Time to get serious about my recovery!

[ms spock]

I am still working on this - but not so well this last week.

 

[Bliss]

Just read through most of your thread, thank u so much! I do much better with routines, once I get them going I stick with them. I wrote a very similar plan for myself when I started on the site a couple of weeks ago, it sounds like alot but when the momentum gets going they kind of all interrelate. When my eating is stabilized it affects the thinking ect.

Anyway I have had a very very hard week and was about ready to give up on my plan, now I am not, thank u soooo much.

I have done dbt about 5 of the last 10 years and recommitted a month ago, I gain momentum when I do it. Wishing u good fortune on your journey, :)

 

[Freedomfighter]

It is time to really get serious with my recovery! I want to up all the skills that I have been working...

You rock, that is the way to go.... You keep on focusing on yourself, ignore the loosers around you, not us, hehe.

You understand what it takes and I am doing the exact same thing.

I make a conscious effort every day to better myself, approach an exhilarating brand new career in which I hopefully will be able to help victims as well.

Exciting for sure and I am soooooo psyched about it.

 

[MoMc99]

Think when we wake up to our reality, we all of the sudden see all the things we have been delaying, get...

Yes. This. Everything had been out of balance for a long time. One day you just wake up and see it all and it becomes overwhelmingly soul crushing. And too intense to process.

 

[aut555]

Yes. This. Everything had been out of balance for a long time. One day you just wake up and see it all a...

Hopefully you can make peace with this new reality and with that comes freedom to pick and choose what you wish to do without foggy thought process trying to inundate your perception. Much compassion to you.

 

[ms spock]

I am working hard on containment at this time. There are things that need to be done before I take the next step. It is hard. I feel unhappy about things.

 

[aut555]

I am working hard on containment at this time. There are things that need to be done before I take the...

Just identify and claim those thoughts holding on to your emotions right now. Then think about possible favorable outcomes as a result of accomplished task to feel like a warrior Queen that you truly are with a possible bribery award for moving past certain thoughts.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Yes. This. Everything had been out of balance for a long time. One day you just wake up and see it all a...

Yeah, that delay, the one that keeps us from experiencing real progress, so familiar to PTSD sufferers, yet so frustrating to go through that tunnel.

But it is wonderful when the patient can experience growth and understanding and that is something that I am allowed to experience and I am flabbergasted at the process. So many emotions at the same time: elation, frustration, skittish, stressed, but at the same time gaining on the condition, getting better. All of this is so tough to put in words. I have experienced so much within the last couple of weeks I am gasping for air, good things and bad things, it seems to be whirled together until we can process it one by one.

I know that a lot of healing has taken place and I am so looking forward to the future, to a much better future, with better career choices, with better people, especially now that I have learned what good people behave like and how they differ from bad people. It is a huge learning experience.

 

[ms spock]

I have been struggling a lot. I am not really doing my Mindfulness at the moment, and I have been so disciplined about that for quite a long time. A few things threw me, and my feelings were very hurt, but I worked it out for myself. My partner actually kind of a told the true about a lie tonight and I didn't say anything. I didn't judge or get angry. I just nodded. So that was an improvement.

I really need to do the CBT And DBT - and really work on it. I feel tired as I have worked so hard this year.

I was in Melbourne for a few days, then Sydney, then back home and then back to Sydney again. I had to have dental work done and it really knocked me about.

I am improving a lot. I am really noticing how bad my ruminations are and I am working on not getting so involved with them or taking them so seriously. This is me having worked so, so, so hard but I probably need to do that amount of work again. But that is okay. I am a hard worker. I can do it.

I am striking out to make contacts around activities like meditation, saving the planet, having fun and being social. So that is anxiety producing but worth it.

I saw my sister and brother, which is at once great and fantastic, and very, very, very tough going - but how can it be anything but with so much horrendous abuse that all of us have lived through. I dreamt of my other siblings being grotesquely deformed from the abuse.

So things are improving, but it is really hard work at times. I am tired.

 

[ms spock]

Well things certainly fell apart for their a bit. I did well socially for Xmas and managed difficult and not so difficult situations. But I went into trigger land - thought I had beaten the anniversary stuff and that was unrealistic - and in myself I really lost my shit. So that has not been good. Having the trigger foods in the house is a no go for me. I asked my sister not to bring them and I am going to have to be candid about how this stuff is actually life threatening for me.

