Tired Of The Journey

[anni]

I'm the same way with church-it's just me and God at the moment, and it's going to stay that way because I've had enough of people telling me what it is God means, or wishes me to do, or say, or behave.

Thank you most sincerely for letting us know about your awards. Seriously- to KNOW you were seen and heard, when sometimes it just feels like all that is out there is the uncaring bureauocracy gives me a much better, hopefull perspective with this sort of thing. I'm sure you do not wish to hear all about how well-deserved it was, since it's not your intent to go win medals and accolades but still- thank you for your work. I hope it's ok to say that much. We have not quite gotten to that state here with our Native American population but their history is crashingly tragic. They've managed to gain some resources here and there to improve things.also here and there no thanks to 'powers that be', but it's pretty abysmal. Noone wishes to revisit the facts of the past-too ugly, so the present isn't addressed since it's how things got that way in the first place, pretty much. Voices can be heard, at any rate, so gosh, hearing those awards came your way means your voice and others like them on whatever continent are scarcely little tiny ones.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Tessa, thank YOU.. I'm so glad that someone understands. Thank YOU for using the words 'fantastic' and 'lawyer' in the same sentence. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.

Thank YOU

 

[anni]

Oh dear, it must be like that, SJ-so had to thank that, albeit on Tessa's thread. For what it's worth, the attorney who finally got me FREE is 5 foot nothing, and a pit-bull in single minded determination to bring justice into the courtroom for her particular battered, abused domestic violence victim. It's a cause-like Tessa'a lawyer has a cause and boy, is she terrifying or WHAT. So yes, Good Lawyer-perhaps a subject worth a thread.

 

[Tessa]

The panic attacks are back in full force. I went shopping by myself on the week-end and it was terrible. I walked into the supermarket trying to tell myself it was ok. Next the shelves all seemed to be closing in on me and I was so terrified I thought I would die. I wondered why the people around me could not see the terror in my eyes. I fought through it and the desire to drop my basket and run.

I should be proud of myself for making it through the check out however it felt so bad I would rather die than go through it again.

Next we went to the city and were to meet up with my family for lunch. My husband parked the car as lifts make me panic also. I lost him and had no idea where the restaurant was. My manager had taken my phone away so I had no contact. The panic became cold and all encompassing. I watched as people carried on with their lives around me oblivious to my distress.

Eventually I tried to reason with myself and sat in the gutter hoping my family would find me and thankfully my husband did.

I am tired of the journey. Sick of being judged,talked about and being forced through proceedures which terrify me.

I am so grateful for this site where others can understand through similar experiences. Thankyou.

 

[anni]

It's the judging and getting pushed around which batter me the most. I lack to resources to 'toughen up', like one is apparently supposed to in this world so generally just become more tattered-also slightly more likely to isolate back here in the woods. I have to say I smiled when you said your husband found you, since I can't tell you how often mine has done that for me-literally and figuratively. He doesn't look too much like he's wearing all that shining armour those knights that save one are supposed to wear. He looks like someone who should be tracking a bear across some mountain but I always swear I see that knight when he's scooping me up from some awful place.

I recently said thank you to the forum also, for pretty much the same reason. So grateful too, so there again, you're not alone.

I hope your nerve endings have stopped yelling for now, at least. Do take care.

 

[Tessa]

Thankyou Anni,

I agree about the husbands. I would not still be here without mine. He is the calm and caring voice through all the turmoil and pain and also the physical presence as rescuer. I don't know how often it has been to see that rescuer turn up in his western shirt and pants ,feel the strength of his hand as he holds mine and the safety of burying my head in his chest with the smell of freshly mown hay and cow dung.

Today I have difficulty getting out of bed and just feel exhausted..so I will rest. Hope your day is restful also.

 

[anni]

Yes, and while you're resting please don't ever feel you keep having to reply if I stick something on your thread here, you know? That can be exhausting itself I know! You do keep saying things, like speaking of your husband like that which make me thing 'OH' and sets off some train of thought, you know? I remember reading, with SUCH a pang, that one of the most healing things for PTSD was being able to be in a relationship, and with one of 'our' men. ( ok they didn't exactly have a picture of them standing by a lake with a sting of fish they've just caught or that bear but might as well have ) I hadn't met him then so gosh that kind of just sucked to read. All I can come up with is God quite literally heard me whining and sent him, sans wings, to be some sort of angel in faded Levi's. He assures me I was the one who was sent to HIM, but he's kind of good at forgivable fibbing now and then. :)

Peace for today for you, and I still hope that manager went home with fleas.

 

[Tessa]

The bullying will not stop. Someone is hurting me and no-one will listen. I feel like an abused child trying to tell an adult and all they say is "He's a nice man,he wouldn't do that".

Someone please tell me why I should not give up.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Tessa,

Please forgive me for jumping into your thread, but I saw your last post and I'm worried...
I don't know you, I'm new, but I have seen some of your absolutely beautiful posts to people, enough to give me a sense of your deep heart, compassion, goodness.

I know from trauma how abusers hide behind facades of niceness, power, etc,... Some of the worst abusers are real psychopaths that are so skilled at masking who they really are, and hardly anyone believes the "little" people who are being abused.

Do Not Give Up! Please, forgive me for not knowing... but please, I'm sending you my heart-felt care, prayers for strength and perseverance, for relief from the abuse...
For all that you need for your comfort right now, and for healing and protection....
I'm here, I'm listening...
worried,
deer

 

[Tessa]

Thankyou deer,

I have restrained myself from getting in the car and driving to who knows where just to try and escape all the pain. Thankyou for your prayers and care. I am strong I will try hard to focus and believe someone will hear my cry. I feel so trapped and manipulated.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Dear Tessa,

I've been praying for you, and tears are coming as I read your post. I'm listening, and I know God is, too...
(I just sent a prayer request to a sacred place for you.)

You're not alone.
You are wonderful, you are a great treasure to so many. Such a gift to the world.
Is there anyway you can get some rest right now?
Can you lie down, be with animals, listen to music....
Is there some way you can take in my words that you are wonderful, and that you are loved
deeply concerned,
deer

 

[jesse]

Hi Tessa I'm new here but have been reading your threads. Is it OK if I ask what you do in Australia? I can figure out that you are in a crisis center of some kind but I was just wondering what your job is. I have so much admiration for your courage and how you still have so much compassion for people who need you. It is amazing to me that you are not somehow desensitized to it. I have suicidal thoughts often at times and had a very serious attempt a few years ago and I have nowhere near the stress that you must feel seeing so much pain and tragedy every day. I really can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to walk in your shoes. I have a lot of respect for you and really don't know how you do it. Is there anyway you can take a leave of abscence or work somewhere else for awhile? Please don't be offended by my question if it sounds ignorant I'm sorry. It's just that you are so important to your family and community and if your job is going to kill you maybe it would be a good time for a break of somekind. Take care Tessa.
Jesse