Thoughts of deserving nothing good

[Friday]

Seriously. There are always 12,000 reasons why we can’t, and why we haven’t, and what makes it hard. We know those reasons inside and out. Because we live them, day in and out.

They do one thing very well... stop us.

So I add them to the list of shit I’m working on.

The upside? It’s not a small list. So I have a LOT of stuff -12,000!!! Not a small number! :D - I can choose to work on, at any given moment. Whether it’s what is pissing me off the most, or what is easiest, or what’s nearest. But there’s always something. And everything chips away, eventually. So even if I’m just chipping away at it? It’s doing something. Whether it’s my number 1 mission from gawd, or 80 items down the list of shit I care about, it’s working towards what I want.

It’s not like just wanting something makes it happen, or not wanting something makes it stop.

So, if I’m going to be stuck thinking about this bullshit? I figure I might as well turn the box upside down, shake it, and think about these things in ways that can help me.

 

[Teasel]

I was thinking recently how I'm very successfully kept stuck by the things I believe, how I've become used to spending all my time dissociating, how they mean it would hardly even occur to me to take myself out for a nice lunch and visit an art gallery. Or how my beliefs keep me terrified of good things.

Like, in a moment free of those fears I could clearly see there were only a few very achievable steps to take to give myself a nice day out. Or to buy the car I've been meaning to get or whatever else I might want to do.

And yet I've been becoming more and more crippled by negative beliefs habits and fears.

For quite a few years now I've been repeatedly putting some effort into building some routine and good self care habits and so on, and it helps such a lot. But every time I do well for a while I get scared and mess things up. I've been stuck yo yo-ing this way for years and now am thoroughly tired it.

I really don't know why I've not been able to see before now that I should probably look at what I'm doing and try a different approach or something? I mean it really does feel true that I can't succeed, that it will be terrifying?

I guess I have been repeatedly making very small progress each time I try again to build good habits & self care & explore what helps me feel better.

I just dont know how to stop myself becoming frightened and self sabotaging?

 

[Strangelongtrip]

This may be an unpopular opinion, and I hope it isn't counterproductive, but for me it's helped tremendously. I've been told this falls under nihilism. I've taken the meaning out of the events, good and bad, and there just is and isn't. You can create your own meaning. My therapist always said I'm walking in the waves and he's walking on the shore. I end up stronger. I decided all of these events are just here to make me stronger. I found my own meaning in each one. The idea that bad people get what they deserve is so ingrained in us but it's a complete farce, I think it contributes to it. Like, I'm not a bad person objectively, I've done a lot of good things for people and my community, but bad things keep happening. If I ascribe to the meaning that bad things are happening because I am bad, I am 100x more miserable than just saying sh*t happens. Not to say I'm not striving to be better, or do better, or have things I want, but it takes the pain away. I don't know if that helps.

 

[Teamwork]

Because I do the same, walk around somewhere far from present, dissociative, not living, when I have a time of living I notice, remark to it, now that, that was living. Im doing this because its not as familiar as dissociating and its helpful to get a sense of living. I hate the look around name five things because although it's supposed to say where you are it just seems distant and foggy and not a part of my reality.