This May Sound Strange, But I Miss My Major Anxiety And Panic Attack Time Period

[MT Johnny]

Because I swear, it was better than my current phase, which is depression/low energy/no enthusiasm.

A couple of years ago, I was hit by major anxiety and panic attacks, and it actually served me well in some ways - lost a lot of weight, got me moving again, and I basically was so wound up I got by on very little sleep and just kept moving - a moving target is harder to hit, after all. It was a big adrenaline rush, and it lasted about 2 years overall.
Depression sucks, frankly, all I want to do is eat, sleep, and I do the bare mimimum I can get away with in all aspects of my life.

I know, it sounds really weird, but I was thinking how much better off I was physically when I could barely eat and I was working out all of the time, lost weight, and had a lot of energy.

And I miss the adventures I used to have, like all-night long distance bike treks halway across the region, because i couldn't sleep anyway and hey, it was a way to distract my mind from my miseries.

 

[illusionist]

I can see where you are coming from, I tend to be in anxiety mode most of the time...depression, to me, is so much harder to cope with. Anxiety is easier to reason with imo. Hope you find a way out of this.

 

[Chava]

So probably you miss the adrenaline, not the actual panic attacks? I have similar feelings sometimes....I used to be so wired. In my imagination I was more fun too. But I was really just sort of chaotic and detached. But I know I got more recognition (and felt more worthwhile by my standards) when I was over-working than now when I'm doing as little as possible some days.

My body crashed, I ended up with chronic pain, and the depression has been really challenging. It's hard to find the healthy balance. But I'm finding some slower "adventures"...photography, sound/music stuff, new concerts, quiet projects or things I'm learning about....it's not the same mania but it does feel good to find novelty and new interest at a level that's probably much more healthy for me.

 

[BlueOrange]

I have some nostalgia for a simpler time, before I was aware of the harm my dissociation was causing. The other extreme was not fun at all. Over time, I've been able to find less extreme ways of being. It turns out that the dial has settings other than 0 and 100. I haven't found 50 yet, but 70 and 30 seem to do me a lot less harm than 100 and 0 did.

 

[MT Johnny]

Yeah, the actual panic attacks were not fun, I remember one in particular when I was driving on the interstate in morning rush hour traffic that could have been a bad outcome for me and others - so grateful when I could get off and park and ride it out.
It was the high energy state that worked in some ways for me - too bad it was not based in anything good, but in fear. And the crash was inevitable because the entire thing was totally unsustainable long-term.

I agree about the concept of finding a balance or middle ground - never my character to do that, I was raised in a state of chaos where every little thing was a major crisis per the disfunctional family dynamic - so moderation is hard for me.

I guess I am not good at knowing what is my best interest at the time. In hindsight, had I been able to bring myself to a less extreme state I wouldn't maybe have burnt out.

 

[BlueOrange]

In extreme environments, moderation is a bad idea. The fact that our lives have improved, and that moderation has become a good idea, that's a good thing. It's just that it takes getting used to.

 

[Go Hungry]

That's a tough call. I know that I miss mania.. Back in simpler times when I was just a madman running around... But I bet you anything, that if you asked me then whether I would like to keep living in that way or in the manner that I do now; I know he would give it up in a heartbeat. I think a lot of that comes from the obsessions that I had back then. My mind was always occupied (and miserable) and I ran around and had adventures because of the absurdity of it all. had a deathwish, so I could act without regard to my own life. I know for a fact that is the reason I started smoking. I thought I was dying so what was the harm in it all?

Answer: a very great deal. The doc just told me that I'm headed straight for emphysema in 4-5 years.

So ultimately, I'd say no. I'll take the depression over the panic attacks and mania. At least with depression I can fake it, but with the other, the level of chaos is so great that I can't do anything other than freak out again and again and again...

 

[KwanYingirl]

During my high anxiety stage I accomplished a lot but I was not euphoric in the least bit. My depression pulsated right below my adrenaline overdoses. So suicidal, I have no idea how I survived. All the while maintaining a 4.0 GPA in college.