I have been challenging my distorted cognitions pretty well with a lot of stuff. I stopped some of my obsessing but not in other areas I did some seriouis ruminations.

In one arena I did think thing through rather well and resolved a difficult situation - that was impressive really.

Not doing well overall but I mostly look okay on the outside.

My dissociation was profound to the point I wasn't aware of bodily functions - that happens for me a bit - but not this bad for a few months - well I get here a few times per month but not as prolonged I think these days. It was embarrassing - but only I knew about it.

Some of what has been happening in terms of symptoms has been pretty serious. But I don't write about it on the forum because if someone minimised it or brushed it off I just couldn't cope with it.

I read a book on reactive attachment disorder last night it was confronting. A Safe Place for Caleb An Interactive Book for Kids, Teens and Adults with Issues of Attachment, Grief, Loss or Early Trauma by Kathleen A. Chara and Paul J. Chara, Jr., illustrated by J.M. Berns

I did half an hour of Mindfulness this morning. I walked for a couple of hours today and 20 minutes yesterday so I am back into things a bit more.

I have to learn how to say no! I have to learn how to say no! No one will kill me if I say no.

So much intrusive memories from the past I have mostly been there a lot of the time. I need to do the emotional flashback management techniques once again.

The Self Compassion and Radical Acceptance had made such a huge difference and I didn't realise it, after I was mocked about the self compassion I withdrew a bit - it was very hurtful.

Anyway a heck of a lot went down and I did brilliantly in my 7 week prac so that was all good. I did very well this year in a whole lot of arenas that I hadn't engaged in due to living a bit like a recluse. So that is all really good. I improved out of sight.

So the books I will focus on to further my recovery
Feeling Good by David Burns
Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation: Skills Training for Patients and Therapists (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology) 1st Edition by Suzette Boon Kathy Steele Onno van der HartDead Link Removed
Overcoming Worry and Generalised Anxiety Disorder A self-help guide using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques by Kevin Meares and Mark Freeston.
The Procrastination Equation: How to Stop Putting Things Off and Start Getting Stuff Done by Dr. Piers Steel, 2010 (told my psychiatrist I was reading this during my assessment time to work things out and she laughed!)
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
the dbtselfhelp website
Marsha Linehan's book
and a couple of others - will post later on.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Kudos, Ms Spock, on your hard work. Even when you struggle you post your challenges and accomplishments. You inspire me, not because you have everything pulled together, but because you are honest in your threads, you work hard, and you have had a lot to overcome.

Thanks for the reading list, too!

 

[ms spock]

I don't certainly feel like I pulled together @Lola Nocheprieta - but I have recently done really well in discussing things with my partner.

First I realised that to be happy and okay within myself I have to do the work within myself. I read a book on Complex Trauma

Second I tackled the safety thing that he needs to stop living like a bachelor - and me finding out that men that unknown to me now have access to the workshop down the back - as they are walking across the lawn - well that is not okay and did trigger me. B knows he made a mistake and he did apologise. So we did discuss that and it was a solid conversation.

Third I brought up about the lying about money the last couple of years. He did almost start crying. He did deny it. But he also admitted to a certain extent how much he spent. I did it in a non punitive and non shaming way. I was really good in how I managed things. I didn't go for him. I didn't give ultimatums. I said it hurt my freelings. That at times I didn't feel important. That at times I felt angry. And I did comfort him a bit. Once again he said he had make a big mistake and he wouldn't have done it like this. He went to spiral downwards and I said you are alive, I am alive Papa Bear is alive, the puss is alive, and the blue dog is alive - so really it is not so bad. He said it is but he settled a bit. I was kind and compassionate. I also didn't make it a life and death thing. I did really well in discussing this. When he initially lied or was economical with the truth I walked away but came back and challenged it until we had a real conversation. I worked this all out on my own and I did a really good job with it. I said unless we are going to be honest with each other we will affect our relationship. So once again I did it really well. I also talked a little bit about the future.

Fourth I acknowledged he really had been working hard lately to contribute to our relationship and that he was making changes.

I did really well last night and I really thought it through and I did it myself. It worked out well.