Thoughts of Brain

[Fiadh]

f*cking shit bollocks wanker my head. My head wants to run away, but it can’t. I keep myself away from everyone, routine has gone out window. I know all the things I have to change, but at same time don’t feel I deserve to, I should feel this bad. I am not a nice person. I want to escape from this, from feelings, from memories. Wipe slate clean. f*ck sake

 

[Fiadh]

Feelings: helpless, hopeless, guilty, exhausted and anxious

Wish there was a miracle cure to get rid of these feelings so that I don’t have to carry them around or make things better again. I haven’t left my home for months. It’s easier that way. I hate life at the moment.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Feelings: helpless, hopeless, guilty, exhausted and anxious

All valid feelings, all wrapped up with memories. Painful, but you aren’t alone. Just wanted to say.

You came here. So even if you haven’t had the energy or the ability to take yourself outside of your home, you’re still in this. All those feelings? They also have the tendency to keep the isolation strong. Take the time you need, make the steps when you’re ready. Small steps. What you feel is always ok, some of it will pass or change.
Yes, some of it feels horrible while it’s there, so I’m glad you mentioned it....and I hope knowing you’re not alone is some form of comfort for you.

 

[Fiadh]

Thank you @Warrior Chicken your post made me feel like I’m not going crazy and alone with feeling like this at the moment. Really means something, thanks. You’re right, I am here, so will make the most of what I can learn and not feel so isolated, even though that’s what I’m doing to myself !

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I’m doing to myself !

It’s easy to be hard on ourselves but there’s reasons why isolation can be necessary. When I catch myself isolating, I try to slowly add in activities or things that counter the isolation. Writing here, texting someone (for me that works best if I can help them or support them somehow), going to the gym (not engaging with people and using equipment that keeps me comfortable- sometimes that’s just the cardio machines cuz I can keep an eye on everything), going to the cafe to sit and watch people.

It’s stuff you’ll know you can do or try. Just go slow....it’s not you, your brain is doing what it’s designed to do for survival. But it’s breaking down the survival response when it’s too strong and doesn’t need to isolate you from threats/danger. Rebuilding the social engagement system is important so you can start to enjoy the full range of your brain.... it can be exhausting though!

 

[Survivor3]

f*cking shit bollocks wanker my head. My head wants to run away, but it can’t. I keep myself away from everyone, routine has gone out window. I know all the things I have to change, but at same time don’t feel I deserve to, I should feel this bad. I am not a nice person. I want to escape from this, from feelings, from memories. Wipe slate clean. f*ck sake

yeah I feel like that alot.!!! Hope you feel better soon.

 

[Fiadh]

Glad I’m not alone in my thinking, sometimes the brain can be a messed up place to reside! @Warrior Chicken i took your advice and text a friend, left the house and went to watch a film. Must say it was nice to get out, felt like I’d done a lot more than I’d actually had! Anyway nice to have a reminder to actually live.

Everything feels like a rollercoaster at the moment. Not sure what’s unsettled my routine so much. I have a few ideas, but gunna have to let this just ride out I suppose. I hate having emotions at times, it reminds me that I am actually a human and not someone who can just ‘get on with it’. My brains way of saying ‘oy you will listen to me and pay attention to what’s happened’. Otherwise I would be walking around in a state of oblivious fake happiness I suppose. I need to face the past, but at what point do I need to draw a line under it and move on. Perhaps when I can get past the point of avoiding people for months at a time.

So Dear Brain, if you can me a wee heads up of what be bothering you and I can get to work on it. Or don’t and I will eventually work it out I guess. Things are gunna have to change, canny be letting people down as much as I have been, you’ll get me fired. Also friendless, which would be a sucker for you as I know you’d be bored within a couple of months. So I am implementing behavioural activation mode (which I know you hate) and starting from morning we will be starting routine again, until you can bothered to do it yourself, on your own, without making it feel like brushing my teeth is the biggest task in the whole wide world. on the plus side we will also do fun things, like eat pizza and watch films, not all is bad under the new regime.

Oh and you will be seeing real life people at least once a week, even if that is in a shop.

