This Hasn't Happened To Me Before... Yikes.

[JarHed]

Hey Fubar

It's tough dealin' with assholes, they're everywhere you look and go. I still have a real problem with people that disrespect me like that. I usually just try to walk away because if I don't I know I'll be spending the night in jail. It's probably the only thing that stops me from hurting some people that both ask for it and deserve it. Yeah, I've still got some real anger issues and I know it. I'm workin' on it.

I've worked in construction most of my life and it's a field that's full of some really jerky macho types. I can deal with most but every once in a while one comes along that really tasks me and I have to just take them down. Still can do it well even at my advanced years. I've realized that I have some real issues with respect or a lack of it from people.

I just know how tough it can be and if you can learn to deal with it without ripping someones throat out that's a good thing. Wish I could offer something better Fubar, guess your post touched a nerve in me that I didn't know was still pretty raw. Sounds like you handled yourself better than I could have, well done.

Jar

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Fubar, who mentioned in another thread that you have been off your, or off some of your medication. Without a doubt, I reckon you are not quite ready. Go see someone before it spirals out of control and you do something you don't want to.

 

[Wagon]

I've worked in construction most of my life and it's a field that's full of some really jerky macho types. I can deal with most but every once in a while one comes along that really tasks me and I have to just take them down. Still can do it well even at my advanced years. I've realized that I have some real issues with respect or a lack of it from people.

I think you hit on something there JarHed. In normal life there are always going to be assholes. Its just our response that makes it larger or smaller than it is. IMO In the military we had our way with dealing with assholes, either stealth or normally "Where the f*ck do we stand!". You needed to know where you stood at all points of every day. In essence I guess we live in one reality and respond with a past reality.

And just for another waffle. I think we are programmed to always have an adversary. If I remember correctly, there was always a drill or qualification to tackle and if not that they made up something on how bad we looked and we had to try and achieve good lookingness, somehow. Then when a real enemy appeared, "OK f*ck all that, lets pay
attention to some real things now." Never let the troops drop their guard, always keep them on edge.

 

[JarHed]

I think today, for the first time, I realized that I've come a long way but still have a great deal to learn. That's actually a good thing. In a way it's like always keeping the 'troops' busy. Always something to do, something to learn and new challenge to take on. Got my work cut out for me, that's a good thing.

Jar

 

[FUBAR1]

Jimmy - I've been off meds since November. While I've been considering going back on just to keep my panic under control, the meds never had any effect at all on any of the problems involving my response to people or situations I consider threats. I think thats more a cognitive behavioral issue for me.

 

[Fargo1]

FUBAR,

My thoughts after reading everyone's response here. Think about replacements. When you were in the shit and some FNG came in, he was not accepted. No one wanted to have him around. No one trusted them. There were memories of the buddy(s) lost. There was fear of getting to know someone who might not be around tomorrow. So why get to know them? Why let them in? As a result, they were pushed to the side. Their work was overly criticized and it continued until they either a) proved themselves; or b) went away one way or another. Luckily, I was never in the position of being a combat replacement. But right now I am thinking about what it would have been like to be one....

Then there is this f*cking shit that we are all dealing with. It has us primarily listening to our inner voice rather than seeing 'the ground truth.' If we continue to listen to our inner voices, we are goodly and truly f*cked. Because that voice is very primitive. It does not care about feelings. It does not care what is actually good for you. It is only concerned with survival, come hell or high water...generally hell.

Sure this guy was a prick. Sure he has issues, everyone does, who knows what they are? You have your feelings and issues. Maybe the way for you to deal with this is to start by having one of your co-workers filling him in on the reality of you. Then sit down with him and a have a chat. You may find that he is an alright guy. Of course your first impression might also be true. But how will you know if you are only listening to your inner voice?

 

[FUBAR1]

Fargo - very good words. Deep thoughts. Thank you.

 

[dave1]

Another thought not mentioned yet = this new guy came in to your area of responsibility. You know you do a good job and this is one of the places where you get a lot of good feedback. That's hard to give up, the guy is a threat to one of the more positive things in your life. Your job is a physical and emotional area where you can exert some measure of control, or lack thereof if someone else decides to take your place.

I have to keep reminding myself that "threatening" situations back home are not really a matter of life and death, I have to lighten up a bit.

 

[JarHed]

I have to keep reminding myself that "threatening" situations back home are not really a matter of life and death, I have to lighten up a bit.

