Hi Tiger,
I don't think that there is anything selfish about you.
When I volunteered to go into care so that they didn't have to choose between him and me, I thought it was the right thing to do because it was me that had the problems!!
You were a frightened middle teenage girl, who had been horribly abused for years, and you were forced into a position which you should never have been forced into.
Any "problems" which you had then and have now are almost certainly a result of the years of abuse you suffered and the additional trauma of the hopelessly insensitive and bureaucratic response of the social workers and the cops.
As children, we tend to blame ourselves when others abuse us, we try to make ourselves more acceptable to the abusers in the hope that they will treat us better.
When abusers and the willfully ignorant who have allowed the abuse to occur are confronted with that abuse, it is far too easy for them to ignore the abuse and to blame the victim and dismiss the victim and what she describes as "disturbed"
You are worth far more than that. You have gone far further than anyone could ever ask, as you try to have a family relationship with your parents.
It is not you who needs to apologize, you've gone far more than half way. Please be kind to yourself - if you do visit them, please do not stay there overnight.
Even if your parents are still in denial about the abuse which you suffered and about your abuser, it would still be reasonable for them to try to avoid exposing you to seeing him. does he go to a day centre or have some sort of sheltered work or learning that he goes out of the house for?
If he does, can you visit when he isn't there to stress you?
Here's a hug, please think about what I've written, and let me know what your thoughts are. let me know if you can start to forgive the 15 year old you? to start to think of that frightened, abused, teenage girl and the terrible position which she was put into, and to give her a hug from me?
