This Body!!

[Tiger]

I don't know, but I can't see a way forward in this body as it is, either?? I would love to move on, be happy and live a good life, but being realistic, it's not going to happen!! It's damaged!! It's dirty!! I tend to say 'this body' rather than claim it as'my body' because I dispise it so much!! I don't know how else to explain it!! I am very sorry if this seems crazy and I don't mean to be aggressive in my answer!! Its just so painful and upsetting!!

 

[The Albatross]

Can you see a way forward without a body? I've never found one.

 

[The Albatross]

The fact is, that in life we have a body. How you feel about it is entirely up to you. But know this, it is a choice.

 

[Tiger]

That is your opinion and you are very welcome to have it, but when your body is invaded by someone without your permission and you can't stop it happening!! Wouldn't you somehow form a negative opinion about your body? Is that a choice? It was not my decision to let him invade this body and I feel that that experiance can make some people form opinions of themselves!!!

 

[WillyKat]

I think we all understand where you're coming from. I too was invaded. And it formed a very negative opinion of myself that lasted decades.

But over the past year, I've started (just started) to learn to love myself and appreciate what I have. It's a hard thing, and I spent many, many years where you are now, believing that it was impossible.

Let me ask this question: Why do you form a negative opinion about your body? It didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. Someone did something wrong to your body, something wrong to you. You didn't ask for it or participate in it.

Part of PTSD is that we blame ourselves unfairly. The abusers planted a poison idea in our heads, that we took part. And they want us to believe, forever, that we had a part to play in our victimization. We can't let them get away with that. To fight them, we must lay blame where it belongs, in them, in their body, in their mind.

You did not do anything wrong. Your body doesn't own guilt. The abuser deserves the negative opinion; not you and not your body.

 

[rainbow1]

I understand disliking everything that makes you female, I have felt that way too. I blamed my body for the abuse.

Sometimes, it can feel like our bodies are to blame for 'attracting' our abusers or we feel our body let us down because it responded to our abusers - But, it is not. It is only the person who abused us that is to blame.

I wanted to cut out all the parts that made me female, but after talking everything through with T, I realised that wouldn't change anything or solve anything. Taking away what makes you female won't change what has happened.

I hope that you can get proper therapy sorted out sooner rather than later so you can get the help you need to deal with how you feel. It does get better but it takes a lot of hard work to change your beliefs. Maybe worth pushing your GP again to sort out some therapy.

 

[Tiger]

I don't know how to say this delicately, so I am just going to say it!! I am gay!! I don't know if I am because of the abuse or because I would have been anyway? I am not comfortable with it and I know there is still a lot of discrimination out there!! I have struggled with this for years!!! This has added to my self - loathing and wanting a genderless body!! I apologize if I have stepped out of line with this, I needed to get it off my mind and maybe someone may understand this issue a bit more and talk to me??? It is very lonely!!!

 

[WillyKat]

No need to feel uncomfortable about that here. And it doesn't matter to us why you are. You didn't step out of line either.

This forum is for PTSD sufferers and supporters. We don't care if your gay, gray, green, straight, stoned, young, old, religious, atheist, or have spots.

Agree that someone who relates more to your situation would be great for you to talk to. In the meantime, keep talking to us. Reiterating this may help: you are welcome here!

 

[Chava]

Not sure if it's helpful but I think for many years I maintained a safe distance from myself, body, sensations, by absorbing myself in music, artwork, other projects...so also stuff that didn't allow me to totally cut off from my "self"...there was always part of me in those things I liked to do. Playing music actually helps me connect to my body in positive ways, but parts that feel more powerful through making music, like my arms (of course I over-did it and permanently injured myself...but I'm talking hours upon hours daily). I can relate to not wanting your body or identifying with it. But that doesn't mean it's over. There is just a "you" that is really hurt and identified with the hurt. It sounds like it's not feeling okay, and maybe not much better in how you can imagine things right now. But for the present, are there any things you like to do that do connect you or keep you connected to yourself in safe ways? Artwork, music, journaling, making anything, favorite authors, photography, taking care of something, nature, yoga, tai chi, etc....? I like doodling. I am pretty sneaky at staying connected to some inner self, and not letting that 100% disappear...many times I managed that without being connected to my body (or noticing if I was/wasn't). It's really helpful to connect to some little part of your "self" that has nothing to do with your gender or body parts, just your spirit, however fragile that might feel.

I do hope you keep looking for help. But don't give up on yourself. I know when I'm in my lows I can't imagine a good future. So I try to focus on the present moment and somehow make it more tolerable, reach out for help, or keep connected to myself in a non threatening way.

 

[The Albatross]

I have been raped, on various occasions tiger yet it is still my body. I chose to form an opinion about the other person, not about myself.

 

[Chava]

Just noticed your last post @Tiger ...nothing to be ashamed of if you're gay. Great if you feel like you can bring that up because you can let go of some of that shame and hopefully also piece out where all the self-loathing comes from, which underserved shame comes from trauma and which comes from having difficulty accepting yourself. I can't speak to whether sexual assault or abuse leads to sexual orientation. It didn't work that way for me...and based on the little I know it doesn't really work that way, but I can understand the issues get compounded and there can be lots of confusion for abuse sufferers who also have sexual orientation questions (one of my best friends went through this).

Even if you're still looking or waiting for help with trauma, if you feel okay seeking more support for your sexual orientation acceptance, maybe that could help take away part of the shame and self-loathing you've been feeling. ?? None of this makes you or your body wrong. I can't speak to it much, but you're way okay the way you are. I hope others can maybe speak more to the compounded issues, or that you feel okay seeking support for either/both.

 

[Anarchy]

@Tiger
Welcome out!
Admitting our orientation to ourselves, and then to others is the difficult bit.

Telling others, can actually be a bit less dramatic than you might expect, especially if you're all tensed up, and the response you get is along the lines of:

"now tell us something that we haven't known for the past x years..."

or:
"I'm gay"
"I know"
"but how? you're the first person I've told"
"well, you are just a bit obvious..."

both said with a big friendly grin.

Incidentally, orientation isn't necessarily an either or thing, we all plot on different parts of a spectrum of orientation and appetite, and there is absolutely nothing intrinsic about beauty - everyone is different and finds different things attractive in others.