General Tomorrow Morning Is Graduation Day, For My Corpsman Warrior

[harmony of love]

Aloha,

I would love to receive support tonight. As stated above, tomorrow is my love's graduation day from a live-in PTSD treatment program at our military hospital. A couple days prior he told me that part of him wants me there and part of him does not. He just told me through a text, "I would prefer you not to come tomorrow, so I gain more independence. I need to do this alone."

I am trying not to take this personal. I think for the first time, I am not overly hurt by his needs and choices. For the first time I feel as though I prepared myself for this outcome. Unlike our past, I did not take as much responsibility for my own well being. No matter what element in life, I ought to live with a mindfulness of impermanence.

My heart does not want to wallow in disappointment or discouragement. I shall press on and hopefully my love will have a healing day. One that builds his self worth and understanding of his pain. I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see his beautiful smile and face during the ceremony. Listen to his speech, while I ponder about his health and praise his accomplishments.

I just cleaned our sweet cottage, gearing up for his Thursday arrival. He is returning home and has not lived here since October 25th. It may be very emotional for him. I intend on wearing the coral dress as I would have if I was invited to his graduation. I would like to look beautiful for him.

At first, I contemplated not asking him tonight if he would like me to attend the ceremony. Hoping to just show up there with my love and smile. Then I realized that is immature to behave in such a manner. I wanted to respect him more by clarifying his personal space, not just invade/cross fingers.

Things might change drastically in the near future. He may ask me to leave, I fear that could happen, but I have fashioned a safety net. My entire family lives in NY, so I have no one to run to at the moment. I have lived on my own in Hawaii for years now. Made a big leap after graduate school and fell in love with Hawaii.

My warrior and I only met back in July 09. I am 31 years old now and his is 27, his contract ends with the Navy in February where he has fulfilled 9 years. Our original plan is covered with quick sand routes all around. He may be released late because of a medical board delay. He feels a lot of pressure. Expressed that he needs more grounding before we can get married. I truly appreciate his concern for the potential of effects PTSD. I feel in my heart he is trying to find himself and if and when he is ready then we can have an honest chance. I would be selfish if I expected more. I shared with him last week, "I want security, I want stability, I want a relationship." It was the healthiest conversation we have had since he became ill.

To be sincerely honest, it felt amazing to have expressed my emotions/needs. I have replayed that conversation over and over again. It has not gotten old. My self-esteem is also increasing with baby steps. We had a productive and progressive day. I just hope we can keep up the momentum. May we continue to listen and respect each other.

Good night and good healing.

Thank you for reading thus far, I love this forum and feel blessed to have found it.

 

[amethist]

My best wishes to you both Harmony.

While he may have asked you not to attend his graduation ceremony, he did have an excellent reason. He wanted to complete this as he started, and now independently with his head held high at his success.

Take each, minute, hour, day as it comes. Don't try and over do anything with him, just go with the flow.

Take good care of each other and especially yourself.

Amethist

 

[ISupportHer]

Of COURSE you will receive our support! So hard for you right now. Personally, I think it is OK to have some disappointment and fear and all those other emotions. You are human too! I think that it helps me to realize that and then acknowledge it and try to move forward. I don't know how to explain it really, but I have come to see that if I am saying to myself that something doesn't bother me or that sometning doesn't hurt, and it really does, then it sets me up for conflict and having to deal with it anyway down the road.

ISH

 

[shadowchaser]

You got it without a doubt!

 

[valdoodle]

I read your post with great empathy. My partner would sometimes like us to separate for similar reasons, so he can develop into the person he says he can't be with me. I do understand that for the past 25 years he has suffered PTSD and not really had a life/choices of his own. Now he can finally hold his head up, be in a position to make his own decisions, and be OK (ish).

I too have taken a step back, however, a bit of me is stressing inside, eating me up saying 'but what about me?' I feel I have been through all the ups and downs for nothing sometimes. I too want (need) security, stability and a relationship. Othertimes I feel it a real privilege to have shared such a journey, and its been a hell of a journey!

I hope your man's homecoming is good and he copes well with coming home. My experience, of my partner coming home from treatment, was to keep my expectations and our stress levels low. It was always just the beginning. After a few weeks tho things usually settle down and then says he feels better.

Good luck, inner peace and a sence of humour to you! Val