I survived. I spoke to my Doctor about work and how working helps me but that they were worried it makes me worse so she wrote on the note that I am better off working than not.
The meeting was much more positive than last time. I went in armed with my fit note and a small part of the report from the Traumatic Stress service photocopied. I only showed them the part with my PTSD diagnosis and the treatment plan, I explained I did not feel it necessary for them to know the details of what happened and they agreed.
They did ask why I struggled so much after the last meeting and I explained I felt abandoned and alone and accused of things I couldn't help. I did say I felt much better now and have much more of an idea of what is happening. I did start to slip away during this part of the conversation but I brought myself back using the grounding techniques I was shown.
They asked how I felt I was doing and I explained it all positively then they asked my manager the same question and she was a bit more negative than me but I knew she was going to do that. I stated I did not dispute what she was saying but it was hard for me to see it as I am part of it.
The main thing they are concerned about is my hypervigilance and startle reflex. I jump at the slightest of things and due to this my colleagues are, without even realising it, adjusting their behaviours to minimise my jumping. It is causing a certain level of tension but I'm not sure how to stop it. I explained that I cannot help jumping it is just instinct but that it is not the end of the world if they make me jump, it will not result in me going in to full blown panic unless they are doing something that triggers me in to a flashback.
My manager suggested maybe I should go home when I start getting jumpy instead of waiting until I am struggling more but I pointed out that I would never be here if that was the case and that because I don't always realise I am jumping it is not possible for me to make a conscious decision to go home at that point.
In the end we have settled on giving the staff a statement (they all know I am having some anxiety issues) saying that it is ok if they make me jump by accident, it is not their fault and as quickly as they make me jump it passes so they don't have to worry about making me worse. This is something I've wanted to say to them anyway so it saves me having to find a way to do it.
I think they went away having a better idea of what my life is like at the moment and just how this affects me. It was much more of a 'ok, we know you have PTSD, we know working helps, how can we all work together to make this work for everyone' unlike last time which was much more of 'we can't handle you, you are too difficult for us to understand, if you can't be normal you can't be here.' I think it really helped that I went in being more open and willingly providing the documentation not to mention having a written diagnosis. We know where we are at now and can go from there. I also made a point of stating I am eager to get better and get my life back to some sort of normality.
