Thinking Of "breaking Up" With My Sorority

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Orglethorp Okay, I think you were missing my point...your classes, your education and everything you do with it is more important. Anything that says otherwise is not worth it.

 

[Justmehere]

I have one more thought. I might be sticking my foot in my mouth, but I will take a try at this and hope I don't offend.

Thanks for all the responses so far, keep them coming!

A handful of people have responded, and no one here has even slightly suggested there are any reasons to stay. But you ask for more input... Which is totally ok and good! (please hear me on that) - but it does raise a question for me.

I think it is great you are seeking outside input - but this is one circumstance where I sort of am wondering a little bit if more outside input and opinions about if you should stay or leave is what you really need?

Let me see if I can explain...

I myself was once involved in an unhealthy organization - one that I initially promoted. It was very painful when the red flags came, and it took awhile for me to finally pull away. So I can understand a little of what you might be feeling right now and the pull to stay and not walk away yet, despite all the problems. Its hard to let go of what we have really invested a lot into, even when there are good reasons to leave. We all need people to help point out things for us at times - everyone has blind spots. (I think I have about a million myself.) You are clearly weighing this out and thinking it through, and I think that is good!

As you know, this is a PTSD forum, and many people here have survived terrible relationships and environments. Folks here do generally have sharp radars for problems. I think it is a great idea for you to ask for input here. Even more input...

I also don't think you will find anyone here who is going to tell you it's a good idea to stay in an environment where you feel pressure to do things you don't want to do and an environment that sounds like it is very psychologically unhealthy. People here have been deeply hurt by varying degrees of those kinds of environments. A forum for sorority organizations might have some folks who can tell you how great sororities are, and that it is worth these problems, but I don't think you will find many folks here of that opinion. Maybe you will, maybe I am wrong, and some people here think you should stay... But I am not sure even you expect someone to say, "oh yeah, this sounds like s great place to be involved and is good environment for someone healing from trauma and wrestling with PTSD symptoms." You yourself have clearly recognized some serious problems and you have listed them out yourself very well.

You have seen many red flags from early on in your involvement (or the initiation of the alpha class, which I take to be early on in your involvement) and you have seen these red flags for quite some time, and yet still you have stayed.

You have sacrificed much and still sacrifice much, and you seem to get very little in return from these relationships... and yet still you have stayed.

You have taken steps to disengage, and turn over your responsibilities, and in some cases those responsibilities are being painfully taken from you, and yet still you have stayed.

So all this makes me want to ask you what someone once asked me... When will you be ready to listen to and trust yourself? What will it take before you take responsibility for your own choices and role in being involved or not in this environment, and who you let be in your life or not?

Because in the end, it's not your mom's opinion, or your boyfriend's opinion, or the sorority girls' opinions, or the faculty members' opinions, or our opinions that really matter the most.

It is your opinion that matters the most.

Whether you stay or leave, I hope it's your voice you learn to listen to over all the others. Once you are ready to do that, I think you will know what you need to do very clearly. (Which may or may not include leaving or staying.) Learning to listen to and trust ourselves is also an important step in healing from PTSD and trauma for many people. It is for me, maybe it is for you too.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I vote leave. Everyone here said it all so well. I am so happy to hear that you already have a network of friends outside the sorority.

It sounds like living in hell to me.

It goes against your values and that causes inner turmoil for you.

Get out and never look back.

 

[Miranda V]

Quit while you're ahead, sister. I have no problem with sororities (several of my high school friends went on to be sorority sisters), but from what I get they are a lot of work, time-wise, financially, and emotionally. If you are working on your PTSD, your school, and your relationship you have enough on your plate. It's better to quit now than to quit later and still have to pay membership fees.

 

[nursenurse]

Not everything worthwhile is worth doing. Don't complicate this. You aren't enjoying it, you are busy as all get out, you seem to have a very full life without it. Resign, and don't look back. You have lots of other fish to fry. Throw this one back. You don't need any other excuse other than "I just don't want to do it anymore."

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@Orglethorp I don't think that sounds healthy for you at all. An organization that is supposed to be based on lifelong sisterhood among other things doesn't even seem to be creating great friendships for you. Great friends don't push you into things life drinking, great friends are people who help you through ptsd.

As someone who suffers from ptsd herself, I honestly don't know how you can abuse others. You are one of the main leaders of that group yet you not only allow abuse, you do the abusing. I think that's sick. As someone who suffers how can you even do such things that could give another person ptsd? COULD YOU EVER FORGIVE YOURSELF IF YOU WERE THE REASON FOR ANOTHER PERSONS LIFE LONG STRUGGLE WITH PTSD?

Maybe you don't abuse them 'that bad', I just can't fathom this.

 

[Orglethorp]

@Definitely..maybe I hate what I was asked to do during our alpha class initiation (basically just stone facing while the girls were singled out and quizzed, letting them think they failed and that I wasn't pleased no matter how well they did), and I hate that I did it. I haven't attended an initiation since, and that night was really the catalyst for me thinking I didn't want to be a part of this group anymore. I haven't made myself deal with it until now because that was near the end of the semester and then I went on sabbatical. I haven't had to deal with them other than listening to them complain to me about their drama and making excuses not to attend the initiation.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am one of six founding mothers (original members) of my local chapter of this sorority. I'm also the founding president, the website administrator, and the constitution holder.

I don't really understand...you said you helped start the group. You had no idea if would turn into all of this mess?

I hate what I was asked to do during our alpha class initiation (basically just stone facing while the girls were singled out and quizzed, letting them think they failed and that I wasn't pleased no matter how well they did), and I hate that I did it.

 

[nursenurse]

The fact that this is weighing so heavily on you is reason enough to get out. It isn't worth being "sisters" with those who condone this stuff. You are maturing, you know your limits, you know right from wrong. For your own sake you need to act on it. School is a place if learning, and it doesn't just happen in the classroom.

 

[ghotiff]

It is hard to let unhealthy things go, particularly when they didn't start out unhealthy (or didn't seem that way in the beginning).

You initial post seems quite biased towards leaving, with the majority of reasons for staying being pretty bad reasons (the amount of effort you have put in this far, returning clothes, difficulty transferring things). I think you have answered your own question.

 

[Hashi]

I'm also still unclear where the question is.

@Orglethorp is there really any dilemma here that means you might continue? If so, could you say what it is?

 

[Orglethorp]

@Ayesha no I didn't know. Not until we founding mothers were initiated ourselves, and even then we were told ours was different because of our status. Sororities are full of secrets that are only shared with the right people at the right time. These things aren't shared with new girls before initiations - even those becoming founding mothers. We were being coached through the founding process by another chapter. When it was time for us to hold initiation, information on what was supposed to happen was given to the two girls in charge of the new girls.

For everyone, thank you for solidifying what I was already feeling. I'm sending them my resignation today.