Time loops and barricades

[Finchlet2]

I am recognising the reoccurrence of some old symptoms as I start to emotionally and physically lock myself away. Urges to slice my breasts. Getting lost in the broken bathroom mirror pressing the cold blade to my skin all morning but I haven't cut. Scattered unfocused thought. Losing ability to trust. I am not an object. Massively angry but equally empathetic. I am stronger than this he's right. Such a stupid fight and only a few bruises. Two days gone by trapped in more and more thought loops. Feels like orbiting a black hole. Time has slowed down but I've not vanished. Not this time. Please not this time. I can beat this. I can find my way back before anyone notices I'm gone.

 

[blackemerald1]

I am recognising the reoccurrence of some old symptoms as I start to emotionally and physically lock myself away.

Time to call the therapist or a good friend or family member until you can get assistance @Finchlet2

 

[Ronin]

Would it help you to try and not enable yourself? Move away what you used to cut by, be very purposeful about how long you spend in which rooms (bathroom is for hygiene time and clean ups and that is about it), avoiding the mirror(s), avoiding what makes the thought loops worse, asking someone else about them? (As in can you tell me if this / that is current or accurate?)

Not vanishing and reaching out is awesome, thank you for doing that. :)

 

[Finchlet2]

I don't have friends I can be weak around. Family makes it worse. Talking to them when I feel vulnerable always is the final nail in the coffin. Therapy group starts again on Monday.
I do need to restrict my bathroom and mirror time but I just got stuck there again. What's more I'mm now feeling uncomfortable being out of the bathroom and away from the broken mirror. It's like I've created my own universe of thought orbits in there and no one can invade my personal space uninvited. No one can touch me therefor no one can hurt me. I feel very unsettled. Thank you both for the very intuitive advice.

Except me. If I hurt myself it's my choice my actions. My way of taking the power back.

 

[Ronin]

If I hurt myself it's my choice my actions.

On whose messages, though? Of people that hurt you. That did not mean you well. That did not want you to be well.

My way of taking the power back.

While also hurting you and impeding your ability to use any of that power, because you will need to heal off first, if it even can be healed off. Rather short of power, there are more stable ways to get it, that last.

 

[Freida]

I can beat this.

Yes you can. You've identified what is causing it. You've identified the danger area and the triggers. You know you are struggling.
Those are huge steps forward!!! Not that you are feeling bad - but that you know so much about the process. That means you know how to fight it!

Can you call a crisis line or emergency line with your T's office? Maybe they can give you some specific techniques for how to get through this?

You can make it past this. Harming yourself belongs to them - not you.

 

[Finchlet2]

These self mutilation urges especially center around stabbing myself to cutting body parts off. The only one of their threats they didn't carry out. The exhaustion of fighting these urges has bought back very lucid soul destroying nightmares about the video. Them masked waterbourding, gang and object raping me. I don't remember them shooting a video but old gang friends who I have long cut out my life were sent copy's. Gang wars can get very messed-up. I never hurt anyone. I am not a violent person. Now I dream the same dream every night and if I wake and go back to sleep I fall straight back into the dream.my husband receives a copy of the video. The prospect I am sickening. I was twenty when this happened to me and I continued to receive death threats until I was almost twenty four. Despite living constantly moving looking over my shoulder etc. The self harming predate these attacks though. I started self harming age seven. Then stopped age fourteen. I was selectively mute alsoo for that same time period. Everything is gushing out I need to breath.

 

[Freida]

oh I am so sorry---- that is so horrible. I don't even have words ......

 

[Ronin]

Your husband is your husband, and in your life, for a reason. I doubt he would find you sickening, if he is a man worth that word he would stand by you and support you.

You are not sickening, was not then, are not now, will not be. What these scum did to you was sickening.

 

[Finchlet2]

I have to take some responsibility for the people I was involved with. We had pissed them off. This was there revenge attack. They were one of my best friends pimps. I helped her move away from that situation. I still feel ashamed and exposed. My husband is a wonderful man but his fuse in terms of waiting for me to get over shit has long run out. We have been together for three years. I'm trying to ground myself writing comic books for my son but feel kind of alone in this right now. I have group therapy tonight. It normally helps.

 

[mumstheword]

You did nothing wrong! How can.you be responsible for their evil?
You were hurt so badly! No, you are not responsibly for the way these people treated you. You did a good thing and were punished for it by bad people.
You are only responsible for your actions. If you hurt yourself you are giving power to them that wish hurt on you, but I get it, the urge to reenact is strong.
How else could you play this out that includes compassion, kindness and self care?
What would be the alternative route you can take?
How, do you think the people that care about you would like it to go?
I'm talking damage control and a level that's going to give you control.
You have internalized some deep seated stuff that isn't yours, isn't yours to own because you are a kind, empathetic, creative, honourable courageous and amazing human who has been deeply wounded and now, all that kindness and strength of character is needed to fight this good fight for your soul, for healing and for yourself.
Draw on us and getting this out in the most gentle and self caring way you can. Please realize that you are so, so valuable, loved, needed and cherished.
Please, for all that that love you, be kind to @Finchlet2

 

[Finchlet2]

I'm not used to such gentle words. Tears instantly started flooding down my face and still are. Thank you for your kind words, thank you so much.