I definitely want to do an internship first... Definitely need to test the waters and see how I cope with it.
My old pdoc was our city's only methadone provider, so allllll the city's addicts would be there and going to see him for appointments was always an "adventure". Cos 20 or so addicts in a waiting room, waiting for their methadone... Quickly turns into a "party" or a riot, depending on the mood in the room...
My pdoc would always "hurry" me out of the waiting room into his office, under the premise "20 addicts are an intense experience for anyone, so for a patient with PTSD it's probably a major trigger".
But I never experienced it as such and also told him so.
I dunno how to word this right, but I'll make an attempt... I think growing up with the type of family setting that leads to major C-PTSD leads to growing up with a sense of "my family situation is not normal" and I'm also not "normal" according to society's standards.
In my case, that led to lots of masking and "pretending everything was fine" as a kid, partly because it was demanded of me by my family, partly from instinct, partly from fear.
Then later, with major C-PTSD, once I went no contact with my family, the C-PTSD and other long-term trauma effects also made me feel like I could never live up to society's standard of what's "normal". I think a lot of my life, I tried to chase that and tried to fit in "as well as possible" and tried to mask and hide the PTSD from everyone except friends and therapist etc.
Now, in mid-life I feel like that part of my journey is "done". I can't begin to say how sick I am of the masking and the hiding. And I'm also sick of working in jobs where it's necessary to mask and hide it. I worked as a lecturer in a college for a while and in roles like that, you have to be a role model, be professional, always have your shit together, etc.
And I feel like I don't want to work in that kind of setting again.
I've done hospice volunteer work, done internships in a children's home with children with C-PTSD from abuse and trauma who were removed from their families, and worked in a home for mentally disabled people.
I felt more comfortable working in those settings because they are all not "normal" settings in societal terms. All of these people are in a situation that doesn't fit into society's definition of normal.
And I find with PTSD, I do better in such situations.
I know a lot of other ppl with PTSD here are first-responders and similar... And that's something I can relate to too... That I don't do so well with the "normal" societal expectations, but as soon as a crisis or an emergency hits, I'm functioning super well and can really thrive in those kind of situations that others find overwhelming. I guess many of us can relate to that - the sense that our trauma has primed and prepared us for coping in situations that others find traumatic.
So that's kind of my rationale for potentially choosing that line of work.
Right now, I'm just trying to play with the thought of it and get ideas/ advice/ cautions/ etc, before I write an application for an internship.
I'm definitely in two minds about it... I can see the potential pitfalls...
But I think the experience of an internship would be valuable and also, the insight that I want to work in "non-normal" situations is a valuable one for me, because if working in an addiction treatment center isn't a good fit, then at least I know to focus on seeking other "unusual" fields of work, because I feel so much more comfortable there, than in a mask-and-hide type of work environment.
