Thinking Of "breaking Up" With My Sorority

[Orglethorp]

(If this is better suited to another board, please feel free to move it!)

Alright, I've already discussed this with my mother & boyfriend, but I'd like to hear some opinions from neutral parties. I'm thinking of leaving my sorority.

Background information about me: I'm 26 and working on a second undergraduate degree. I moved to the other side of the country to do this 2 years ago.

Relevant information: A "sorority" is an all-female social club in a post secondary school that focusses on charity/philanthropy work, strong academics, and forming lifelong "sisterhood" bonds with each other. Though most of the stereotypes portrayed in Hollywood movies and TV shows are untrue or exaggerated, there is an initiation night, and what happens there is indeed what I would consider hazing (bullying) in a psychological sense. I can't say more, as I shouldn't have even said that; it's against sorority rules.

I am one of six founding mothers (original members) of my local chapter of this sorority. I'm also the founding president, the website administrator, and the constitution holder. We started the formation of this chapter in Fall 2012, officially became pledges January 2013, officially became a chapter August 2013, and initiated our first member class in November 2013.

I am a full time engineering student. It's a lot of work, and it's time consuming, but I love it. I also rely on public transit and walking to get everywhere, and I'm the only one who both doesn't have a car and lives off campus between the founding mothers and the alpha class ladies.

I've found my "Mr Right" and we spend quite a few of my free evenings and weekend days together. His place is 20-30 minutes away by car (depending on weather and traffic), and we often go to his family's cabin on weekends, which is 4 hours away.

Being a member of this sorority requires:

• Fees per semester
• Attendance at weekly meetings (often on the weekend, too early in the day to get back from anywhere)
• Attendance at all internal social events, mixers and philanthropy events (totals at least 5 per month, and can be any time and anywhere. Philanthropies run on campus are often during my class times.)
• Attendance at as many recruitment events as possible (5+ per semester, plus interviews & welcome ceremony)
• Attendance and participation at initiation nights (1 per semester, participation involves contributing to what I would consider psychological abuse against the pledges)
• Fines & donations (donations to charities, baking for bake sales, fines for violating various petty rules, fines for missing meetings even with a valid excuse, etc.)
• "Sister dates" with every pledge each semester

I have been on sabbatical January - April of this year because I was on a work term rather than in classes. My program puts me in class May - August, and then off on another work term again in September. I declared sabbatical for the semester only, rather than the whole year, because summer isn't supposed to count.

I've had text message contact with 4 of the girls, phone contact with 2, and face-to-face contact with 2 all semester, not counting coincidentally being in the same place at the same time. The 2 I've seen in person are the only 2 I actually feel I've formed a friendship with. Only 1 attended my birthday dinner. My founding vice president didn't recognize me at the movies when I said hello last week, didn't introduce her brother who was with her, and didn't let me introduce my boyfriend. (We've been together 6 months and only 2 of my sorority sisters have bothered to meet him.)

The sorority currently totals 15, counting myself. Of the other 14 ladies, I get along with 2 of them, and don't know 6 of them since I wasn't around this semester to meet the beta class girls. Of the other 5 founding mothers, 2 of them are my good friends and the remaining 3 have become increasingly harder to get along with as time goes on. As for the 3 alpha girls, I'm either neutral or don't get along with each of them. Again, I don't know all 6 beta girls. In summary, I have 2 friends out of my 14 "sisters."

These girls constantly push me to do things I'm not comfortable with. Most of them are dead set on seeing me drunk one of these days (I refuse). They all like to party down town as many nights as possible, and always complain when I don't go. Even after nearly 2 years, most of them don't respect me enough to take no for an answer.

I've only found it appropriate to tell 1 of them about my PTSD. This happens to be the only girl who attended my birthday this year, and the one I feel closest to in general. (Side note: I was actually out with her when I met my boyfriend.)

Aside from the 2 girls who've taken the time to hang out with me in person this semester, the only time I get any sort of contact from the sorority is when there's drama going on. They all want to tell me about it, and often want me to fix it. Yes, even though I've been on sabbatical.

My positions are being taken away if I can't guarantee that I won't go on sabbatical during my next work term. I can't guarantee that, and it's not even likely.

The sorority will be in session this summer even though it normally isn't because our mentor from another chapter will be around and wants to be a part of our gamma class requirement & initiation. I don't get along with this woman at all.

I haven't felt right about being a part of this since participating in alpha class' initiation night. They were all crying, freaking out, and planning to run away on us by the end of the night, and 4 of the 5 other founding mothers didn't want to stop early. I was invited to (and expected to attend) the beta class initiation this semester despite being on sabbatical, and I let my boyfriend's family make plans for me that weekend weeks in advance just so I could claim I'd forgotten and already had plans.

