Tired Of The Journey

[Tessa]

Anger,anger,anger,headaches nightmares,triggers. Somedays I just hate PTSD.

 

[Iam]

So do I Tessa. Today I feel good, but I know that at any time a trigger can hit me square between the eyes and lay me flat. Though I have to say that I almost envy that you can feel anger. My T thinks that I have some deep seated resentment, but if that's true I haven't been able to tap into it yet. Actually I am terrified of even trying, I am afraid of what might come out if I did.

You are strong and as you said several posts back. Tomorrow brings a new joy and beginning. Good luck!

 

[gdf]

Sometimes I think the overwhelming injustice of why we suffer at the hands of someone or something else drives us to that anger. Then, especially Christians, feel guilty for feeling anger. Be angry and sin not--a bit oxymoronic. What an exhausting circular problem.

 

[Iam]

Ahhh so true gdf, but as the scripture you quoted says "be angry but don't sin in your anger". That tells us that anger is a normal and acceptable emotion. Even Jesus became angry. It's what we do with the anger that is sin or not. I am struggling with holding onto resentment as something that I need God to forgive me of. Isn't resentment a normal emotion? And isn't it understandable to have resentment against someone who hurt you? Still, I really don't believe that I am holding resentment against my perpetrators. Hurt yes, resentment.....? IDK, maybe I am just in denial.

BTW Tessa....I meant to tell you that depression is anger turned inward. It's ok to be angry....just use it in a positive way to move ahead. ;o)

 

[gdf]

Good points all. And I would say yes I agree with them all because as we grow in the light we learn what that scripture means. I.e., spirit of the law vs. the letter of the law. I did have a very manipulative minister for a number of years (who we later found out was actively molesting and raping teenage boys in the congregation) who used scriptures such as that to say being angry with him over anything was a sin because you weren't supposed to get angry as a justified and sanctified Christian. He massaged the truth to his benefit more than once.

It is interesting but in the course of my life I have never seethed with anger over what happened, never wanted to be viscous toward the man who did this to me. Even with the fuss I have been making with my clinic care that went awry these last couple of years I have always stepped back and waited until my anger over my injustices was dispersed. I don't like to "react" because it gets you into trouble. I try to avoid immediate, knee jerk reactions as often as possible in life.

Anger and revenge burn a lot of energy. Sometimes you have to show passion and emotion to get your points across but I find them exhausting. Life is hard to figure out at times...

 

[Iam]

I agree gdf....anger is exhausting. I am right with you on stepping back too instead of reacting. A friend of mine always gets upset with me for that (we are business partners and she suffers from PTSD so we fight like sisters sometimes.) When I step back instead of reacting, which is 99% of the time, she feels or I should say felt that I was abandoning her. She now understands that I simply want to take time to process instead of the knee jerk reaction. That way I can respond in a more positive manner.

The other thing that I think is hard for us a christians is that we feel guilty for being depressed. We have this idea that as christians we should always be happy. Scripture speaks of joy which is a totally different thing than Happiness. Ther is this idea that as a christiasn we are supposed to forgive and just move on. Unfortunately with the things that happened to us we can't just "move on" until we have processed and dealt with the abuses we suffered.

For me, the abuse has affected my relationship with God. That is the one thing, more than anything else, that I want to get back. Trusting Him again.

 

[gdf]

Again, good points and I am simpatico. I find it hard to be close to God as I find it to be close to people...it's hard to feel clean in His presence although my sins are forgiven. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it even though I have a strong faith in all other areas.

When we say it, admit it was real it strips away those last fragments of hope that we are still "perfect" beings, wholly innocent and still virginal (not entirely speaking of the sexual sense of things), pure and unblemished. I can forgive and have a large capacity for it but I am unable to forget because I live with constant reminders of my past. Really being able to look at it these past months has diminished the guilt and feeling that it was my fault. But, there is still much work to do.

 

[Tessa]

Ok I'm not angry anymore I just needed to write it out after severe triggering from past bullying. I did throw my crutches in frustration of being disabled.

I think I survived being watched by an occupational psychologist for 3 days...although how could I ever trust again???

I invited the woman to my house who was making complaints about my staff to the boss. We are both intelligent Christian women and I asked to listen to her concerns and call peace.

 

[Tessa]

Thankyou both for your comments and...yes.. I find it hard to trust God too..I think that is numb also...

 

[Tessa]

Now it all comes tumbling down...tears of frustration..too much pressure...too many triggers...I am irritable and it would be so good to drift into oblivion....I know I can't...please God send me your strength and care....

 

[Iam]

I am sorry Tessa. May God give you strength for today and hope for tomorrow. He is the author of New Beginnings, may He surround you with His love and tender mercies right now. Run into Him for he is your refuge and strong tower. (((Hugs))) Tessa.

 

[Tessa]

Thankyou Iam. I am reminded of a beautiful song we used to sing at fellowship about the rock and strong tower shielding us from the enemy. How I miss those nights of singing and the love and support of my beautiful Aboriginal friends.

I am in a dark place right now. Unfortunately my husband,the person I love most, wore the brunt of my triggered explosion. I appreciate his calm advice and telling me he still loves me.

"When my heart is overwhelmed,lead me to the rock that is higher than I....."