Relationship This may seem like stupid question ???

[A13]

Hi all. My partner and I have been together for 5 turbulent years... but for the most part we have enjoyed each other’s company.

Something has washed over me the last few months and I am almost afraid to sound selfish. No major event such as betrayal or anything like that has occurred.

Long term how is it sustainable to have a healthy relationship for both parties??

Currently in my head I feel like I’m a hotel owner that my partner comes home for the night, receives his dinner, sits up to the small hours of the morning on the internet and I get the occasional grunt when he gets into bed just as I’m getting out to attend my work.

Meanwhile in his head all is “OK”

I’m at the stage I feel kind of envious that my friends partners are such good communicators or actually show them some affection or even just take a Small interest in their girlfriends lives.

When does it become too much?? That there is no longer any good times apart from being in love with this man? ...
in my mind how hard is a hug. Or a little chat about how my day went. A kiss and a cuddle in bed..... a text to say I’m thinking of you.

I have asked myself do I break my own heart one final time for good and stop this heartache that I hoped he would come round from for the last 6 months. But I can never do it because I love him and just wish the real him would come back.

If I’m having these thoughts is that me giving up? Am I just finding it hard at the minute??

I am in love with him. But how much, what feels like unrequited love can someone take ???

Any tips or ideas to pull me out of this funk???

Yours,
A tired confused and lonely sufferer!

 

[Freida]

just wish the real him would come back.

Did you know him before ptsd? Either way, that person is gone. That's not good or bad, just is. PTSD changes how you view the world, including where you see yourself in relationships. You have to be comfortable with the person you have now. Treatment can help if he's willing - if he's not that's a whole 'nother problem.

But I think the questions you are asking could apply to any relationship - not just ptsd ones. How long do you stay if you aren't happy?
I think that's different for everyone. I guess when being without him makes you happier than being with him

 

[A13]

No he had PTSD when we met. He was really open and flitted in and out of treatment.

He’s not in treatment at the minute. Seems to be on some self destructive mode at the minute and no amount of asking him would change his mind.

He was just him. And I remember these stints before but much shorter and I would see the real him again and everything would feel perfect.

This time it’s feels like it’s going on forever.

 

[Hojay]

I’m sorry you’re going through that. That’s a really lonely place to be. I’m assuming you’ve tried to talk to him about this? What’s his answer?

Like @Freida said, this could happen in any relationship, with or without PTSD. Just with PTSD it’s easier to hang on to hope that it’s just a symptom or phase. I’d say though, even within PTSD relationships, unless acutely symptomatic, a certain amount of emotional investment from a PTSD partner should be required. It’s not too much to ask, and no, you’re not being selfish. If he’s grooved himself into minimal effort, it’s absolutely fine for you to say it’s not enough.

 

[EveHarrington]

This IS the real him!

That IS the real him, too!

Everything we do is the REAL us!

The PTSD stuff, the non PTSD stuff, all of it.

I think you’re accepting only one part of him. That’s not healthy for either of you. I’d let him go as you’re at the resentment stage.

This? What he is now? Isn’t going away. It may become less frequent over time, but he’ll likely struggle with symptoms on one level or another for quite some time.

Perfection?

Doesn’t exist.

My ex used to say that 90% of the time things were perfect, it was that 10% that he couldn’t handle. Dangling that shit in front of me, like I was ONLY 90% perfect. Yeah, he was a lot less than 90% perfect. He was just better at hiding it. Point being, accept the whole kit and caboodle or move on.

 

[Confused_84]

The hardest thing to accept is that someone, as great as they might be and as much as you might love them, just may not be capable of giving you what you need in return.

 

[littleoc]

If I were in your situation, I would show him this post. Not literally, maybe, but I'd be at least sharing exactly what you said here with him.

I'd see what he thinks about it.

I would see if he might agree for couple's therapy, if he's surprised or if he seems to feel similarly.

But if nothing seemed to change... I'd let him go, even if I loved him, because this just won't work without both of you putting in effort. But I would, at least, let him know of this possibility in advance.

I'm not particularly experienced in relationships -- my only one's haven't been great examples -- but I hope it helps anyway

 

[OrangeJulius]

I agree with everyone. Your relationship needs must be met. If they aren't, its not selfish to ask that they be met and/or consider moving on. And if this has been ongoing for 6 months.....that would absolutely bother me because those periods really suck!

How much have you guys discussed the PTSD in the past? Like, is it a topic you're comfortable bringing up?

For me, we directly talk about it infrequently but I don't hesitate to bring it up when it needs to be discussed and it isn't met with negativity (in part due to me choosing time wisely, and him being incredibly aware of how messed up he is).

But when he's in the thick of it and I start getting insecure about what's going on my go to question is "are you feeling extra stressed?" When he says yes "let me know if there's anything I can do or stop doing to help ease it." He usually says ok. And if he says more than that I just have to read the situation to see if I can ask more questions to understand what's going on and if he leaves it at that then I know he's not ready to talk about it yet and he is still in the thick of it.

There are no good answers to your questions. It is certainly up to you , your situation, what you're comfortable with Etc. However, after spending so much time together, personally, I would definitely want to see if I could initiate some sort of conversation that he's receptive to an attempt to understand what's been going on for the past 6 months. I think I would personally regret walking away and moving on if I didn't try that first. But that's just me. Again, these are great questions that only you can answer.

 

[Hojay]

Everything we do is the REAL us

This is totally true, Eve. I think the struggle here or from the supporter’s side in general, is that the symptomatic stuff often isn’t the baseline. They’re the lows that we as supporters have to learn to ride out—or not, for that matter, if the symptomatic turns out to be the baseline.

I think it’s good advice to accept someone as they are, front to finish, but quite frankly, i do wonder how many of us would actually still be with our partners if we viewed their lows and often unacceptable behavior as their personality, not a coping mechanism that isn’t necessarily a reflection of their true personality. I think we’re all in the business here of loving the person we know and they know they are, not necessarily how they behave all the time. That makes it particularly difficult to know when to bow out, when to accept they’re just not right for us, or when to ride it out with acceptance and compassion.