Time loops and barricades

[crackinthequandary]

These self mutilation urges especially center around stabbing myself to cutting body parts off. The only one of their threats they didn't carry out. The exhaustion of fighting these urges has bought back very lucid soul destroying nightmares about the video. Them masked waterbourding, gang and object raping me. I don't remember them shooting a video but old gang friends who I have long cut out my life were sent copy's. Gang wars can get very messed-up. I never hurt anyone. I am not a violent person. Now I dream the same dream every night and if I wake and go back to sleep I fall straight back into the dream.my husband receives a copy of the video. The prospect I am sickening. I was twenty when this happened to me and I continued to receive death threats until I was almost twenty four. Despite living constantly moving looking over my shoulder etc. The self harming predate these attacks though. I started self harming age seven. Then stopped age fourteen. I was selectively mute alsoo for that same time period. Everything is gushing out I need to breath.

so, are you saying, you had early trauma, and then the gang trauma came around the twenties? OK, when you have self mutilation; do you feel that regulates anger in any way? and if so, how is that?

 

[crackinthequandary]

also, Finchelet, I am curious about "the mirror being the universe". It may be that this is a safe place for a dissociative part to be out? I get that the cutting is a way to "cut off the emotionally repressed part of you". It's a symbolic act though. It's a shame part of you cutting of the part that was hurt, or "stabbing the part that is loathed. Does your therapist understand that you dissociate? Another interesting thing that you talked about, "making the comic books". In a way this is an interesting containment of the dissociation. Look for the movie, "Crumb" goole it, and see if you can find it on YouTube or netflix or pay per view? Anyway was a psychedelic artist from the 60's movement; and if he didn't draw, he would get very depressed; almost like his Id part of his personality was coming out in the art? His father was physically and emotionally abusive.
Again, if you started cutting earlier than the group assault, obviously the later trauma only increased the triggering of the earlier maybe. It's that part of you that might be cutting now? It is treatable. Do you understand "mindfulness"?