Time To Move Out & On?

[Blue Survivor]

Background - I spent 10 years with my abuser before finally leaving him. For the past 4 years I have been with a 'new' man. For the past 2 years we have lived together and this past year we got engaged.

Except now I want to leave him.

My ptsd has always been an issue between us - he doesn't "believe" that it is a real thing, and he refuses to acknowledge & understand when I could use some support. Even if I use words (which I have written down for him in the past!) such as 'anxiety' or 'nervous' it is always the same thing: an eye roll and him comparing my 'supposed' condition against a soldier's or a rape victim's...as if to say, as he often does: "Get over it! It could be worse! Just stop thinking about it, just move on...." Oh sure, why didn't I think of that?

We run a business together, and he talks about it non-stop. That's on top of us both working out own jobs too. And while we work different jobs, we work the same days AND hours. So we're either both at work, or we are both at home. Usually doing business stuff at home. But he has no interest in date night. Ever. The only places we go are places for either home (groceries, etc) or business supplies. No dinners, movies, walks, nothing. I told him how I felt about it awhile back.

Then just this weekend we finally had the opportunity to go out with three other couples. And he tells me that he would go IF no one else was available and IF it came down to me being the oddball among these other couples. That he's go only if he HAD to. And then he spent the day goofing off (video games), and then right before a nap he complained about not being able to sleep longer because he HAD to go out with me. Sorry it's such a chore for you to spend time with me that isn't errand or business related. Jerk. We never ended up going anywhere.

Then the rest of the weekend I was easily irritated by the usual 'man' stuff. Like how he leaves crumbs all over, or doesn't close the shower curtain when he's done, or how he dumps coffee grounds behind the garbage under the sink instead of inside of it...stuff like that. It made me miss having my own place - where I cleaned things, and they stayed that way. Then I compared him to my abuser, and think 'he is an angel next to my ex' but really - I don't think I want to live with him anymore. It may be a combination of his lack of cleanliness and order plus the fact that he does not "believe" that ptsd is real and he makes no effort to learn about it or support me.

Am I going crazy here? Has anyone else wanted to up & leave someone because you feel that the support just isn't there, and maybe never will be there? I really don't want to leave him; but I don't know what else to do.

 

[anthony]

I'm sorry to hear about his ignorance. Relationships are a two way street at the best of times, let alone when one person is struggling with an illness within it all. From reading, you have tried the recovery steps, he has obviously become complacent in the relationship as though you will just be there for him, regardless of what he does. Maybe you need to leave and see if he really does want you, or not... that's a tough thing to do, obviously, as you have to follow through with it. Maybe he might man up and start being part of the relationship.

Us blokes aren't exactly good at this relationship stuff... we take work and years to really get the hang of it. We often need scares and kicks in the arse to motivate us for the relationship. But when a guy loves a woman... he will climb mountains for her, which means pulling his socks up and stepping up to meet her demands as well as his own.

Good luck with him...

 

[Jane.l]

If you compare him to an actively abusive person of course he is going to come up smelling of roses but in some ways his minimising your problems and lack of understanding/support are quite abusive too - to a different degree of course. Only you can decide what's best for you but sometimes it's an interesting exercise to think about your core values what really really matters to you and compare them to his - if they are wildly off balance you may see why it's unlikely to be a great match.

 

[nursenurse]

He has checked out already. If he refuses to acknowledge you and your problems, then it is time for a relationship check list: reasons to stay, reasons to leave. Marital counselling. If he doesn't fear losing you, and refuses to go, that may be because he has already left the building. Go yourself anyway, sort out what you want, and make your move. Life is too short to be unhappy either way.

 

[BlueOrange]

In the end, if there are no kids involved, there's no reason to stay if you don't want to. People don't have to be horrible for them to be worth leaving.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I say kick his ass to the curb!

I'm not a particularly picky person, but unfortunately even my basic requirements keep me on the hunt for just the right guy. One of these requirements is that someone support me and my efforts to heal from PTSD. Like it or not, this is a lifetime struggle (hopefully with periods of remission) and if someone can't support me, then out the door they go.

