This Makes No Sense

[Tinyflame]

I find for myself there are 2 categories, & one has a subset. There is the first category of well-thought out or wrestled with SI plans, questions of being a burden or doing what's best.

But if SI comes on suddenly, it is usually a trigger. Either stress cup overload, including being ill & not realizing it yet. Exhaustion or other stress contributes as well. The subset would be my thinking, as @Eleanor said to trace it back. For example, is the reaction of your co-worker triggering something (feelings of letting them down, causing them pain, rejection or disapproval on their part, or whatever).

Ultimately however I have found that in addition to trying to identify the cause & take steps to deal with it (plus self-care as well), the second most important part is to acknowledge others & their needs, outside of my own constriction.

For example, not just to acknowledge your T is ill, or realize the cancelled visit may be cause for disappointment or fear, but also to 'think' & wish your T gets better, 'think' of how the demanding schedule affects them, etc. (Not however turning it back to (it would be myself) that I am contributing to that, or what does it 'mean', etc.) I guess 'rolling with it' by acknowledging what you need to manage it a little better each day, a little less panic, & a lot of attempts to learn kindness to one's self.

 

[desiderata310]

I don't think those are ordinary daily events, if you don't mind me saying. When my therapist cancels at the last minute, it triggers my abandonment stuff, and I get suicidal. It was a HUGE deal for me. Any one of those things can fill your stress cup and make you react.

I know this is part of it. No, I don't like to admit it. I feel like I have made my therapist miserable enough as it is without telling him something like this.
The rest of it... yeah... I guess the stress cup is pretty damn full. I've got a huge project today and tomorrow with about 60 people working today and tomorrow, little sleep and I can't even GET to therapy till Friday. I can't pay for therapy! MY therapist wants me to get a service dog and just CALLING someone about that fills me with terror. I am so afraid that they are going to call me a fake, tell me I have no business even trying. Therapy is one big ball of anxiety! I can't afford it, I can't seem to do without it, my therapist is being way too nice and I feel like I am way too much work for anyone to deal with.

What are the qualities? try all of the above! I am frustrated to tears at the moment. EVERYTHING moves so slow here and takes a STUPID number of steps to complete. Just HIRING someone takes an act of Congress! I've been here a year and I keep getting taken off guard by the number of things that NO ONE told me I was supposed to take care of! I have re-written the job descriptions of EVERYONE that works for me so that I can get them all raises, going through that process of being told that I was doing it wrong, the problem of being told that we can't pay these people what they are worth, negotiating THAT, trying to find money for people that doesn't exist, being told that I was doing the percentages wrong and having to redo everyone's paperwork multiple times without any guidance, all while trying to guess my way through the rest of my job! I just want to say f*ck YOU EVERYONE! And I QUIT!
If I hear ONE MORE TIME that's not the way that my predecessor did things I may explode! I AM NOT HIM!

Oh my god. I am bawling my eyes out. I need to go hide somewhere. I am not fit to be around normal people today.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes terrible stress @desiderata310 :( .

I hope you can give yourself permission to not feel badly about any of it. To visualize the STOP sign to those thoughts & (and therefore resultant feelings.) That is an added burden you do not need.

And to break what does need to be done in to small parts. Dispassionately as possible.

And much self care. :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

I want to know why I feel this way so I can change what makes me feel this way. I want it to stop. I spend more days feeling suicidal than I do wanting to live and being anything that resembles ... happy.

You are doing those things - by doing therapy and reaching out here. Eventually, PTSD symptoms like this one will get better. Ok, so I know this doesn't help much in the awful interim....

What are the qualities? try all of the above! I am frustrated to tears at the moment. EVERYTHING moves so slow here and takes a STUPID number of steps to complete. Just HIRING someone takes an act of Congress! I've been here a year and I keep getting taken off guard by the number of things that NO ONE told me I was supposed to take care of! I have re-written the job descriptions of EVERYONE that works for me so that I can get them all raises, going through that process of being told that I was doing it wrong, the problem of being told that we can't pay these people what they are worth, negotiating THAT, trying to find money for people that doesn't exist, being told that I was doing the percentages wrong and having to redo everyone's paperwork multiple times without any guidance, all while trying to guess my way through the rest of my job! I just want to say f*ck YOU EVERYONE! And I QUIT!
If I hear ONE MORE TIME that's not the way that my predecessor did things I may explode! I AM NOT HIM!

Yesterday, I had to mediate a solution between TWO MEDIATORS for the city government in my town in order so that a program didn't collapse and someone else did not get fired and a meeting was set for the future. As the details were being worked out, everyone started bickering over the agenda and told me I was doing it wrong... I walked out and walked home in tears. It seemed so STUPID and was so much stress on me only to be told I was going about the almost impossible task in the wrong was... I nearly lost all ability to function. I felt like it was so small, and yet so huge.

I don't have any answers or solutions - I wish I did, for both our sake! I hope today gets better for you. :hug:

 

[Eleanor]

Do you have any grounding techniques? You sound (reasonably enough) overwhelmed. AND my T has taught me that overwhelm is to be confronted with a big NOT NOW. Right here, right now, look around. Really. Look. Around. Focus on individual things. Pretty things, preferably. Breathe. Right here, right now is death immanent? Is there something that needs doing right here right now to avert catastrophe? Almost always there is not. So. Keep noticing THAT, until your nervous system settles down some. Right here. Right now. Breathing.

 

[desiderata310]

@Eleanor sort of? I've been working on breathing which helps when I get panicked but it hasn't helped much over the last couple of days. I'm still kind of flailing in the grounding department at the moment.

 

[Eleanor]

I am learning a bunch about this and it is starting to make sense to me. PANIC/anixiety creates not just feelings but physiological behavior - and they feedback through habitual thoughts and actions and behaviors. We can interrupt the PANIC system (which a particular part of the brain) by interrupting the thoughts and or triggering another emotional response system that inhibits PANIC, or doing behaviors that SEEM like other systems are activated - which will activate them.

The systems that deactivate PANIC are CARE, SEEKING and PLAY. The behavior that PANIC produces are scanning, crying, hiding, as much as you can physically try NOT to do these things, focus on good stuff, look at funny videos, physically make yourself BIG. By focus I mean literally with your eyes. CARE is about nursing, grooming and providing, so taking care of children, petting animals, cooking, those kind of things will tend to turn on CARE. SEEKING is about interest and enthusiasm - so find a mystery to solve, or a thing to find, go on a hunt for it. PLAY - games are good, physical games are better.

I don't know what you like to do or your context, but I hope this might give you some things to try.

There is a visualization that I learned from Steve Stosny who works with anxiety and relationships, and is really helping me get out of anxiety these days: It may not help everyone, but FWIW Here it is. You are driving in the desert - your car breaks down. You know there is a town a few miles away - it is walkable - but it is straight through the desert. You know you will make it but you are going to get hot and thirsty. You start walking. Some miles in you run across a small child all alone. The child is scared, uncomfortable, distraught. What do you do? You pick the child up, comfort her. Do whatever you do... and it is working. She is settling down. She grabs onto you, and pulls you close. She feels your heart beating and hears your voice. She relaxes against you, and puts her head on your shoulder. You feel her heart slow down and her body relax as she falls asleep in your arms. You feel your core value. The things that are most important and valuable about you, and you are the person you want to be.