Childhood Today I said those words - Talking about CSA

[Emotional girl]

The last 10 months for me have been a complete nightmare.

It all started off with a trip to the dentist which lead to some repressed memories to come out.Memories which I couldn't remember until this year.

Since then I have had flashbacks ,body memories and nightmares.My mood has been low ,I've had suicidal thoughts every day and I have also self harmed every day.

My last therapist would only let me go so far in the amount I could talk about with him about the abuse and he referred me to a specialist therapist.

Today I told my new therapist how much I am struggling,that I put on this mask and pretend that I am strong every single day.He said to me that must be exhausting and I said yes it is.
During our session he got me to write a letter to my perpetrator and as I did tears started to roll down my cheeks and I couldn't stop them.

I then talked about some of the physical abuse I went through and then my therapist said how else were you abused and I said I am too scared to say and that I would be punished , he then said do you trust me and I said yes .

Then all of a sudden I found myself talking about the CSA ,not in great detail but enough for my therapist to understand and as I did more tears started to fall.He asked me how I felt and I said sick and he said I was very brave and he was proud of me.

Since I have come home I just feel numb again and convinced I will be punished now even though my perpetrator is dead.

I honestly wouldn't wish the way I feel on my worst enemy.

Will my life suddenly change now that I have said those words out loud ?

 

[Invisible Fire]

I agree with your therapist and you are brave. I think your life will change because you are healing. I have yet to speak the words out loud and reading this gives me hope. Thank you

 

[somerandomguy]

Saying those words out loud is a sign of incredible strength, not weakness - of progress, not being stuck. You deserve to heal. You deserve to get better. And saying those words out loud is proof that you actually can.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you @Invisible Fire for your kind words.I am glad that I have helped you .
I don't feel very brave,I feel like I am being eaten alive by my own thoughts and feelings.

 

[Invisible Fire]

@Emotional girl I understand. I feel the same way. It is a hard road but, I do believe we have it in us to be well and that we will heal. Being patient and kind to our selves is important. I think its great you are open and honest about how you feel. You are not alone. I am working with my therapist and I find it difficult on the days that I feel I've shared to much. It is part of the process. And I often want to slap my therapist when he says its part of the process but I am seeing the truth in that:)

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you very much @somerandomguy for your support.
On here and with my therapist are the only places where I can speak what is on my mind.
These last 10 months have left me so confused and numb at the same time.Maybe you are right about it is time to heal.
A psychiatrist told me in order for a wound to heal you have to clean that wound, the wound will sting for a while whilst you clean it but it will heal in the end.

 

[Invisible Fire]

A psychiatrist told me in order for a wound to heal you have to clean that wound, the wound will sting for a while whilst you clean it but it will heal in the end.

That makes a lot of sense

 

[Emotional girl]

@Invisible Fire I feel exactly the same when it comes to therapy.I will sit there and think did I just say too much or didn't I say enough.Then I will think did I just open up too quickly.
I have a certain amount of sessions with my therapist so I do feel under pressure to get it out before the end.
You are progressing as well by the sound of things by recognising what you do in therapy and by considering healing.

 

[Emotional girl]

I have dealing with this by myself really for the last 37 years but because I had repressed memories I didn't understand just how much it had affected my life.
So maybe subconsciously I have been waiting for the right time to talk to someone that I could talk to and someone who I felt safe with.

 

[Invisible Fire]

Not trying to be annoying but I understand that also. I struggled for more than 40 years due to repressed memories and thanks to a couple life events they came to the surface. I am just beginning to understand how much it had affected my life. My therapist tells me things are coming to the surface because I am ready to deal with things now.

 

[Emotional girl]

You are not annoying at all @Invisible Fire .It is good to know that we are not alone and that other people have had similar experiences.
That is exactly the same thing my therapist told me as well.They say how brave and strong we are but alot of the time I do not feel strong at all.

 

[Emotional girl]

Now I am thinking did I do the right thing yesterday ?
Did I say it too quickly ? I did feel really safe with him but at the same time I felt vulnerable because we had been talking about the physical abuse and I let down my guard.
Maybe I said it because I wanted to be told that everything will be ok.
I am even more confused now and wish I had a therapy session tomorrow.