If you had cancer and your partner didn't support you in the least, EVERYONE would be wondering why you kept him around. I think the same goes for a disorder such as PTSD.

You deserve better.

And yes, I'd like to punch him in the nuts myself for being an ass. Telling you that your trauma isn't as bad as a rape survivors or veterans? He's a loser, so I suggest losing him.

 

[Seagreen]

You deserve better.

 

[Em C.]

Personally, I think for people like us with PTSD, being in a relationship with someone who does not believe you and belittles it could be the most detrimental thing to you. We second guess ourselves enough that we don't need other people doing it too. *hugs*

 

[Blue Survivor]

Thanks for your understanding & advice, everyone! It's so great knowing that other people out there understand what I'm going through and can offer some insight on the behaviors of others. So thank you :)

The past day or so he suddenly has begun to care about me & about our shared responsibilities, but who knows how long that will last. This is the norm for him - he feels as if he is 'in trouble' so he steps it up around the house for a few days, and then he stops until the next time. And he also suggested that we take a day trip tomorrow, which I'd normally be so happy to do but unfortunately I feel like he's only initiating a date because of the 'I am in trouble' thing. I don't feel it is a genuine thing.

I think that counseling for us could be helpful; maybe a professional telling him that this is real and it does affect people in many different ways...maybe that will change his mind. I was going to counseling on my own for awhile because of family-related stress (my brother & his kids moved in for six months!) but I stopped going once he moved out because I was feeling less stressed in general. Sort of regretting that now.

How is this for some Jerry Springer show - my abuser was my ex husband. One month after leaving him and having my own place, you will never guess who moved in with my ex husband...wait for it....my brother's wife! Yep! She emptied out the house while my brother was at work, left the kids alone all day, and moved in with my ex husband. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. I confided in her. While I have no idea why someone would knowingly move herself (and later my niece and nephew) into such a dangerous situation, it certainly makes recovering harder. Especially when my brother had his kids on the weekends when he was living with us. The kids would tell me all about my ex's tantrums and attitude....definitely made it harder to 'close the book' on that part of my life when every weekend my niece & nephew kept bringing up their former-uncle-turned-mom's-boyfriend!

 

[anthony]

This is the norm for him - he feels as if he is 'in trouble' so he steps it up around the house for a few days, and then he stops until the next time.

That is normal... been there, done that, myself.

And he also suggested that we take a day trip tomorrow, which I'd normally be so happy to do but unfortunately I feel like he's only initiating a date because of the 'I am in trouble' thing. I don't feel it is a genuine thing.

Be careful that you aren't now perpetuating the problem... he's trying to give you something, yet you're entering with doubt. Sure... that is one way you can look at it. Or... another is that you can participate to the maximum and use that positive experience to then help him out of his funk, and remind him that you need things too. Again, a relationship is a two way street.

Yes, this does not negate his behaviour, no doubt about it... but you should use positive times to help him through the negative times, and remind him that the positive times make him feel better, you feel better, and thus together as a relationship are better.

Couples counselling is an excellent idea IMHO... and is a tell to whether he is serious about the relationship or not. Saying that... he should be in his own therapy for his PTSD, otherwise couples counselling may really be short lived and a waste of time overall, because it will not override PTSD aspects.

 

[Blue Survivor]

@anthony you are right ! I did not even consider that I should accept the day trip, and with enthusiasm. Maybe that positive reinforcement will help him. I admit that I'm still really bummed about our last argument, and I feel that much of any enthusiasm that I could muster up would be false. But it is worth a shot...fake it till you make it, I guess?

Do they even have therapy for supporters of those with ptsd? I did not even know that was an option.

 

[anthony]

Yes, you can get your own therapy, absolutely. Spouses of veterans are given free counselling here in Australia... not sure about the US, though I would expect there is something available through the VA for spouses. Finding it would be the trick.