The new semester starts next week. I don't know if I should stick it out a while longer or just quit right away. I'm worried about the backfire I'll get from the girls. I'm worried that I'll lose the friendships I've formed with those 2. I'm worried about awkward encounters with my "sisters" who are also in the engineering faculty if I leave. (For what it's worth, I have 3 years left if I stay until I graduate from the sorority thanks to my 5-year degree program.)

Additionally, since I'd be leaving before graduating, I would become a "non-member." This means I'll be erased from the sorority's history even though I'm a founding mother. I'll also have to surrender everything I own with the sorority's letter on it. This isn't as big a deal - I honestly don't wear the stuff if I'm not with them - but it's about $150 worth of clothing.

The website is hosted on my personal web hosting account. I've given it a separate control panel and everything, it can be accessed without accessing my stuff, but the fact remains that the domain name is registered to me and the website is using up my hosting resources. The sorority makes heavy use of the email accounts I've set up using the domain name and all-but neglects the website & document catalog I spent so much time working on. (Should I mention I built it based on a survey of what they wanted?) The facebook page and Twitter accounts are linked to me. Transferring all of this to someone else is going to suck.

I'm also worried that the girls will think I'm leaving because I've choosing my boyfriend over the sorority. I already feel like that's what they thought about my choice to go on sabbatical. It's catty, it's stupid, and it's untrue. Having the time to spend with my boyfriend is a wonderful benefit, but it isn't my reason.

On the other hand, breaking it off with the sorority will take a lot of pressure off me. It'll save me money, free up my time, and free me from a lot of drama. There are only 2 friendships I'd like to maintain here. One of them only has one year left and isn't from this province. The other is in engineering with me, same year. In short, one I'll have to make an effort to see in a year's time, and the other I'll see on a daily basis anyway.

My Mom's worried that if I don't maintain my connection with these ladies that I won't have any "girl friends" when I need them. Aside from my fears of losing the 2 friends I'd like to keep from the sorority, I disagree. The other 12 aren't my friends now, and I have far more than 2 female friends in the university who aren't sorority members. I also have lots of male friends who are not now and never have been romantic partners, and I really do prefer their company over girls most of the time anyway.

So, who wants to weigh in? Should I see where the semester goes, or quit now? Any other advice or questions?

 

[Jen93]

there is indeed what I would consider hazing (bullying) in a psychological sense. I can't say more, as I shouldn't have even said that; it's against sorority rules.

Okay, first of all, this "hazing" thing, seems like bullying. My alarm bells in my head are ringing. I'm sure you like feeling like you're part of a group, but maybe you should try doing other more fun stuff with people who actually care. Friends don't make friends feel bad. Even if you think they're the only people out there, there are people who are better than that and you deserve to have nicer friends.

These girls constantly push me to do things I'm not comfortable with. Most of them are dead set on seeing me drunk one of these days (I refuse). They all like to party down town as many nights as possible, and always complain when I don't go. Even after nearly 2 years, most of them don't respect me enough to take no for an answer.

Sometimes people can be stupid. You've just happened to meet some. You don't need to get drunk to have fun. Why not try joining a club at university or a team, one not connected to the sorority? They might seem more down-to-earth than these.... um people(?) you're describing here.

How about slowly trying to ease yourself out of the sorority a little more if you don't enjoy it, and then next year just quit altogether? Summer will be over before you know it!

 

[Orglethorp]

One big problem with "easing out" is that if I'm still a member, I still pay this semester's fees + fines for any meetings or events I miss.

 

[Jen93]

Ew. You have to pay money to that thing too? Orglethorp, just get out of there. It doesn't seem psychologically healthy.

 

[digger]

Okay - I don't really 'get' the whole sorority thing anyway - it's not something I think is very big over here, but from everything you've posted about it, I don't understand why you want to be a part of it. It sounds like a really unhealthy and manipulative way of making 'friendships'. It's leave, leave, leave all the way from me!

 

[Justmehere]

The loss of $150 of clothes would suck, but it sounds like you don't wear them outside of being around them. Not being in the club's history would stink too, especially since you put so much work into it. Yet, outside of sororities, and even more so, outside of college, I don't see that mattering much for jobs and the like.

From what you write, it doesn't seem like you have much support or much fun with them. It's sounds like what connection and fun you do have with them comes with a lot of pretty serious downsides and pressure.

