Tired Of Feeling Like A Freak

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

First I will say that I know that I should not call myself a freak. I am tired of arriving to this place where everything seems too overwhelming to manage. I know that the answer lies within me. That I have to do more to help myself through this and not wallow. But I am not able to do that for myself right now. I have no strength left in me because I am too busy trying to be "normal".

Every day I look around me at my co-workers and I wonder how they are doing it. I wonder how they can check their emotions at the door and just go about their day. School should not be continuing as normal with the loss of a teacher. And I know it will continue as normal. And I know my reactions are not the average person's reactions. And that makes me feel like a freak. I can't even go to the pool with my students and be normal. I can't ride the bus with my students. I almost left school because the bus ride got me so triggered and I don't even understand why. And no one else seems bothered by it.

I have been trying to work more on getting to know my dissociative parts lately, but I don't feel like I can do that with so much going on in day to day life. And I feel like I need to do that work. That it is important. That I am letting down my parts and myself by continuing to push it off.

I keep having flashbacks and so do my parts. I don't know how to stop them. I mean I know what I should do, but it seems even when I try I fail so then I get frustrated and don't try.

So basically I am tired of always going through this struggle and I feel like a huge failure because I know I should be more positive and I can't seem to be. And I feel like I am a freak because those around me do not understand me. I just want to drop out of the world for a little while and hope that when I reemerge things will be better.

 

[passerine]

I can relate to feeling like a "freak", but encourage you to reframe that message you are telling yourself into something more compassionate (I need to do this, too), like remembering that not everybody has had the same types of experiences you have and it's perfectly acceptable to feel the way you do given your circumstances.

Feeling like a failure because of something you can't control is the worst. It just adds to the shame. I know that you're not a failure - quite the opposite, in fact. It is hard to do what you do day in and day out (go to work to teach, etc.) while battling a serious mental illness. That takes resilience and courage.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks, @passerine .

 

[BlueOrange]

I've been thinking about exhaustion at the moment. I've tended to spend a lot of time thinking about whether I 'should be' tired. I'm starting to think that the more important question is whether I 'am' tired.

You seem exhausted to me. Can you make arrangements to get some rest?

 

[RussH]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve Hi sister freak.
You asked how your coworkers can go on like normal, and how can it be normal when a fellow teacher has died?
They are not really going on like normal, they have simply begun living a new normal.
J it is understandable that you have not yet come to the place where you accept a new normal, you haven't been able to fully accept the changes in your life since your accident yet, so give yourself time.

Maybe it is time to stop trying so hard to be normal, and just allow yourself to be you.
Who are you trying to be normal for? Other people that are not really normal either? We all have our facades. We all put on that person that we think everyone else wants, instead of being who we are. And J it is just not worth it.

My dear friend, the person I know on this forum, with all your difficulties, your struggles and all you blemishes, is a beautifully normal person dealing with abnormal circumstances.
Yes, I know you have DID, and when you look in the mirror all you can see is freak, but it just isn't true. Broken? yes Hurting? yes.
But, you are very a very caring, compassionate, beautiful soul that will overcome these difficult moments, and be so much stronger than those the world considers "normal".

J, I am one that personally believes that the hardship I endure today trains me to help others in similar situations tomorrow. I think that is true for you as well.

I hope this makes sense to you.

 

[RussH]

Hi J,
and adendum if you will.
Lets you and I make a decision. Let us decide that we are strong enough that we can get up one more than than ptsd can knock us down.
And if by chance I get knocked down and I am struggling to get up, then you will help me up, and I will do the same for you. So tegether we will not let ptsd beat us.
Even if you don't think you can keep up your end of the deal, I will keep mine, ok?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

You seem exhausted to me. Can you make arrangements to get some rest?

Exhausted? Absolutely. Rest? That's tricky. I slept without waking up once last night. But then I was flooded with the memories of all the nightmares I had successfully slept through so it wasn't truly restful sleep. I feel if I were brave enough I would take time off, even just a day, so that I could rest. But taking time off is tricky.

Who are you trying to be normal for?

What I meant by that was just trying to make it through the work day without having any meltdowns. And trying to be a good mom. And a good friend. And especially at work, I know in my heart that I can ask for help, but I also know that I am being watched this year to see if I am stronger. I've gotten a lot of praise this year at how much stronger I am. I feel like if I take the time I need this week or fall apart at school that my progress will be voided. It's a tricky balance I am trying to figure out.

 

[RussH]

I understand J, and you will do it.
When you have a hard day you can come here and vent.
As you know, we are all pulling for you.

 

[BlueOrange]

One thing that I try to remind myself of, is that nightmares are the brain's way of taking out the garbage. I remember one particular week when I was trying to deal with my father, and I had recurring nightmares about behaving violently towards him all week. At the end of that week, the nightmares ended. More importantly, my daytime thinking about him had become less violent, more rational.

These days, when I have nightmares, I'm in the habit of saying to myself "I'm really glad that's being taken away." When I remember to do it, I find the nightmare a lot less upsetting.