To Respond Or Not To Respond... That Is The Question

[Em C.]

Hi all!

So quick summary: I told my dad I wouldn't be able to come to thanksgiving dinner and he exploded and called me a liar and a horrible person etc. Next day when I saw him and my step mom she said that next time I saw them she was going to sit me down and have a talk to me about coming to grips with reality. I said "we'll see about that" and haven't talked to them since.

This was about 2? 3? Weeks ago and I haven't talked to them since. My step mom sent me a pic of my brother about a week ago with him reading my favourite book but I didn't answer. Yesterday I got mass emailed about his birthday party. Today my step mom texted me saying "Not sure if you are receiving emails" and telling me when they are celebrating my brother's birthday. I can't go because I work all day but I'm not sure if me answering would escalate things or what. I'm mainly concerned that in their anger they will take it out in my baby siblings so I'm not sure what exactly to do. I know it's my choice but I was wondering if people had similar experiences and/or what they would do in my place. I should probably mention while my step mom is verbally abusive, my dad has broken my mom's ribs and my older brother's arm in the past, so I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I don't want to be verbally or physically injured obviously but I'm more concerned about my sibs. As soon as I saw the text I started shaking in class. It's a seminar class so that was a bit awkward.


Thanks guys :)

 

[Jane.l]

could you just txt back thanking them for the invite but declining as you have work commitments and leave it at that ?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with Jane. I would do the same thing.

I too suffer from too much survivors guilt with my sibs. When I moved out leaving them with my dad, I felt so bad as if I was abandoning them all.

I wish you healing in this area of your recovery.

 

[Matilda]

@Jane.l I don't know if I would recommend contact. I have a lot of experience with my own father who was verbally abusive and just the slightest contact at the explosive phase would just hand them am excuse to violently blow up again. I completely feel for you as this truly is such a tense situation to be in. In my own situation I had to cut off all contact with my father a few months ago after his latest explosion. I felt too much in danger. I don't believe you should allow yourself to be out in that situation and if you truly do fear for the safety of your siblings then you may need to do the tough call of contacting an adult you trust for help.

 

[Jane.l]

@Matilda I guess it depends on the outcome @em c is looking for - if she wants to cut her father out of her life I totally agree with not responding but if she is hoping to maintain some kind of relationship it's a case of putting boundaries in place .

 

[rightkindofme]

In my opinion the first thing to remember is it is not your fault if your dad hurts your sibs. That is his fault, not your. It can never ever be your fault if someone else loses control and hurts people. That isn't how responsibility works.

I understand the guilt. I walked away from an incestuous family and later found out it all went to the generation after mine. I feel like it is my fault because I didn't stay to protect them. It isn't my fault. It is the fault of the rapists. I would not have been able to protect my niece or nephew. I doubt you can protect your sibs. What you can do is take care of you.

If you want future contact, some response is a good idea. If you are ready to walk away, don't answer. Either way only you truly have to live with the decision. Do what is best for YOU.

I'm sorry that things are like this.

 

[Em C.]

Wow Thanks guys for the quick responses I feel loved :)

I could cut out my dad without a second's thought but my sibs are too young for me to contact separately as my sister is six and my brother nine. I'm a good influence for them and they trust me so I don't want them to feel abandoned. I considered calling children's aid and having them intervene but I know people that that has happened to and that can be worse. *sighs* I'm not physically well enough that I could take them (and I'm twenty so regardless that's not genius) and none of the adults who could intervene would on my dad or step mom's side.

I think I will respond but I don't know when how I should? The party is Novemeber 16th so is it better to respond now or later? This is just new(ish) territory for me so I'm a bit lost

 

[Jane.l]

Personally I would do it sooner rather than later - otherwise it will be hanging over you and issues tend to get bigger rather than smaller. Besides that you are being totally upfront you can't go because you are working. You are taking responsibility for yourself by answering the invitation you are NOT responsible for how your father chooses to respond.

 

[Justmehere]

Next day when I saw him and my step mom she said that next time I saw them she was going to sit me down and have a talk to me about coming to grips with reality. I said "we'll see about that" and haven't talked to them since.

I think you set a good boundary to not go to thanksgiving. But, I think your last comment to them might have sent an unintended mixed message that your boundary it is for discussion.

I would tell them very clearly, and simply, that you have made your final decision and state what your boundary is for contact and family get together right now. Tell them it's not up for discussion, and if they push it, it will likely take you longer before things change for you.

When I told this to my own pushy family members about my own abusive father, they started to back off. When they still contacted me and invited me to family get togethers before I was ready, I didn't respond - but only after I made it clear I wouldn't be coming to any family events.

I'm guessing that you gave them a unintended mixed message because it's still very much a mixed decision for you.

It's ok, even wise, to take space and recuperate even though your siblings are still with them. One hing they teach lifeguards is never to put themselves in a situation where they are at risk for drowning just to save someone else is drowning because of the lifeguard starts to drown then not only can they not save the other person, but now there is more people drowning.

I think you may first have to give yourself permission to fully tell them no and take care of you. When the time is right and your have the right resources, you will then be able to better help your siblings.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I wouldn't waste any of my precious brain cells on dad and step mom. They've clearly demonstrated that they have no compassion. Screw family get together and instead plan outings with your siblings so they can get respite from the chaos.

 

[risingsun]

I can't go because I work all day but I'm not sure if me answering would escalate things or what.

I would calmly maintain your position about the "work conflict," express that you deeply regret to have to turn down the invitation. You can always send a great card/gift to your sibling and a thanksgiving card even. Remain calm. Keep the boundaries you wish to maintain for yourself. Best of luck with this, Rising Sun.

 

[Em C.]

Thanks for the support everyone! I responded with the work conflict and now they want me to come the weekend after that to baby sit (which I won't do because I refuse to spend the night in the same house as my dad) and to my brother's kid party (which I may do but probably won't).

I can't respond to all of you because I am a bit loopy on Tylonol Ones because I have a messed up ankle *sigh* but thank-you all so so much for your help and support. I was really freaking out yesterday to the point where one of my friends noticed I was shaking, and you guys all helped me feel so much better and so much more in control.

Hugs to you all! :)