EccentricButHarmless
New Here
Recently I was at a meeting for a Buddhist organization. I reached down to shake the hand of the Board President who was sitting, and he grabbed my arm behind the elbow with his other hand and used both his hands to pull himself up. That sounds really innocuous, but it was nearly an exact duplicate of the very beginning of a very traumatic and humiliating bit of abuse from my Dad nearly 35 years ago. I remembered looking down at his hand, and thinking, "Huh, I must be doing better, because that didn't even bother me." But between that moment and the next, I stopped feeling any emotion at all - but told him in a very aggressive way and in no uncertain terms that his behavior the last few months had been completely unsupportive, arrogant, and hostile. And if they had problems keeping volunteers no wonder, if the way they had been treating me was any indication. I didn't raise my voice, and I didn't feel particularly angry.
Afterward I felt awful physically, and I drove home and had a beer with dinner "to help settle myself down." The next day I remembered that the meeting was pretty intense and that the guy was an asshole, but nothing about the weird handshake. And it was a real surprise when I learned that people were shocked and a little scared at the vehemence with which I spoke.
Looking at the memory of how this unfolded, I can clearly see the trigger, and the rage in response. But at the time I didn't feel any of it, and acted in ways that were frightening but seemed perfectly appropriate at the time.
Well, that's kind of scary. I've had flashbacks, but they haven't usually been of wanting to chew people a new set of orifices, and they've always been really obvious because of a strong sensory component and the feeling of being younger somehow. None of that was in this one, though - they had got on my last nerve and I was going to kick ass and chew gum. And I had run out of gum.
So, friends, since you've got PTSD too, and this is the place to talk about flashbacks, I'm looking for feedback. Is this your experience of flashing back? If so, how do you tell when part of you took a trip down memory lane?
Afterward I felt awful physically, and I drove home and had a beer with dinner "to help settle myself down." The next day I remembered that the meeting was pretty intense and that the guy was an asshole, but nothing about the weird handshake. And it was a real surprise when I learned that people were shocked and a little scared at the vehemence with which I spoke.
Looking at the memory of how this unfolded, I can clearly see the trigger, and the rage in response. But at the time I didn't feel any of it, and acted in ways that were frightening but seemed perfectly appropriate at the time.
Well, that's kind of scary. I've had flashbacks, but they haven't usually been of wanting to chew people a new set of orifices, and they've always been really obvious because of a strong sensory component and the feeling of being younger somehow. None of that was in this one, though - they had got on my last nerve and I was going to kick ass and chew gum. And I had run out of gum.
So, friends, since you've got PTSD too, and this is the place to talk about flashbacks, I'm looking for feedback. Is this your experience of flashing back? If so, how do you tell when part of you took a trip down memory lane?
