This Makes No Sense

[desiderata310]

Today was a real mixed bag.
I got some really fantastic news that a real issue I had with my workplace had been resolved. This problem had been an issue that been so bad that I had written my letter of resignation and was ready to quit come Wednesday.

Good news for me, right?

I also found out today that I had made someone who works for me utterly miserable because I had asked her to do a portion of a job (that is in her job description) but used to be taken care of by my predecessor. It's pushed her behind on her work and she is trying to learn how to do this portion of the job. (basically the paperwork portion of hiring part time workers. I don't know how to do it myself) I feel terrible about it and when I tried to take responsibility for making things difficult she acted rather like an ass.

Frustrating for me, right?

My therapist cancelled this morning at the last minute because he is sick. Very understandable but has also left me feeling .. quite.. out of sorts all day.

No big deal though, right?

So WHY is my first reaction to start thinking about suicide? It's been creeping up on me all day. really. Like a sick cold feeling that I can't quite shake like when you're getting the flu. You know it's coming but you can't quite put your finger on why you feel bad until you start to ache and suddenly you know.

All day I've been working close to a place that I considered committing suicide. Is it a kind of trigger? Why can't I shake it? These are all ordinary every day stressors. I can handle it... I thought..

 

[arfie]

Like a sick cold feeling that I can't quite shake like when you're getting the flu.

You are the most likely to know why, if it is possible to know why, but you hit on my personal logic that I use for my remedy. Treat it like a case of the flu. Psychic flu? Lots of fluid and rest. Soft foods.

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[shimmerz]

I try to do a word association with this. Whatever word pops into my head. Normally it comes down to trapped or 'I have been bad'. Not sure if something comes to your mind but it might give some rhyme or reason in the hear and now that leads you to be able to process it and talk yourself down if it comes up again.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I know how you feel. Is there anyone near you who you trust, who can hug you and help you and understand you when you tell them, you need such a person. Most people do, but ones like us have more problems finding the person.

Please take my hugs and support, and advice of others more experienced than I am.

 

[scout86]

So WHY is my first reaction to start thinking about suicide?

Because you have PTSD? I suppose there might be a specific reason or reasons why these particular stresses cause you to start thinking that way. I think, sometimes, at least for me, there isn't a SPECIFIC reason. That just happens to be one of the things my brain tends to throw out there as a possible solution to a problem or problems. (I picture the problem solving part of my brain rummaging through a bag of possible solutions, throwing things out for consideration in the order they are encountered within the bag, which has nothing at all to do with whether or not they make sense or are GOOD solutions. I try to watch for something that actually DOES make sense to get thrown out for consideration. Sometimes it actually happens.)

 

[desiderata310]

rough night last night trying to sleep even though I was completely worn out.

I thought sleep would help. I feel worse. of course I didn't really sleep either.

I really want to quit my job, quit therapy, and then kill myself. No one would notice I am gone then. Then I find myself thinking things like: oh well, I need to at least get through the interview process on Wednesday so that the department can have someone in place to take this employee's place when she retires at the end of the year.

*rolls eyes*

Maybe it is as simple as PTSD... if you can call PTSD simple.

Maybe I really need a vacation both from my job and PTSD. I'm just so tired of fighting and feeling like this and hating who I am and where I am and what I am.

I can't stand touch @otakujome and I don't have any friends here. I can't seem to make connections like that anymore. *shrug*

 

[Eleanor]

What would count as an answer? What kind of "why" are you looking for?

Cosmic? Moral? Psychological (mental contents? Conditioned affect?)

And what do you want it for?

Sorry, Cross posted.

or was it just a "Why oh why???" kind of thing.

I'm sorry you feel so badly. You have so much going on, and PTSD really really sucks and is EXHAUSTING - and mental/emotional fatigue is a big part of depression a lot of the time. Sometimes the relief of a stressor being gone can plunge us into depression, the stress was holding us up.

And that bit will get better, it is blowback and it does end.

Be gentle with yourself. Ground out a lot if you can.

We would notice. We do notice.

 

[desiderata310]

@Eleanor at the moment, I don't know!

I want to know why I feel this way so I can change what makes me feel this way. I want it to stop. I spend more days feeling suicidal than I do wanting to live and being anything that resembles ... happy.

 

[joeylittle]

@desiderata310, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know the feeling.

It sounds like you are really wanting relief, not actually death. It's so easy to get the two confused, especially when relief seems like it's not ever going to happen and is not even possible. It can be normal to get this feeling after a couple of heavy stressors in a row, I think. How are you on self-care? Like, can you take some time every day to do something supportive for yourself - whether its exercise, cooking a meal, a favorite movie or TV show, etc, etc.? A few days of well-planned distraction+self care activities might get you onto a better foot.

Thinking of you.

 

[Eleanor]

What you describe SOUNDS like you are just (JUST! HA!) really really tired. Are there other qualities to it? Despair? Apathy? Frustration?

It might be that you just need down time - rest, good nutrition, exercise - if it is primarily metabolic/physiological. I have a friend who was SERIOUSLY low on vitamin D - she got that topped up and felt SO much better. She also had crap sleep. And she sleeps now.

It might be that you have thinking habits that trigger you back into ... whatever the actual emotional state is. In that case it would probably help to trigger yourself out. (pet puppies! play computer games, get interested in investigating something, do something helpful in person or on line - these all activate other emotional systems that are positive valenced so give you energy. )

Can you report the ... chain of emotional events that puts you into depression? Trace it back?

And it might be helpful to know that since memory is state dependent when you feel badly - particularly if it is a trauma related feeling badly - it will inevitably seem like you've ALWAYS felt like that - just because it is objectively hard to remember when you didn't. Pictures can sometimes help reignite the other happy memory states.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I don't think those are ordinary daily events, if you don't mind me saying. When my therapist cancels at the last minute, it triggers my abandonment stuff, and I get suicidal. It was a HUGE deal for me. Any one of those things can fill your stress cup and make you react.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

These are all ordinary every day stressors.

Maybe they are, to people without PTSD, and maybe not even then. Little things can trigger my suicidal thoughts too. Once one of my parts was upset by making a meal list with my husband and she really wanted to commit suicide. It did not seem to be a reasonable reaction. However, my therapist dug deeper with that part and figured out it was just one more reason of feeling not wanted and unloved. I don't have a lot of advice, but I did want you to know that I understand and I am sorry you are having such a hard time and still struggling with those thoughts today.