Tired Of The Journey

[anni]

I think we are all listening, Tessa. No, we're not the ones sitting in those awful places trying to reach people who so terribly need to be touched but if it helps you are being heard. I realise it's for them you're wishing respite, and oh my who on the planet needs it more but do know you are one of God's most valuable beings. There doesn't seem to be respite for you so maybe knowing you're at least not alone with your thoughts and other's pain is a little something?

Politics-funding- it sounds the same there as here. Is there anything one out here, this far away can do, such as at least join something or write or give to a group?

Anni

 

[Tessa]

Thankyou for listening Anni. I appreciate your thoughts and support.

Someone wrote a course in Aboriginal orientation called "They Listen But They Do Not Hear"..so true a lot of the time.

On the positive someone is still alive tonight even if I did have to give up my sleep. I tried to get a rest today however the plumber decided to walk all over my roof to check the hot water system just as I was trying to drift off ! I'm off to try again now.

 

[anni]

I think you're very adept at making one HEAR. It's rather a breath-taking perspective, too, simply put. In this world, we think the small annoyances of life are so large. The transmission blew on the car on a crowded freeway which sent me into the usual adrenaline spiral-well- Good God! I HAVE a car, and the means to have been coming back from a dentist, and my plumber does now walk across my roof in the night. The work you do is with people whose life is so far removed from such luxuries I'm certain they could not fathom the thought that a car would be stressful-so humbling in the extreme! One can only hope one does hear, and not say so because it sounds like something one should say, and do continue to hear.

I do hope you and the plumber did get some sleep. I'm glad there was a success with a life saved.

 

[Tessa]

I have now attended 3 attempted suicides in a week and am lacking sleep. Last night the family were angry as we got there after she had run away with a sheet. Do they think they have a magic lamp to rub and the minute they call we can just appear as magic. We had to avoid drunks and threats of smashing our car before we finally calmed her and talked her down.

I recall finding a policeman 3 days after he hung himself and cannot get the awful image of his decomposing body out of my mind. I have my own suicidal thoughts at times however no-one should have to see such terrible things.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Tessa,

You are correct, no one should have to see the body of someone who hung themselves. In fact, it would be wonderful if no one ever felt so bad they had to end their life. But you were there for the "attempted" suicides and that is a huge success. Three people who did not end their lives.

Do you think that having experienced suicidal thoughts gives you insight to the degree of hurt these people are experiencing?

Intothelight

 

[Tessa]

0400 and 5 more suicide attempts tonight and I am over it....so tired.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Honestly, I don't know HOW you do this work and still remain sane, and functioning. You have the constitution of a superhero......Give yourself a break, no matter how small. You do need a rest Tessa......You are still #1 in your world remember that. If we can't take care of ourselves, no one else can do it for us.....

 

[Tessa]

I have fallen over a log on my journey yet I still walk. I am a closed book. I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I no longer talk to a psychologist.

My summary of that time is that we who have experienced trauma will somehow always be at fault. We need to work at it all the time when our deep pain goes unheard.

I keep walking..slowly..in silence...and alone...

 

[Tessa]

Tomorrow is the funeral of one of my staffs husbands who comitted suicide...too much.

My mother (thankfully thousands of klm away) completely trivialised suicide on the phone. If only she knew how hard her daughter has had to fight to remain in this world.

Rest in peace now... and I'm sorry the world did not listen to your pain....

 

[Iam]

I am so sorry Tessa. Obviously this is going to be tough for you in itself. It's horrible that your mother trivialized it. Some people just don't understand how strong those thoughts and emotions are, let alone the pain that causes them. Her trivializing it must be just another hurt on top of others.

I so want to say the placating things, but know that doesn't make it easier. I don't know how you handle the work you do and still keep going. Those people are lucky to have you, someone who understands and will not trivialize how they are feeling.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Tessa]

Today I crashed. I have been doing well coping with it all until the bosses decided to have a knee-jerk reaction to all the suicide attempts.

On world suicide prevention day we buried the husband of one of my AHWs and I received a "please explain" e-mail from the boss in the city about numbers reports etc....it tipped me over the edge.

Does the word "care" even exist in their mentality ???

Today I felt suicidal myself and was feeling really trapped. I knew I needed help so I sought out my son who has a degree in psych and told him I needed to let it all go. I felt so much better after he sat and listened.

 

[Tessa]

I feel like my brain has shattered into a thousand pieces and I have to try and put them back together again. I am triggered by years of bullying and now I am disturbed by panic attacks and nightmares.

One step at a time....