Told Therapist Most Messed Up Secret

[Rumors]

@Chava
I want you to imagine that I just told my therapist those same things and I were beating myself up too. What would you tell me? Is it ok to talk with someone about what is going on in my head? Is it ok to run things past a professional to get their take? What specifically is so bad about sharing those things? Is it the act itself, what you did, or how you handled it?
I think the sooner you can accept there isn't a right or wrong on how you process these things the sooner you will ALLOW YOURSELF to heal. Your biggest struggle is the one you are having within yourself. Your therapist is just the vehicle for you to get from point A to point B. You seem to project your own ideology on to your therapist and assume that he or she will get fed up or dump you as a patient because you are too broken. My dear, they are in the business of broken. AND you don't have to be broken forever. A little duck tape and super glue and you are as good as new. Please no negative thinking about where you are and what you told your T. It is totally ok to talk about that. Hang in there!!!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

The full on shame I feel when I let go of a secret has lessened each time I disclose. In my case I fear retribution and punishment for it, but time has taught me that that was planted in me by my perp. It still doesn't go away completely. I still get waves of ickiness, just not the self hatred. The first disclosure was undoubtedly the worst. It took forever to get up the nerve and I may as well have just crawled into bed. I don't judge anyone about this. I believe you are walking toward the light and need reassurance that you are not a mental case. You're not crazy, you're traumatized. It's textbook, really. Would it help you to read articles on shame? It is a HUGE part of healing and IMO the hardest. My benzodiazepines intake skyrocketed when I was telling (some) of my story. It's so hard, but Chava you have us to help you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

And just for a suggestion. Can you get to some meetings? That craving wants you to be agitated. If you can be safe I think using a benzo for your anxiety does less damage than alcohol. Just physically and neurologically. But you have to be careful not to run out of them. The withdrawal is a bitch.

 

[Flower Power]

I think many of us have taken to harming ourselves in some way as an attempt to take back or exhibit some kind of control. The fact that many of us were so young during the abuse means that our defense mechanisms for coping or not coming from an older part of ourselves but from the child within us that is the age we were when it occurred. Some of us cut, some drink, some take pills, overeat, have bulimia, anorexia, sex addictions etc. all to numb out are an attempt to take control of the pain that comes at us and say this is my body!. It's kind of like if I take the power and end a relationship, than it won't hurt as bad if I am the one doing the actual leaving. It is kind of like that. It still hurts we are just the directors now. It doesn't work though, and often causes more numbing, more pain and a deeper well of our shaming ourselves for us to dig ourselves out of. I am an overeater. Food was available and now at 316 lbs I have to dig myself out and find different management skils for handling the world and relationships that trigger me. My body has been the enemy for most of my life. Because I felt betrayed by it when I was raped, this is not abnormal. The body is the body it does what it does. I felt as long as I could step back from it (dissasociate) than I didn't have to accept the responsibility for it, its reactions or responses, shame over experiences etc. Accepting my body, all of its sensitivities and learning to honor the relationship between my conscious waking self and my body has been a life time journey. Reclaiming the feminine has been my goal, but it is not an easy one because the first thing most of us lose because of abuse is the ability to be vulnerable, to be ourselves and surrender sexually or otherwise.

I know to this day when I have sex, I feel like a virgin and there is fear, no matter that I have been married for 15 years.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

I remember you because of your good answers and perspective on my first post in this forum a couple of weeks ago.
I also think you have been brave, I would never dear discussing something so intimate. But it seems important to wirk with. Sad to hear about your struggles though. In time I think you will be only glad you told your therapist:)

 

[Chava]

The first disclosure was undoubtedly the worst. It took forever to get up the nerve and I may as well have just crawled into bed. I don't judge anyone about this. I believe you are walking toward the light and need reassurance that you are not a mental case.

Yes, I have crawled into bed, with benzo help. It's not oblivion like I used to create it, but more like somewhat conscious awareness that I need to tuck myself away into a cocoon for a bit. Thanks. And I do go to meetings. I have to sort of push myself and feel kind of cut off from that structure lately but the human connection and support is important.

Thanks @Ellabella44 , @Rumors , and @Flower Power :hug: Thank you too @Scandinavgirl ...I would not dare this myself...why I am mortified. But I'm also scared and confused. Many things are better, but with lots of things changing it's also scary. Like I can't just enjoy coming out of numbness...it's just some crazy shit sometimes. :nailbiting: Trying well to not beat myself up.

 

[watundah]

I feel that it is not only the intensity of memory and shame, but also vulnerability and trust at play here. You opened the door a tiny crack and let more of the trauma creep out, and now you feel exposed. I feel this way sometimes, like showing what is hiding in my closet weakens me and strengthens others. It makes me want to run and hide because now someone knows a little bit more about me. That takes trust. You trust your therapist and you shared the info with intent to bring her into your secret circle. Seriously, that's huge. You've taken a big step here. You are stronger than you know.

 

[Chava]

Positive steps: #1 sharing this. #2 not canceling my following appointment but actually going. #3 when I left for appointment I had a dreadful feeling, because I still has all this intense pain...I felt I either needed a tramadol to specifically numb me out a bit, or I needed to get a super soft blanket a.s.a.p. I sent a message to my therapist and she let me come 15 min. late so I could buy a soft blanket on my way.

The softness and protection of the blanket helped diffuse and tolerate some of the harder sensations. I could cover up with it or sometimes push downward against the blanket in my lap (downward pressure feeling in pubic bone) without it being inappropriate, you know? (I do SE). Also pushing with my legs. And taking breaks to just curl up and hold soft blanket. And when I got home, I could handle some intense sensations without drug-numbing or self-abusing by keeping this blanket on my lap and working on some art projects.

So for anyone going through any variation of this sort of thing (and how uncomfortable to address in therapy), for me the soft blanket in my lap or to wrap myself in, made it so much more tolerable. Now I have also created a safe association to it and it gives me another choice when I feel those pains and sensations, so I don't just have to self abuse and create more pain (and create greater potential for dependence on benzos to deal with all of that).

 

[Ellabella44]

Hugs, happy you found a new tool to help you feel secure. A blanket addiction is much healthier than alcohol, drugs and self harm. Sometimes I have a stuffed kitty cuddle emergency. Or a pet and snuggle with one of my cats. Hoping this is a key towards better steps for you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

That's just what I get from my sweet lap dog. Glad to see your mood has elevated. Take what you need and leave the rest!

 

[Casper1018]

Love the blanket idea! My T has blankets in her office I will wrap up in sometimes when I want to "hide." Glad you were able to use it for safety and soothing! Good work!!

 

[InvisibleSun]

Proud of your bravery, @Chava..you are not an idiot..you are just in pain. But you're working on yourself the best you can and taking the painful steps towards healing. You should feel good about that! Stay strong!