feeling awful, and generally log out in better shape than I logged in. Like this morning! :)

Take care, hoping you're having at least a better day.

Anni

 

[Monarch]

sucks, I get that suicidal crap in my head when I feel unlovable, empty, full of crap, etc.... I told myself a long time ago I would never do it, well mainly after I tried it and didn't succeed and ended up in the hospital but sometimes I envy people who die. If i see someone has died in an accident, I think "lucky", that sounds pretty terrible outside of my head.

 

[Hemels]

Hi,

I get the same issues then you. Mostly after having a arguement with my spouse too. I have tried all sorts to get around this issue and it ended up me self harming to get around it. Not good.

I suppose the idea of being at peace and not suffering the tremendous stress we do makes us feel better, although not a great thing to be thinking.

I hope you feel some confort in knowing you are not the only one that experiances this, even though I am unable to give you any answers as I am still searching myself.

Hemmy xXx

 

[JimmyJames902]

SRG:

I totally understand and empathize with you regarding thoughts of suicide as well.

I have only made one attempt (back in 2006), and realized after it was over that it was partly a genuine desire to bring an end to my suffering, and partly a cry for help. Like She Cat, I reserve the option to bring my life to an end if and when I choose. Today, I choose not to, but that can change pretty quickly. I can't speak for anyone else, but sometimes I can "awfulize" a trigger into a full-blown freak-out, and when I'm in freak-out mode is when thoughts of suicide are most likely to occur. I try to use what is left of my rational mind to do a reality-check of sorts, so I can determine whether my "awfulizing" is firmly rooted in reality or not. The terrible thing about PTSD is, when I'm in freak-out mode, my emotional mind almost always over-rides my rational mind.

I suspect it is a profound lack of resilience which triggers thoughts of suicide for some PTSD sufferers. I know that is true for me. The triggers for these thoughts revolves around three themes: the breakdown of a relationship or friendship; the betrayal of trust; and the thought of being financially destitute. The only person I feel safe enough to talk to about this subject is my therapist, and even then I sense it is a topic which my therapist is uncomfortable discussing.

I am grateful to you for having the courage to raise the subject on this forum -- you have helped someone else by sharing your thoughts and feelings on this subject.

 

[growingpains]

I was suicidal for 2 years of my life and then had a good friend commit suicide. When I saw so much pain in the faces of his family and friends and how his father screamed his name in agony as they were lowering the youthful body of this beautiful person into the ground I made a pact with myself that I would not do that. I understand pain, I understand hurt...but if anyone truly does care about me in the world, I would not want to inflict that upon them. At the same time I think it is a personal choice. I respect that people sometimes feel that the agony of life is just too much.

 

[onebravegirl]

One thought that stopped me was when I learned that a child who has had a parent commit suicide, is 80% more likely to do the same later in life. To be that kind of example to my kids was unthinkable.
O

 

[the racha]

SRG:

I'm not sure that medication will solve this issue-- or at least it hasn't solved the issue for me. For about 16 years, when things get bad, my mind goes to suicide. I understand exactly what you mean when you say that it brings a sense of relief and peace. My T said something recently, though, that has really resonated with me: that suicide is about control. That the very core of PTSD is experiencing an event that is so completely out of your control that your brain chemistry changes and you are traumatized. So when I feel like things are spinning out of control, my mind goes to the one thing that I can absolutely control, which leads to ideation.

It has been helpful to see suicide in this way. Now, when I do have ideation (and I will admit that sometimes I indulge in it, because it feels so great to envision an end to the pain), I try to remind myself that my mind is going there not because it is a great option but because I feel out of control. Instead, when I feel out of control, I try to do healthy things that I want to do right at that moment: play a video game, chat with a friend, eat ice cream, order pizza, buy something small, whatever.

racha

 

[yell]

I too am on medication and if I miss or take my effexor late I know it's time to prepare for a storm, but I still get caught up in it. The last bout was a week ago, and it ended with a mixed review of self punching in the head, but no cutting (only serious ideations), followed with some solitaire to zone out and not be so extreme. I also think that I don't want to be with myself so why would anybody else want to be with me. I rationalize the idea that it would just logically be easier for everyone else if I were dead because they clearly have the capacity to move on in life so my death would only be a temporary set back, but my problems will haunt the ones I love for their whole life if I stay in this position.

I guess I doubt that my life is going to change as this battle for life and death has been going on for 20 years and always in those darker moments do I think 'If this is how life is gonna be then I don't want to live it or put my loved ones through it!
LUCKILY...I am still here and my so called "logic" has yet to work except, for self-harming. And this is where I have a question for anyone who can maybe help me understand this better:

I am trying to figure out which behaviours/thoughts are either suicidal or self- harm or both? I have a series of thoughts and actions that I will list, which are the cause of some confusion for me. So here's my confusion, which are dangerous like suicidal or nearly, and which are ideations, and which are just normal or at least for my situation with complex PTSD
1 - I wake up in the morning and think or say out loud 'I wish I were dead"
2 - walking down the street I will fantasize about ways that I would be in an accident
3 - walking down the street I will cross the street regardless of whether its dangerous or not
4 - binge drinking ( because it can kill)
5 - overdosing on drugs thinking 'just to sleep for a very long time'
6 - self-harming (cutting, punching, starving, etc...)
7 - casually thinking about things you'd like for your funeral or who would get what if you just happend to die



Thanks to some of the other people as well, It always feels better to not be alone and this is a good place for me to not be alone. I also agree and understand that suicide would be an awful burden to place on anyone and I don't think I could ever go through with it because I sense that the feeling it causes on normal people is unbelievably painful, as it was for me when I lost someone to suicide. I never blamed him...I understood even though it hurt.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi yell

I think all but #6 are suicidal or self-harming. Oddly enough, the actions of #6 are probably a 'coping mechanism' to try not to do something worse, ie. kill yourself.

I think that you must be a very special person to persevere and to think of others. I think that it is incredibly kind of you to not blame the person you know who did, and to understand.

-Hugs-

 

[Mina]

I get the same issues then you. Mostly after having a argument with my spouse too.

This is also when I deal with it most. The worse arguments tend to lead me to suicidal ideation and also thoughts of ending my marriage. I am trying to remind myself that, "It's not my life I want to end, it's my pain," or, "It's not my marriage I want to end, it's my hurt." Helps sometimes, but when I am stressed during/after these fights is when it seems like throwing in the towel on either me or us is a really viable option.

 

[skyp56]

Hi,
I just wanted to share that I also get that feeling that my family would be better off without me. And that I would like the relief of it all being over.

But I hear how my family and their friends talk about people who do commit suicide, and I wonder what they'd say about me if I did it. I've tried, and come close to doing it, but can't seem to actually take that step, for whatever reason.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone in craving the relief that being dead would mean for the symptoms of PTSD.

 

[yell]

I'm just coming down from some serious withdrawal weekend due to lack of money for medication and I can honestly say that I have had all kinds violent ideas towards myself and many others, which gave me a pleasurable feeling that was extremely short lived. However, the strongest and most persistent thoughts were about not feeling so much pain, which I think means that I was searching for any sort of good feeling no matter where it came from (i.e. a very morbid revenge fantasy or a desire to rid the earth of our territorial, environmentally self-centered plaguing ass!).

Since I'm still having symptoms all I can say is... I'm just sayin'.