Told Therapist Most Messed Up Secret

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

When I was raped I was a virgin and it hurt.

Painful sex is triggering for me but I find it difficult to say that hurts or stop because I deserve it? Oh man thats messed up. I want it to hurt sometimes (and that includes masturbation) because thats what i deserve or to be in a situation where I'm in more control of the pain (I can stop it if i want) or maybe its recreation tbh I dont know why. For a longtime I was totally in denial of being raped. I was just sex I didn't want that hurt a lot I don't even know how I stayed in denial for so long.

I think because of CSA I started masturbating very young...too young. Its always been a shameful thing for me to do. I shouldn't enjoy it and i should be punished for it.
Oh man thats so sad to see in black and white and not just rumbling around in my head causing havoc.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I've edited that post twice and it still doesn't feel right. Being open is hard and it sucks.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Perps count on us to be ashamed cuz it takes the attention off them. How about "I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore"? Point your finger gun at them and...click.

 

[Chava]

I've edited that post twice and it still doesn't feel right. Being open is hard and it sucks.

It's good as it is. I made holes in dolls to molest them when I was a kid. Also penetration stuff with other kids...not really normal. We were age-alike, but I always talked others into doing it (I had told my therapist about this earlier and was really horrified and ashamed, but it does help to notice how I don't feel so ashamed about that stuff anymore, since I shared that it wasn't the end of the world, and I wasn't as disgusting and horrible as I feared).

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Somethings need to be shared to process. Its a heavy burden we're all carrying and sometimes sharing the load is exactly what we need.

Its just so god damn sad that these things happened to us. Trying to understand things that are so f*cked, and that no one should ever have to go through. It just makes me so sad.

 

[joeylittle]

It's so terrifying, talking about the things we are most ashamed of/disgusted by/vulnerable to. I understand a lot of what you are saying, @Chava. That feeling of having told too much really does go away. Hang in.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

You're not alone in this and you are incredibly brave. Your T sounds like a good one. Take good care.

 

[Chava]

Mortified today. Awesome for me, I suppose, that I could give her a little more info without being drunk. But the benzo yesterday probably took the edge off. It seems like I'm at the point of believing my therapist doesn't hate me...and I think it's nice progress that I don't totally hate myself. But I feel mortified anyway. Just a big huge WTF. :wtf: I also don't know how/what/if to talk about some of the stuff around this, but she also doesn't push me and I don't have to say any more unless it seems okay or useful.

thank you @joeylittle and @Cj77

 

[Casper1018]

I can totally relate to this thread. Have also had this painful admission via e-mail mostly due to the shame, then little by little, in session. It helped to lessen the shame by talking. Proud of you for taking this huge step towards healing.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Special kudos for staying sober through this.

 

[I have a username]

Told everything to my new therapist this week. The whole story all at once. Never had done that before; I had to always give hints or talk about it little by little. This time it felt so liberating. I didn't feel ashamed at all. It's a blessing to have ppl capable of listening. I think the more we are capable to talk about it with ppl who will not judge and give support the more We will heal. Gonna keep talking. Thanks for writing this post. Really!

 

[Chava]

Today I want to quit therapy. I want this all off the table. I want to erase it, go backwards, not even do therapy, go back to the distraction of workaholism (I know this isn't all reasonable, but I'm really not comfortable).

@KwanYingirl , I'm also drinking tonight. Was so jittery, even with a benzo. Drinking on temazepam might be extremely stupid. I hope I don't die and that things work out better tomorrow (I also need to figure out if it's okay to just ask for an AA contact, someone I feel okay reaching out to, without having a sponsor...since having a sponsor where I'm at means nothing more than working the steps in a super-structured process that I don't think would matter or help at the moment (plus I've done them all...but would willingly accept more support with the higher power stuff and step 10 stuff).

So anyway, sometimes I'm a f*cking idiot.