This Might Be It

[Gs172003]

Too many times in my own recovery it was this very son that saved my life. And Yet in his world I am to b...

My son and my oldest daughter is why I'm still here. I knew if I did it that's all they would need to have an excuse to do it themselves. I can't do that. I can't I can't I can't. I'd rather suffer than do that to them.

 

[Justaguy76]

My kids are the only reason I am still alive. If they were not here I would have been gone 7 yrs ago. They keep me alive everyday, but it is increasingly hard to hang on.

 

[Gs172003]

My kids are the only reason I am still alive. If they were not here I would have been gone 7 yrs ago...

Do what you need to do to make it. They need you and always will.

 

[sun seeker]

I've changed my mind three times now about whether to respond to this or not. I always feel like my words on this topic ring hollow. But anyway...

Sure it would hurt my wife and kids in the short term

It would hurt them in the long term. I know someone whose relative committed suicide and left a note to this effect. The family have in fact never gotten over it. I have NEVER heard of a situation where someone's "my family would be better off without me" reasoning was actually true. It just isn't. They would be devastated - permanently.

Looking back I can see how slowly over time I have become self centered, hateful, short tempered , irratible, and nasty. It feels like it's too late , like nothing will ever be normal again.

I don't know you, so won't argue with whether you actually are all these things or not. What I will say though, is that depression has a way of making us see ourselves and our lives in the worst possible light. Also, a person who really is all the things you are saying about yourself is unlikely to be worrying about it or posting about it. They'd just go ahead being all those things. You are in horrendous pain from unresolved trauma - I'm assuming, since you are here. That's going to affect your relationships, yes, just as someone in horrible physical pain from a serious illness is not going to be all sunshine with the people around them. You're human. You're suffering. You need help. None of that makes you a bad person. Even if your wife is saying so.

I'm glad you have the psychologist to talk to. I hope she can help you see where your thinking on this is very black and white. Suicide isn't the answer to your relationship problems. There are other choices. Different colours in the landscape. I know it's hard to see them right now, but it's true.

I'll stop now. Just don't give up on yourself, please.

 

[I_will_recover]

@Justaguy76

What @Friday said I promise you this is the most absolute truth.

 

[I_will_recover]

Also, I don't have kids but my suicide was completely on hold while I was caring for (and wonderfully be cared) my fur baby (my cat).

 

[Justaguy I am]

Lost my login, here it goes anyway

The last little bit felt like an upswing after a horrible low. Tonight I feel even lower after a stupid fight. I think how easy it would be to walk out to the garage and start everything gas powered and make everything disappear. F Christmas, and everything I can't do this

 

[ladee]

Can you at least call a suicide hotline or a crisis hotline.You have nothing to loose by making that call.
Prayers for you to find something to hold on to.

 

[I_will_recover]

Stupid fights will happen often whether you have PTSD or not. As a person who contemplates its constantly I've learned to ask myself, "can I wait one more hour (or 2 or 24 or a week)?" Sometimes it helps to put a little distance if it's a specific upsetting event.
Keep checking in here on this site. It helps.