I can understand your mom's concern that it would be hard to make friends elsewhere, but it doesn't sound like these are friends you really reasonate with and get support from anyhow. There are other ways to make life long friends without all the pressure and problems... and financial expense.

 

[Jen93]

I don't think you'd need to get rid of the clothes. I mean is it like some actually legally binding thing where they'll get a lawyer or a court order to get your clothes? :O_o: I personally think that you don't need to follow their rules if their rules are unfair, but that's just me. I'm a little rebel! ;)

And maybe you could report the hazing to the university. I think that kind of stuff is illegal if it's really bad and people are getting hurt.

 

[Hashi]

You don't seem to have said anything you get out of it - is there any positive reason to stay?

I don't think I'd be a good person to give my opinion because I'm so put off by the Founding Mothers, Alpha class, Beta class thing. Brave New World, anyone? Or perhaps just a British boarding school around 1880, complete with the initiations. Or do I mean modern day legitimised bullying?

Sorry, I'll go now.

 

[circe47]

Orgle-
Ask yourself this: When you are 85 years old and sitting in your porch rocker next to your sweetie, do you think you are going to give a crap about any of this?

When you are 85 years old I hope to see you with a loving partner, kids/grandkids if you so desire, and traveling the country in a Winnebago.

Like most groups with an elitist mentality, sororities and frats are nothing more than college yard bullies. You are better off making friends with like-minded people, rather than bunch of indoctrinated sorority sisters. Bullying is NEVER acceptable under any circumstances. If it were, I guess I was just being hazed all those years ago….right?

Furthermore, I find it much more empowering to not go with the flow, or let groups or other people dictate my choices in life. I had friends in high school who smoked pot. They said I wasn't any fun if I didn't. I just figured if they need to see me stoned and acting like a jackass, then they are not my friends. Friends and sister don't expect or coerce us to do anything that goes against our moral code or harms us. These people are NOT your sisters or friends.

You don't have to pay jack for anything. What happens if you don't? Are they going to hunt you down and kill you? Are they going to make your life a living hell? Probaby no to the first and absolutely to the second. Again, I make my case. NOT FRIENDS!

Lastly- remember you will be held accountable one way or another, if a pledge is hazed and harmed in any way whether it is psychological or otherwise. It will come in the form of Karma or just plain old unbearable guilt on your soul. Do you want to live with that? You don't get a free pass in life "just because" something was done in the name of some group or organization.

When you are my age (almost 50) and start thinking back you will know deep in your heart if you've hurt others. It won't matter if you did it because it was an accident or on purpose, you will reflect. The painful guilt of not being able to take back harm to another NEVER GOES AWAY for someone with a conscience.

I can't tell you how bad I feel for every single thing I've done. I can't take back the out of control punishments on my now adult son, the hateful words said to an ex, the time I pushed another little girl into the lake just because.

I struggle now because I have no way of knowing exactly how my past immature and impulsive actions have impacted the life of someone else. Will my son have problems in his relationships with females….will he fully trust them? What if my ex went off the deep end because of my words, then got stinking drunk and hurt someone else? What if that little girl that I pushed into the lake went home and got a vicious beating from an abusive father for "going swimming?"

You never know how things will play out. You can only do what's right in your heart. You might take crap from your "sisters", but you will also stay true to what's good and right in your heart, and that's all that matters.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Sounds like a big pain in the ass to be honest. Is it worth missing classes over? Aren't classes more important for your future?

 

[Orglethorp]

Thanks for all the responses so far, keep them coming!

@Jen93 We do agree to give up anything we own with the letters on it when we join.

@Ayesha I don't miss classes, I get fined for missing the thing that conflicted with my class

 

[Justmehere]

I'm a little concerned that you agreed to something that would cause you to be fined if you went to class. You put yourself in a double bind - you are required to be in college to go to this sorority, right? If you attend class, which you are paying for, then you get fined. If you miss class for the sorority, then you miss out on the education you are paying for... which you are also required to get. You willingly accepted those conditions in the beginning.

Adding in hazing and initiation procedures that cause girls to want to run away from you and others in tears, pressure on you to lose control and get drunk when you clearly do not want to, and friends who don't contact you much when you take a break from the organization... It begins to feel a little like maybe there is a possibility you are reenacting unhealthy relationship patterns by agreeing to these conditions to begin with, and by continuing to stay in these conditions on an on-going basis.

I think it may be worth not only leaving but also looking at what drew you to be involved in such an environment to begin with - and not just involved, but a founding member of an environment you are now thankfully beginning to question as being good or healthy for your life.

Just a thought from an outside observer - and I may be way off the mark.