This One’s For The Guys (but Gals Can Chime In Too) . . .

[DMerish]

Putting this under Accomplishments may not be the correct place, but I've accomplished something (you'll understand in a moment) so it seemed this is a better place than many others . . .

Okay, so I have PTSD and had a couple of tough years. My symptoms are manageable; typically getting more manageable by the day and life’s getting better. But, I haven’t been in a relationship for ten years and I haven’t dated in six years. I’ve been too scared and too busy –

I've gone on four dates in the last two weeks. I'm a bit embarrassed to say that, and at the same time proud of myself too. Anyhoo, I signed up on an online dating site. Put my profile up, got a lot of unsuitable responses, viewed a lot of poser profiles and met with two guys, but things didn't click.

I was just about to cancel my membership when a different fellow “liked” me. His profile intrigued me. It was genuine. We emailed back and forth for a week and a half, and met face-to-face this morning. I know he found me physically attractive and our conversation was easy. We have mutual interests, we laughed at each other’s humor, and even touched on a couple of deep subjects without too much side stepping. So, I emailed him later saying thank you, I enjoyed getting together, and added I’d like to see him again.

A few hours later, I received a kind but brief reply. I now feel a wee bit down (I’m not a psycho; I'll get over it), and I’m confused. I’m out of step with how to do the dance. It’s like I don’t remember. I don’t know if he just needs to think about me, in general, or think about what I wrote in my last email, (i.e. I’d like to see him again); or whether he’s shy/out of the hang of things too and unsure of the next step; whether he wants me to pursue him or if he just brushed me off.

I know, I know, myptsd is not a site for dating advise . . . I just want a few reminders/pointers so I don’t make any of this as a big deal and begin feeling like I'm a "loser" and I feel like just asking, “Did you just brush me off?” Is that too bold a question?

Thoughts?

 

[bell]

Not a dude, but I just had my first date in years recently. OMG. So hard. (Therefore, I think you posted in the right section!)

Just wanted to say that you're not the only one who feels out of step. I was like a puppy on speed. So nervous!

 

[DMerish]

I was like a puppy on speed. So nervous!

ROFL!!! :D :D :D I thought I had already laffed my hardest earlier, for today, until that came along Bell!!!

STILL ROFL!!!!

 

[nursenurse]

This stuff never gets easier. It was awful as a teen, and I find it is a a royal pain now, as you very well know. Waiting sucks. So you give a hint and then he blows you off? I dunno, I'm thinking of becoming a cat lady some day. the Dude and I had a decent internet connection, we went out for 9 months, and I did not end up with the brass ring. He and the Skank continue to make horrible music together.

What did he say to you to make you feel like you were brushed off? Probably the logical thing to do is to let it go for now, you told him how you felt, and maybe he is taking his time. A lot of these folks are playing the field too, don't forget. He might have his irons in other fires, so to speak.

I commend you for stepping out. I don't think I can do it ever again. Hang in there.

You aren't a loser!!!!!

 

[DMerish]

I'm thinking of becoming a cat lady some day.

Can I borrow that line? Maybe I could use it as a come back :happy:

 

[Lost Pup]

Don't sweat it too much. Everyone on those sites is looking for the same basic things and most people have some residual discomfort with dating and looking for love/companionship/sex online. Plus we all just have our particularities and pheromone responses, etc. In person, the latter is a natural part of the mix of who we are literally drawn to but online, it is 100% absent. Sometimes the chemistry is literally just off once we actually meet up. I think the trick is to just not sweat it too hard and keep a sense of humor about what a miserable crapshoot dating really is. If you can remember to laugh at that, you will do fine and might even have fun with it. Just give it time. I always found *someone* to hang out with when I online dated. Seems like it works well to craft your profile with some insider references to the things that really excite you. Also, being a tad bit mysterious when dating can work wonders. Good luck and have fun if you can...

 

[Notsowild]

I could have written this thread @DMerish it sounds like my life!!!

