Tired Of The Journey

[Tessa]

Have been travelling along my journey not too bad. Mostly my feelings are buried and I just keep going and managing to do some things like drive to town by myself .
This week my daughter was made redundant and she has just started a housing loan. I have just turned 60 and feel I will have to keep working until I am 90 to pay the bills. Also staff have walked out without giving me a reason and I have just done a week in palliative care which was confronting.
Depression now has taken over my body and I feel I can hardly move or smile and everything is an effort. This is such a lonely journey which I keep to myself as I feel others do not understand...

 

[seedling]

Hi Tessa.
Congrats on driving yourself :)

not too bad

But not too good either maybe. It's hard to feel that it's all buried and can't be shown.


For me the problem with trying to share it with people around me that don't understand is that then I am open to having to hear whatever their problems are. It doesn't seem to end up being the understanding and comfort I'm wanting.

Glad to see you here.

 

[Tessa]

So tired of the journey now and feeling the world would be better off without me. Bullied into a corner again and feeling powerless to escape the trauma. Going on holidays on Tuesday...sailing out of Darwin on Queen Mary 2,so hope to drag myself through until then. I would like to help with the cyclone clean up however I don't think I have the inner strength to be any good.

 

[joeylittle]

Going on holidays on Tuesday...sailing out of Darwin on Queen Mary 2,so hope to drag myself through until then.

Changing where you are at physically can often create a change for where you are, mentally. It's a kind of proof that you aren't stuck forever exactly where you are at, at least metaphorically.

I would like to help with the cyclone clean up however I don't think I have the inner strength to be any good.

You might give it a go, anyway. There could be something very simple you could do that wouldn't tax you emotionally but would let you be a part of something...I think the fact that you would like to help is a really good sign, and I know how impossibly hard it is to drag yourself around when depression has set in - so I can only say that for me, when I do manage to ass-kick myself into doing something, it always relieves the pain for awhile.

 

[seedling]

The truth is, the world is not better off without you.

I'd love to breath some sea air. Hope it does you a lot of good. Hang in there.

 

[Tessa]

The cruise was good and smooth sailing although a lot of sick people on board. When we arrived in Brisbane we met up with my husbands family who we have not met with for 35 years after we lost the farm due to a family dispute. It went well however I am tired and jumping at shadows and having constant nightmares and lost my confidence.
Trying to cope with abuse at work.....just not in a good place. Spoke with my psych last night and she was worried...hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel soon.

 

[Tessa]

The greatest insult to over 40 years of nursing. I have been doing well and now some anonymous person is trying to take my registration away due to PTSD. I have never put the public at risk and have always been a competent, upskilled practitioner. I fear it is a disgruntled staff member who has not had their contact renewed. It is the lowest act.

 

[seedling]

That is low. Sending you some light to shine in to this dark corner to reveal it for the sham it truly is. (Extra giant size light with lots of battery power to last!)

 

[Tessa]

Thankyou. That is such a nice thought. I hope the light does chase away the evil.

 

[seedling]

Hold that thought, so that no matter what happens, you end up in the light. Keep it with you as much as you can. No one can take away that 40 years of service and caring for others. The insult is on them, not you.
It's still low!

 

[Tessa]

Hold that thought, so that no matter what happens, you end up in the light. Keep it with you as much as...

Thankfully , the board found no case to answer however it took many weeks of stress and waiting and drove me further into my shell. I will be very reluctant to talk about living with PTSD again.

 

[Tessa]

A very tiring and challenging week. On Monday night I received a call-out to a girl who was hanging herself. I raced up there with the driver only to find the sheet had ripped and now she had climbed onto the roof and jumped off. Angry dogs were growling at my ankles as I tried to get to her. All around were drunks yelling abuse. In the end I had to retreat to the car for safety while drunks fought either side and threatened to smash the car. I could feel myself getting traumatised and triggers from my assault started to go off.
I called 000 for police assistance and an hour later they still had not arrived and the girl still did not want to come to the clinic for assessment
Finally everyone settled down and I left the girl with safe family to watch her..
I have felt shattered inside and like I can't put the pieces back together however I continue my work caring for others.
Today the visiting doctor told me I could be liable if the girl had gone on to commit suicide. It is so easy when you are not here in the middle of it.
One of our Remote Area Nurses has just been murdered while attending a call out on her own and we are warned to try and keep safe.
Thankyou for listening and allowing me to talk in a safe place.