Told Therapist Most Messed Up Secret

[Chava]

I'm home today, in a good amount of pain. Some of it is body-memory type pain and I told my therapist (e-mailing, but freaky enough) that I want to just pass out or abuse myself (down there) to at least feel like I control the pain. It's not a super frequent thing, though seems more of an issue recently (just lots of stuff I'm having a hard time adjusting to or balancing). I had hinted at self sex abuse earlier...she said she would be fine talking about it but needed some more information...but then couldn't say anymore. Today I told her about what kinds of things I insert that are painful. Totally f*cked up, mortifying. :nailbiting::nailbiting::wtf::alien: I told her it doesn't even really help...I feel more control I guess but the pain in still there and then I add all this extra shame.

Anyway, I compromised between extremes and took a benzo to rest and hurt myself only a little. Now I took another benzo (this isn't a good option either, but tomorrow my doctor is back in her office and will have something new for me). I don't want to die, I don't hate myself, I don't want to pass out. But I do want to crawl into a little cocoon and go to sleep and distance myself. But the nice part is my therapist said this all made complete sense and assured me that she wasn't freaked out or mad at me (told her I was afraid of that).

So I need to check out for a while here. But I sort of hope this helps me have a better tomorrow. I hope it's ultimately helpful that I shared that f*cked up bit of information and survived without getting sucked into an impossible pit of shame. I do just want to escape the day though. Okay?

Not sure if I can actually talk about in therapy, but part of me is glad she knows. And doesn't hate my guts for it.

Thanks for listening.

 

[desiderata310]

Ok.

 

[scout86]

But I sort of hope this helps me have a better tomorrow.

Me too!!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Disclosures have always been beneficial for me, much as I fought it. Take a rest. Be careful. No shame-not required.

 

[void]

I'm home today, in a good amount of pain. Some of it is body-memory type pain and I told my therapist (e-m...

Life rewards action.
You have courage.
You want to be free...to heal.
Facing the truth is the way.
I know how badly you want freedom.
May you find it.:hug:

 

[Suzetig]

I think you've been incredibly brave.

 

[The Albatross]

Not an easy admission Chava... but one necessary to your recovery. Hope all goes well, it can... remember that?

 

[shimmerz]

Very, very brave. Congratulations @Chava. More power to you.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Chava I think you are incredibly brave as well; this sort of thing is so, so hard to talk about. I also think it's not nearly as messed up as you think - Id venture a guess that you are in good company, atleast within this community.

 

[Stickler]

I'll admit to...um...having gone through phases of inserting very large stuff.:bag: For masturbation.* Looks hideously embarrassed*

...It was re-enactment. The fantasies along with it were...dad.

I don't know why. It just was. I felt compelled. It wasn't joyful.

So you're not exactly the Lone Ranger here, hon. Kind of similar.

 

[oasis2003]

Take Care and shame not allowed !!!! yes I agree you were very brave and hopefully it will ease your suffering with your disclosure. I think you can sign out for a while it is allowed. Many :hug::hug: and self care. I have great respect for you.

 

[Chava]

Thanks everyone. I'm not feeling very good. Trying to eat well and hopefully feel good for a walk. I've done a benzo knock out today.

@Stickler thanks so much for sharing that. I was trying to search on the web and here, and only found a couple similar stories. I'm sure there are more. But hearing that others have struggled with this ultimately made it easier for me to bring up to my therapist...I was right on the edge of feeling too f*cked up to be human.

There are all kinds of issues that feel safer to bring up though, with this out of the way...like how I partly avoid relationships because I just want bad or painful sex, dissociating, and running away after vs sticking around and snuggling. I've wrecked potentially good relationships this way. My therapist said trauma gets the good and bad glued together like this (like with sex stuff particularly...and also the feelings of having control through hurting myself...but I hate it too)