Thrown By Realising My Timeline Is Wrong...

[barefoot]

Thanks for sharing @jaccat.
Yes...I get what you're saying about the impact of those events not changing, even if you'd remembered something incorrectly...

 

[joeylittle]

I thought I knew my timeline, and in my mind I had the 'how long it really was' and the 'how long I'm going to pretend it was' (which was shorter, naturally - it was where I wanted to just chop off the narrative).

When I started talking about it, I eventually remembered something that filled in a missing piece, and revealed that it went on longer than I had thought.

Now, I'm not 100% sure how many days it was - but I'm 95% sure. What's really disorienting is that I thought I knew, really knew, for over 20 years that it was a friday, saturday, sunday, and I wanted to cross out saturday and sunday. Actually, it went to wednesday/thursday. It did make it bigger, worse in my mind - just like this:

because 17 seems more adult and being an adult when something happens seems "less bad" than experiencing it as a 13 year-old? I suspect that's what my therapist will think too. That I've colluded with myself to create a narrative that supports my assertion that "it's not a big deal".

I spent an hour in therapy today trying to argue that it wasn't a big deal. :banghead: I really understand where you're coming from.

 

[ghotiff]

My brain has done this too. I still remember the moment I "realized" that the abuse happened for many more years than I had previously allowed myself to believe.

My story: my parents knew when I was 10 (diary record - so dated and factual) I thought it stopped then. One day I re-remembered what I was wearing and it was a school uniform I didn't have until I was 12. My second abuser (gymnastics teacher) I had from 6 to 15....I don't know when he started or stopped...but I had to accept it continued after my parents knew and that it lasted at least 2 years.

I'm still trapped in minimization and denial....but this fact realisation absolutely shook me to the core at the time, now (about a year later) it just makes me sad.

I don't know if sharing was helpful. I don't know what to say other than, I understand. I think our brain protects us from what we aren't ready to face, but the impact stays the same.

 

[barefoot]

Yes, what you shared is helpful @ghotiff - thank you. I'm sorry you had the experience you had. I can understand how shaken you felt. And now, the sadness.

 

[barefoot]

It did make it bigger, worse in my mind

Yeah, I suppose this is where I'm at, though I'm trying to stay with intellectualising for now (sticking with the facts of the timeline) instead of delving deep into how I feel about it. Don't really want to go to the deep emotional stuff on my own - will talk it through with my therapist on Monday.

But I think the element of it feeling a bit worse because I was only 13... It feels like, if I think about the things I always say to my therapist to "prove" that what happened wasn't that bad, with this new realisation, I can't say some of those things anymore. Or, at least, they seem less valid/I seem way more harsh if I apply those same arguments to someone who experienced it just into her teens as opposed to someone who was nearly an adult.

And, that's obviously not to say that something happening when you're 17 or an adult can't be "bad enough" - of course it can. So that in itself now makes me think that all the stuff I used to say around the point of my age was all bullshit anyway!

l suppose what's really shaking me is that this new fact looks like it's taking me down a path of it being somehow "worse" than I thought. The foundations of my minimisation/denial suddenly feel like they're on very shaky ground. And that's probably great progress, therapeutically! But it feels frightening. Because if I get to the point of accepting/admitting that it was bad....? Then what?? I don't know what to do with that...

 

[ghotiff]

The foundations of my minimisation/denial suddenly feel like they're on very shaky ground. And that's probably great progress, therapeutically!

It is great progress. As to what to do next. In my humble opinion, first you take care of yourself as you digest this new information. Now is the time to use all your self soothing strategies to help you move through acceptance of this new information.

 

[barefoot]

Now is the time to use all your self soothing strategies to help you move through acceptance of this new information.

Hmm...yes...I don't think I'm very good at self-soothing...!

The last couple of days I think I've been in a bit of shock/disbelief about the new info...a bit foggy/numb about it while it sinks in...
Today I feel more anxious/panicky about it. It's not really bad. It's not shooting off the scale. I'm not having a meltdown. But I can feel it starting to bubble up. Rising panic. Ugh!

 

[barefoot]

Saw my therapist yesterday and told her about this realisation.

She was very compassionate, very supportive...we went quite slowly, talking it through.

She said that things made more sense and that she's always had a strong feeling that something had happened when I was younger, so this made a few things fall into place. And she said it's very common that people create a narrative for themselves that gives them the most protection and best helps them to manage what's happened. So I did that because believing I was 17 lessened the impact.

She talked a bit about the inner child and that, now we had 'seen' her, we can work with her and help her. I don't really know what she meant - in terms of I don't know if she means that we will work differently now. I don't want to 'engage' with my 13 year old self.

I feel sad today, I think.

 

[ghotiff]

I don't want to 'engage' with my 13 year old self.

I'm not encouraging you to "do" anything, as this is a time to be really slow and gentle. But, I wanted to write that I have also felt this and what help shift it was discovering "why" I didn't want to engage. For me it was because I was embarrassed or ashamed or something similar because I didn't do "enough" to protect myself.

 

[watundah]

If I can share from my recent experiences, I, too, was extremely hesitant. Part of me didn't understand, part of me was scared and part of me thought it was psychobabble. I was afraid to touch into the pain of the original trauma. However, I must say that actually reading the words from the memory banks, my young self opened the door in communicating things that I've forgotten and the feelings from way back then. It helped considerably to talk this through with my therapist, in how to meet the needs of this young self by offering compassion, support, and so on. At the end of my session I felt overwhelming sadness. I realize that this was me grieving the loss of innocence and for the sadness, fear and loneliness that my younger self experienced. I am beginning to understand what the folks here mean about how it helped them to heal. I hope this helps.

 

[barefoot]

what help shift it was discovering "why" I didn't want to engage.

Yes, I guess this is an important question...

I think it's probably along these lines:

Part of me didn't understand, part of me was scared and part of me thought it was psychobabble.

I feel self-conscious about it and I don't really get it and it sounds silly... But I think there's also a lot of fear. Fear of what, I don't know...?

Actually, I think some of the fear is around the fact that some of the reasons I always gave for why what happened wasn't a big deal/wasn't bad enough feel like they've fallen away...so it feels like I've lost some ground with "my truth" (my "evidence" that it really wasn't that bad) and that feels scary.

 

[barefoot]

@watundah - sounds like you're doing courageous work and that you're getting a lot out of it. I really hope this continues to help you make progress with your healing.

I've been feeling a bit sad and lost. Perhaps that's what my fear is...fear of feeling more of those things.