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Thought I was doing better

  • Thread starter whenwillthisend
  • Start date
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whenwillthisend

I thought I was doing better, I thought I was making progress. Took a vacation with my kids and my spouse stayed behind. We are not doing well , I want to work on things and she does not. After coming home from the trip I feel almost as bad as I did when I had my breakdown. I didn’t sleep, and got as far as putting my hands on the rope again. I feel trapped , I feel like my weekly psychologist sessions aren’t enough. Like I need to return to inpatient therapy again. Or would it be easier for all involved if I just went away or disappeared. I know logically that my kids would not want that, but I keep having the thoughts which are becoming more frequent and last longer. This sucks
 
There are so many reasons why I want to move out and move on. There are also many reasons why I can’t leave. I want so badly to work things out for myself, for my kids, but I can feel it killing me. It feels so convincing in my head that killing myself is my only way out.
 
My baseline Suicide Rule =

If my death hurts? Die better.
If my life hurts? Live better.


Because…
It feels so convincing in my head that killing myself is my only way out.
…This.

Emotional reasoning says BS things like the way to fix my life? Is to die. That makes no sense. Dying doesn’t fix my life. In any way. Instead it takes ALL ability to do anything about my life and nixes it. The ultimate in helplessness & powerlessness.

Emotions? Just don’t logic so hot.

Just because something feels right? Or feels like the only way? Doesn’t mean it is right, or is the only way. Even if I can’t think my way out of a wet paper bag and come up with anything better… yet.
 
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These are good realisations of what you need. Can you raise them with your psychologist and get the level of treatment you need at this moment?
I don’t have an apt till next week , today is even worse than yesterday and I don’t know if I can make it till tomorrow let alone next week.

My baseline Suicide Rule =

If my death hurts? Die better.
If my life hurts? Live better.


Because…

…This.

Emotional reasoning says BS things like the way to fix my life? Is to die. That makes no sense. Dying doesn’t fix my life. In any way. Instead it takes ALL ability to do anything about my life and nixes it. The ultimate in helplessness & powerlessness.

Emotions? Just don’t logic so hot.

Just because something feels right? Or feels like the only way? Doesn’t mean it is right, or is the only way. Even if I can’t think my way out of a wet paper bag and come up with anything better… yet.
I know emotions and thoughts are liars logically, it just hurts so bad. I can feel it in my bones , I can’t breathe I want it to end
 
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I can't express enough gratitude for the profound impact equine therapy has had on my life. Through the gentle guidance of horses, I've learned to reconnect with my body, process past traumas, and cultivate a sense of inner peace. It's an incredible modality that I believe more people should know about. I recommend checking out:
 
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I don’t have an apt till next week , today is even worse than yesterday and I don’t know if I can make it till tomorrow let alone next week.
Sounds like this is a time to contact them out of the session? I don't know where you are in the world and what agreements you have about what to do in a crisis. But can you call them today? Or a crisis line?
 
I can't express enough gratitude for the profound impact equine therapy has had on my life. Through the gentle guidance of horses, I've learned to reconnect with my body, process past traumas, and cultivate a sense of inner peace. It's an incredible modality that I believe more people should know about. I recommend checking out:
My time in inpatient therapy included some equine. Perhaps I should try to find something here , couldn’t hurt I guess

Sounds like this is a time to contact them out of the session? I don't know where you are in the world and what agreements you have about what to do in a crisis. But can you call them today? Or a crisis line?
I didn’t have much luck with a crisis line that last time I called , felt like they were just trying to get me off the phone. I tried to book another session with my therapist but there isn’t anything available before my session next week. I was able to double up some sessions in a few weeks but that doesn’t help now.
 
I’m still hanging on trying to push through , but this past week has been super tough. I feel trapped in my negative thoughts and in the house I’m living in. Trying to repair a broken marriage with a spouse who doesn’t want to repair things and put on a happy face for the kids. Trying not ruin their lives anymore than it already has been with my depression. This past week , not wanting to ruin their lives is the only thing which has kept me from killing myself. I just want to be the happy person I used to be. I don’t know what else to say.
 
That’s a rock solid reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Are you on any anti-depressant medication? Maybe time to look at that option, or change your current prescription?
I am on a cocktail of 6 meds right now. I think overall they work ? Having said that I’ve had some really low periods over the last month when I really don’t know if they work. I know that my meds are one piece of the equation but maybe it’s time to ask if they’re are other med combinations?
 
I know that my meds are one piece of the equation but maybe it’s time to ask if they’re are other med combinations?
Hopefully not 6 different types of psychotropics! (If that’s the case, sometimes that’s how it ends up) then you’re essentially on a gamble of “does this work, for this individual”, but there are no actual studies that will clarify how those 6 drugs interact.

I’ve tried a lot of different psychotropics (about 25), and a lot of different combinations of psychotropics. We did finally get there with a combination that helps me immensely (one a-typical antidepressant, and one anti-psychotic). But there was a lot of trial and error, and several times where it seemed a drug might be helping, but then it became apparent it really wasn’t doing much when my mood stability was really tested.

If you haven’t already, you can now do a genetic test specifically to assess how psychotropic meds will be metabolised by your system. That helps rule out drugs that are likely to be unhelpful, or simply bring a crap load of side effects with no real gain. That was really helpful for me.

It’s not a quick process to change meds. It means titrating off stuff, then the 6 week wait to see if the new one works. You can bring that down to closer to a 2-3 week turnaround if you can just go inpatient for a few weeks and do it under supervision, which is how I did my meds testing.

Good psychotropics can make life completely different. And with just one or 2 (rather than 6), it’s a lot easier to modify your dose over time depending on whether your mood needs more or less support. But it does sound like your cocktail isn’t working for you right now, and it may be worth a conversation with the prescriber, or seeking a second opinion (I did that multiple times - it was always a worthwhile exercise).
 
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