Now my anxiety is not serving me at all. It makes me isolate, keeps me from joining in society and exhausts me. All I miss of it was the weight loss-too high a price to pay. My depression has never been adequately treated by mess. I hold onto my supports by my fingertips.

I'd like to be hovering midline between both, just as we were designed to be. But with PTSD it is a long row to hoe. Your nocturnal bike rides sound lovely.

 

[ZakPak]

Here's my background before I give my two cents: I'm not sure how long I've lived with depression, anxiety, and repressed anger. Probably since a very young age. I was born profoundly deaf [which has been an amazing experience for me, incredible and different! Deafness is my pride and joy! As for the way society treats me, that's another story.] The real source of my affliction is genetic and came from my parents and their parents. Their parents abandoned them and their family abused them before they parented me. My mother left him when I was age 1 and since then kept him away from me and my brother. She has depression, anxiety, and repressed anger as well, but because she had gone about things that harmed me and my brother, two things happened. My brother and I developed this same affliction, but yet instead of resorting to manipulation and abuse like my brother had, I became even more depressed, anxious, and righteously avoidant. This intensified when our mother remarried a man who had anger issues [because he was beaten by his father] and he would get physically rough with us while trying not to leave a mark. When I was 5 or 6, my brother asked him for permission to punch me in the face. I hadn't heard but I watched them have this conversation. Immediately after, I got punched in the face. So I went to my stepfather and punched him in the nuts. Everday our new parents fought over anything if that meant gaining control of the home. By age 16, I tried medicine. That killed my passion and left me with a foggy head and heart. From there, I refused to do anything with that. Natural's my way. It was also at age 16 I convinced my mother to go through another divorce. She even brought that up with him, letting him know I was the reason. When I was 18, I found my real father and became disillusioned that he would never be my father. It was at college when I faced a future without that kind of environment. You would think I'd be happy but instead I was alone to deal with the aftermath.

Present-day: I'm 25 now, so that would be almost twenty years. I would vent through poetry I post on Facebook and go through episodic bursts of rage over hypothetical situations or memories when I'm by myself. I would prepare for the future and be hypervigilant at others and even myself. It came down to control. Sometimes in confrontations, I would allow depression to get the best of me instead of anger because it was always "better to injure myself than another". I've never had therapy, never afforded to. I probably don't need to. I overthought it through.

My two cents: I think that depression is one extreme that needs to be countered with another. I can never get out of bed these days without reminding myself to be angry, to hold onto that righteous wrath, in order to get me back to the healthy and kind thoughts and behavior. People may disagree with me on this but when you're depressed, put a value on anger. It keeps you alive. It stems from the same vein of fear anxiety and panic attacks come from, lending you that adrenaline rush and enthusiasm. You should allow it run through you and organize it. It's important to give power to your intention, not your emotion. Because of depression, we NEED happiness. We NEED control. We're very aware the bare minimum isn't enough and can trick us into thinking we're not enough or people's not enough when the matter of fact is we're not angry or motivated or pumped enough to FEED the NEED. What do you guys think? I'd love to get out of my head. <3

 

[Ptsd2015]

I had the exact same feelings a couple of months ago. I dealt with pretty bad anxiety for 3 years, then went through a traumatic event and had increased and additional periods of depression. The depression for me was far worse than the anxiety. Here is what I noticed: I think it is impossible for me to be both anxious and depressed. I cannot be in a full anxiety state and in a deep depression at the same time. I have used this somewhat to control how i feel. When I am depressed I realized how I am free from my anxiety and it cheers me up. When I am anxious I remember how I am free from my depression, and sometimes this cheers me up, or sometimes it just distracts me from anxiety and I become depressed. But this made me realize how much the anxiety and depression is easily manipulated and it made me realize that there is more I can do about it.
I have found ways to avoid the depression as much as possible, but sometimes the dark cloud just hovers over me and won't budge. Even during the depression except for my darkest moments, I have learned to cheer myself up by noticing how little anxiety I feel.
I often miss the anxiety when I am depressed because I was able to do so much more. I am learning to deal with them slowly and feel that I am making progress
Do not lose hope, you can work through the depression and use your experience to help with anxiety as well.