I've been on 4 dates after not dating for 10+ years. The first one we talked in the phone first then met on a date a few weeks later. He was nice but I thought a little prejudiced. Date went fine I texted him saying thanks for the dinner, never heard anything back. Then about 2 months later he texts me and wants me to go out with him WHAT??? Come on guys I don't understand???

Second date biker guy( I'm not into bikes) Nice guy, great sense of humour, we chatted for 4 hours, he gave me a hug and waved at me as he rode away on his Harley. Never heard from him again

Third date met at a coffee shop He knew me - he was a friend of my girlfriends husband. I had met him once with his then wife. So he was okay - we had a quick coffee then as we went to leave he leaned in to kiss me. That was odd!!! Never heard from him again

I think guys are "fishing" trying to see what's out there before they make a choice.

Oh I guess I never had that fourth date. Now this guy hmm we chatted on line for months. Had so much in common. Loved chatting with him. Then all of a sudden he started getting jealous of me talking with other men and quit texting me. THEN about 3 months later he texts me and apologizes for being a jerk. So we been texting again. I try to keep it like friends but then I haven't been dating since my car accident. Maybe in another 10 years lol

We should start a thread DMerish- Dating with PTSD

@bell

I was like a puppy on speed. So nervous

This is hilarious!!! On my first date I asked the waitress for a drink first thing to calm my nerves and I'm not a drinker!

 

[DMerish]

On my first date I asked the waitress for a drink first thing to calm my nerves and I'm not a drinker!

:D I seriously thought about doing that, but sheez, we met for breakfast! Maybe a wee bit inappropriate, ya think? :D

 

[circe47]

I get to give my 19 year old dating advice, since I'm happily committed. I tell him that after decades of experience, I have found the more I waited, the better things seemed to work out.

I remind him about the movie Singles with Vince Vaughn and that 3 day rule thing. There is something to be said about not appearing desperate, and giving the other person time to process and reflect.

I think you did fine. You served him your play by sending him a thank you e-mail and expressing that you are in the game. There was nothing wrong with that. Now the ball is in his court and you have to wait and see. In the meantime, don't sit around waiting. Date others.

While I am no fan of games, I also know that even birds have rituals for attracting suitable mates.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok so I get slammed for saying this BUT you can't reverse MILLIONS of years of evolution!

At the end of the day, dating is a game. It always has been and always will be. Don't like the word "game"? Replace it with "dance". Same sentiment, it just makes those who say they don't play games feel a little bit better about themselves.

The simple truth is that guys like to chase. They evolved to love the chase. If you appear too eager, they quickly become disinterested. I don't make the rules, I just learn from what I see and what I experience.

I hate the dating game. I think that's why I prefer to stay in this unclear un identified "situation" of sorts.

 

[bell]

Yeah, I let it all hang out I was so nervous. And then felt bad when he didn't call. And then realized that he was more interested in playing games and playing it cool than me. And then I didn't feel so bad that he didn't call, even if I was really excited to meet him, because we seemed to really hit it off.

Why? Because I realized I want someone who doesn't care if they're being cool/showing their hand they're so excited to meet me! Outside of a few awkward things that I said because I was waaaay out of practice, I realized I acted just how I would want someone to act when they met and really liked me. I want someone to be a dork they're so happy to meet me. And if it takes a little longer to find that dork, that's okay by me. (Just as long as they effin' hurry up!) ;)

 

[scout86]

It looks like you're not getting a ton of input from guys. Darn! :sorry:

Personally, I like your "Did you just brush me off?" idea! Really like it, in fact. But, I'm no good at all at this kind of thing and feel like I miss most of what's going on, most of the time. So, sometimes the best thing I can do is point blank ask "what just happened?" If someone is going to be around me for any length of time, they're going to have to deal with the fact that I miss a lot of what most people take for granted in social interactions. May as well find out right off whether or not that's a problem.

Good luck with you adventure!