Tomorrow Is Here, But Today I'm Floating

[mytai]

It's here. I report tomorrow morning. I'm terrified, completely and utterly terrified. I woke up this morning and I feel like I'm floating, like I'm not attached to my body. I know how incredibly important it is for me to stay present tomorrow at all costs. If I'm not present then I can't tell my story to the police. Today feels like I'm going to have trouble staying in my body. I don't know what to do for myself in this case. I don't know if I should try and fight it at all costs today, or if I should allow myself to float away and dissociate it hopes that I don't do it tomorrow if I give into it today.

My T will be at the centre with me when I first get there because she is talking to the police first. She's explaining to them about PTSD, and dissociative disorders, and how mine affects me. She won't be staying after that for the actual report. There is a volunteer for the SA centre that will be sitting with me during the reporting process. I feel so nauseas right now. I'm scared of puking tomorrow.

I'm trying to think of things I can bring with me tomorrow to help me stay present and feeling safe. I think I might bring a bag and put my fluffy blanket in it (if I cocoon it helps me feel protected), definitely bringing a toothbrush and toothpaste in case I do puke, bringing my old dogs tags (not Chelsea's, but my dog who passed away a few years ago), maybe a bottle of water... Just trying to think ahead.

The incident I'm reporting to the police keeps replaying in my head on a constant loop. It's overwhelming me. I see my T the following day on Friday, I booked a longer session with her.

Not doing good today, and it's only 9:30am.

 

[Tony93720]

I have prayed for your strength and focus. Just be still and know that God is with you. You will get through this. You are a survivor.

 

[Echo]

Thinking of you xx

Do you have any essential oil; a little bottle of that or a few drops on your blanket might help to comfort you and bring you back to the present. Don't worry about being sick; if you are, you are. It is all testimony to how upset you are by what happened. You won't be the first one if it happens. Do you have a photo of Chelsea to take with you? What about a stress ball or small fluffy animal? My therapist gets me to wrap myself tightly in a pashmina, so that I can feel all of my 'edges', so to speak.

Maybe let yourself dissociate today; you will need all your energy tomorrow and I'll bet you'll find the strength and focus tomorrow. Rather like sitting the hardest exam of your life. You will do really well, and you'll give it your all, and then you'll be exhausted for days. But that's fine.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I hope it goes well for you. Please take care of yourself.

 

[scout86]

Hang in there! (There will be a bunch of us with you in spirit, even if we can't be with you in person.)

The day before something I really and truly dread, I try to stay VERY VERY busy, so I don't have time to think about it. I don't know how this works for you, so maybe it won't help. I try to get out of the house and go someplace where my mind is kept too occupied to get lost worrying about what ever it is I'm dreading. I also try to find a way to get as physically tired as I can. (My T informed me last week that he thinks I have "ADD tendencies" at least, so maybe physical activity won't help someone else as much.)

Mytai, just know that, what ever happens, your friends here support you and are proud of you!!! I'm not really the hugging type, but you can sure have a virtual hug if you want one!

 

[The Albatross]

Sour works for me to bring me back - tangerine altoids or those sour warheads. I kept a tin in my purse for the longest time.

Maybe some aroma therapy? Something on a handkerchief you can inhale? Eucalyptus works for me that way, or clove.

 

[Ryn]

Praying for you. You are worth it! :hug:

 

[HelenB]

You are doing so well and I am praying for strength and courage for you and for you to really know that you are safe and that this way of facing it is to bring the safety which you so deserve. I am so glad you have people with you who you know are safe and that you are doing so much to look after yourself, as you deserve and need that so much, and I will be thinking of you tomorrow as I am today.

God bless
Helen

 

[madmax]

Perhaps writing about what you will be stating to the police would help take the "bite" out of tommorow.

 

[jmni]

I understand why you are afraid but you are actually very brave. You are prepared and that is the best thing you can do to increase your "strength."

Remember the police are only people and they may or may not do a good job. Take a recorder (ipod) and keep it in your purse running. (Don't tell them that it's on or that you have it because it would be another precaution.) And if they act weird or hostile or are unprofessional walk away. Don't swim upstream and "right fight." Give yourself permission to walk away from negativity in advance.

There is a saying that helps me understand fear. Sometimes the diving board feels 12 feet high and the water only looks 2 feet deep, but in reality the board is only 2 feet high and the water is 12 feet deep. Maybe that can help you too.

 

[Bedbug]

Sending you my very best wishes. Your courage is inspiring.

 

[macca]

I don't know if I'm too late with this comment, but I'm tending towards thinking just let yourself be today, and save your energy for tomorrow. Remember, you won't be alone, your advocate will be with you and all of us here will be with you in spirit. Albatross's suggestion of sour warheads seems a good one - or using strong smells like eucalyptus, for when you go in.