Told Therapist Most Messed Up Secret

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I'm really sorry @Chava I'm sorry you're in pain.

I don't think you're an idiot. Sometimes the pain out ways our coping abilities.

I hope things work out better for you tomorrow too. :hug: If you accept them.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Chava, chill out. This how it rolls when you break your silence. It's a defining moment in healing. Please be careful with booze and drugs. Don't make any plans to quit therapy for a year. Where I live, people get temporary sponsors, then go out on their own.

 

[Chava]

Chava, chill out

yes, I've tried that. Results were far from perfect....

 

[Chava]

I'm not talking to my therapist about any more of this. And "temp sponsors" aren't really a thing where I'm at (more rural, more structured, and sometimes I know that sucks). I have a doll I can talk to. That's f*cked up, but I'm trying to not hate or shame myself. But, I might vanish from human connection. Just where I'm at today. I probably won't quit therapy but I won't talk about this. Not because I'm a baby. But because I don't want to set myself on fire.

I know my therapist has her own life but I was kind of drowning today and had to invent alternatives. They suck, but I set them in place to stop the drowning and now I have a new f*cked up structure for this (it makes no sense to me, so I'll blindly drop into any structure or safety I can find). I also am to afraid I've pissed off my therapist or freaked her out. I need to have alternatives. so I do. They suck. But now I have them and I don't need anyone else. I also don't need to talk about this. Whew... f*ck it!!!!

 

[Suzetig]

It's fine for you not to talk about it, sometimes just saying the "thing" is all we can cope with and that's ok. I still think you've been so very brave, I do hear how much you're struggling and hope you're able to keep yourself safe. Try to keep your next T appointment - I know it's hard but it might help you to go and see that your T is still there, wanting to work with you and still being accepting of you.

 

[Chava]

Thank you so much @Suzetig . I still feel incredibly isolated. So instead of feeling like I'm working on the "thing"..I'm working on the isolation. It's too much to share and it's too much to hang onto alone. I don't feel like I have good choices or options. So for tonight I have a doll. And being a f*cked up alcoholic.

 

[Rumors]

Chava,
Maybe the "structured" AA thing would be good? AA can't be something you pick up and put down when convenient or only when needed. I know that you realize this, however you work sobriety daily and sometimes moment to moment. Just when you think you don't need it, the urge to drink creeps up again and you realize that this "thing" can come and go without much warning.
Be kind to yourself. The shame you will feel today over drinking will perpetuate the negative thinking you are having. I hope you will continue with therapy and realize that we all have those messed up secrets that make us want to crawl under the table and die. I have faith that you will get through this!!! Sending you strength to get through today without drinking.

 

[Chava]

I sent my therapist a message yesterday because I wasn't doing well. Jittery and (without any details) was making myself bleed. I noted that I'd try to find some distractions. She didn't respond, but would have seen it because she replied to my dumb-ass little drunk e-mail from last night (even a simple response to the other e-mail would have helped me feel like none of it mattered or I'm too f*cked up). I feel so ashamed. I can't eat.

She said we could talk about this stuff. But now I feel like I'm too much, or she's disgusted, or is secretly hoping I just quit because I really want to. I even told her a little more about this self abuse (w/out details) yesterday while perfectly sober. I was trying really hard to have guts, but also be self-compassionate vs too shamed or judging. And now I feel ashamed, judged, and honestly ripped off for trusting her. I feel really really sick. I want to rip out my guts and set them on fire.

WHY did I bring this up? See what happens? I want die. I've worked with her for 3 years. I'm not starting therapy over. I trusted her and that's really hard for me to do. I am not strong enough to try this any more, I feel like I am dying right now. I will never talk about any of it ever again. I'm such a shit head f*ck up.

Time for another benzo.

 

[Suzetig]

The isolation is a good thing to work on, there have been things I've shared with my T that I've literally not talked about again for months and months because it's felt too shameful to go there. In the meantime I've worked on all sorts of other stuff that might seem like nothing to someone else looking in but helped me regain security in the relationship and cope with my feelings.

Take it easy, it doesn't all come at once - keep chipping away at it, knowing that some days you're able to chop off great big blocks (ie telling your most shameful thing) and on others you're just scraping by.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I don't understand, @Chava, how did your therapist betray your trust?

 

[Chava]

@KwanYingirl
I had a what felt like a crisis e-mail about this stuff and feeling like I can't manage, and then just a dumb drunk e-mail...and she just replied to the drunk e-mail. So the other one felt ignored, unimportant, disgusting, or too much. I just felt massively ashamed. Now she apologized for giving me the impression it wasn't important. And she was busy, etc. She said we could work on this stuff. I was in so much pain and shaky yesterday. Then making myself bleed on top of that. I just don't need to become a benzo addict, just to get through.

I'm mortified if we will end up talking about any of it in session, but I hope I've humbled myself enough to want help. I feel perfectly f*cked up. So far in e-mail I've done okay explaining stuff without the more uncomfortable details. Anyway, she said we could get curious about this together and what might be helpful to do for this stuff. I was numb to everything except some back pain for years. Now it's gone from 0 to 10 on pain and unmanageable sensations (in the area I want to hurt), in a short time. I'm doing okay not shaming myself too much, but HYPER SENSITIVE, I admit, to really believing my therapist isn't freaked out or wanting to dump me because my mess is too much. Feeling a tiny bit reassured though.

 

[Ellabella44]

@Chava
As others have said you are not alone on that. I thought my therapist would get weirded out by it. It was worst when I was drinking.

Sadly we punish ourselves in ways we shouldn't. Forgive yourself for disclosure. It has to hurt you that you do this or you wouldn't have talked about it at all.