It's true that they may not be life threatening but I think our reaction to them is the same as if they were. Guess that's where the problem lays. For me, I try for little successes. They add up after a while and you find that you're better than you may have thought you were. I can almost guarantee that if a 'real' situation came up you would know what to do without thinking. It's almost a given that you've always got some ahole to deal with that are annoying and problematic but not a 'real' threat. At least for the most part.

Jar

 

[Anglesachse]

I'd like some insight/advice/whatever.....

There's a new dude at work in my area. I immediately considered him a threat ............................I couldn't be bothered to go through the hassle of re-explaining to anyone new about my PTSD, why I have it, what my triggers are, etc................................. In any case as soon as I saw this new dude I ignored him, refused to look at or speak to him, and just stayed busy with my work because I didn't want to give him any chance to strike up conversation or feel comfortable enough to get friendly with me. It's possible that he took this personally in some way, I don't

I need to understand why I'm reacting with such intense rage, why I'm unable to calm myself down even when I recognize the harmful thinking patterns I'm falling into, and basically how the f*ck to get a handle on myself.

Good replies here Fubar and from all the guys. But I just wanna add an observation that I don`t think anybody has picked up on.

Firstly you didn`t loose it, Good going. I am also a pretty good people person, I know from the out whether they are good for me or not, so I can relate to you going with the gut feeling, and he probably isn`t going to be good for you. As for dealing with the feeling you had, it worked, upto the point that he Confronted you. which has set off god knows how many alarms and realy screwed your day. I mean, being Ignored is bound to set some on off, normaly not to the extent that this guy reacted, but it`s a sure way to have someone respond negativly with you.

Talking to my Therapist about why I get so wound up with people, she asked, "Why, you can`t change them, and you know what they are like" what she meant was I know the situation and need to steer clear, You tried this and to be blunt. It backfired. So the next step is reducing the damage that you/we know is going to be done. ie Preparing yourself for the worst, but going for the best the situation can offer.

If we brake the incident down, What would have happened if you had just said "Hi" not friendly or agressive but matter of fact. And just walked away, getting on with your work. with no time for him to start a conversation. You would have total control. And even if he did start speaking or taying to chat, you just go for the "yeah sorry mate got loads of work on, besides I ain`t the chaty type"

Any normal person at this point would take the hint, and ask by his coworkwers what the score is. Saving you the hassle. You have made your point of telling him you want your space, and don`t chat, and he gets all the info you don`t want to say from the others.

I guess what I am trying to say is, If you can prepare yourself, because you know what is going to come, it is allways better, You can do the Pro`s and Con`s of the situation and work out a plan of action. In the worst case getting a coworker you realy get on with in on it, coming to your aid if the shit hits the fan so to speak, he or she can open an escape route for you that maybe wouldn`t normaly be there.

My biggest problem so my therapist says, is the "Not going as I planned" even on stuff that isn`t planned, but where I have a set way that stuff should be done. when it hits us out of the blue we are f*cked. But there is loads of stuff we can actualy prepare for, thus when the tsunami hits its us, we are allready dealing with it because we have seen it coming.

Tuppence

 

[FUBAR1]

Anglesachse - I know now I may have been able to prevent a bit of the situation by at least being a little bit friendly - the basic 'hi' as you mentioned... and I'll probably try to remember that in the future, although once I'm in my 'bunker down' mode around someone it's very hard for me to open my mouth/acknowledge them period, it takes a bit of force of will to come out from behind my barricade at that point. I give off a very definite 'don't f*cking even LOOK at me vibe' which obviously comes off aggressively but it's meant to because it's a defense system. But as you say it backfired in my face, although he may just be the kind of douchebag to react the way he did irrespective of whether I'm friendly or not. But I'll probably be working with him again this weekend so I'll see if I can muster up the courage to be humble on my end and do some damage control. Maybe tell him I was having a bad day, lots on my mind, and however I came off it wasn't meant to be personal, (which in real truth it's not; I have nothing against f*cking New Guys personally. But this whole incident is just one of the many reasons I hate dealing with them: anyone else at work knows that when I shut down, plug in my headphones, and don't talk to or look at anyone, I'm probably having a panic attack, and if they just leave me alone until I'm ready I'll be friendly and talkative once I'm okay again and they don't take it personally. Sure, I could lay it all bare for this new guy but as I said I couldn't be bothered constantly spilling information to complete strangers and I don't trust this guy enough to say anything about my PTSD at all in case he's an utter asshole about it.)

 

[Ned]

so I'll see if I can muster up the courage to be humble on my end and do some damage control. Maybe tell him I was having a bad day, lots on my mind, and however I came off it wasn't meant to be personal

Eye contact and 'Howdo?' should be enough of a start, not all you fault, mate.