 

[Fiadh]

Honestly feel helpless right now, been told I have to stay at home for at least the next 3 months (isolation I can do) with the government paying 80% wages should my sick pay run out. I think the measures they have in place now need to be stuck to by all, we’re in this for the long haul.

i am lucky to have been born into the country I have. Because elsewhere all I envision is millions dying, I’m lucky to have the nhs and a country where the people running it aren’t more interested in their own businesses than the health and welfare of the people.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Glad I’m not alone in my thinking, sometimes the brain can be a messed up place to reside! @Warrior Chicken i took your advice and text a friend, left the house and went to watch a film. Must say it was nice to get out, felt like I’d done a lot more than I’d actually had! Anyway nice to have a reminder to actually live.

Everything feels like a rollercoaster at the moment. Not sure what’s unsettled my routine so much. I have a few ideas, but gunna have to let this just ride out I suppose. I hate having emotions at times, it reminds me that I am actually a human and not someone who can just ‘get on with it’. My brains way of saying ‘oy you will listen to me and pay attention to what’s happened’. Otherwise I would be walking around in a state of oblivious fake happiness I suppose. I need to face the past, but at what point do I need to draw a line under it and move on. Perhaps when I can get past the point of avoiding people for months at a time.

So Dear Brain, if you can me a wee heads up of what be bothering you and I can get to work on it. Or don’t and I will eventually work it out I guess. Things are gunna have to change, canny be letting people down as much as I have been, you’ll get me fired. Also friendless, which would be a sucker for you as I know you’d be bored within a couple of months. So I am implementing behavioural activation mode (which I know you hate) and starting from morning we will be starting routine again, until you can bothered to do it yourself, on your own, without making it feel like brushing my teeth is the biggest task in the whole wide world. on the plus side we will also do fun things, like eat pizza and watch films, not all is bad under the new regime.

Oh and you will be seeing real life people at least once a week, even if that is in a shop.

If I talked to my head like you talk to yours....comando style....I'd have a revolt. LOL...but that's my brain. My brain usually responds to positive deal-making behavioral interventions, like you've stated-but you might try changing the language and being gentler with the resistant parts of you. Rather than making behavioral interventions sound like a negative...might consider being a tad more positive about the approach and make deals or self-talk-up the rewards......if you help me do x..then we can do y....like you are talking to a kid. When you are successful....aloud...say "Good job!" I do this and it's kind of a habit now. Nobody else says I do a good job but me....and I'm okay with that. On the other hand, if someone told me I was going to have to do something that they said, "

"I am implementing behavioural activation mode (which I know you hate) and starting from morning we will be starting routine again, until you can bothered to do it yourself, on your own, without making it feel like brushing my teeth is the biggest task in the whole wide world. While that happened a while ago.....it's the style...try being gentler on yourself.

While control is important to function....getting your brain to communicate it's issues and cooperate....a much better goal....because with cooperation life gets easier, memory gets better, things go easier, and you become more functional....and less blaming your brain.

I had teeth brushing and cat pan changing issues (poor cats) for quite a while. I started a new routine....no TV allowed until cat pan was scooped (a 2 min. job) and teeth were brushed (2 min job). I made it a big deal to tell the cats....I did it! Your pan is clean! -and also to tell myself....good job...teeth clean. I say these positive messages even today.

On a different note, a couple of years ago, I was in the dumpster emotionally. I'd make drawings and they all had to do with my head, and how I hated it. Somewhere between the required head meds, the TBI, the CPTSD, thyroid, and multiple traumas....I grew to hate my head. When I stopped doing that....things started to improve. When I was kinder to myself in my self talk....things improved....when I made deals with myself to take risks....and the risk-taking turned out at the minimum okay....feeling safe.....I made a big deal about it! And told myself, Good job. So every time you brush your teeth....tell your brain OUTLOUD....good job! It is a big deal....teeth brushing can be super hard for people with certain kinds of trauma......and it will get easier if you are more positive...and consistent with your self-praise.?

And right now....travel is what my brain likes....not staying home. Routine and travel....gone by the wayside. But I keep cleaning the cat pan...and brushing my teeth....and then I can watch TV. Keep whatever routines you have....and can you can go...in your car isolated...by yourself...turn up radio....keep tank full (use wipes on gas pump and credit card). I'm doing window photography.

Good luck there.....being isolated....so very challenging.