Toolkit: Stop Caring About What Others Think

[BloomInWinter]

I began to get more peace in myself when I realized...what others think of me is none of my business unless I like them, respect them, and/or have to deal with them.

Mind-reading was necessary when I was an abused child. NOT necessary, or healthy as an adult. Especially since I am often wrong. Others don't think like my abusers, hence, what I *thought* they were thinking....usually inaccurate or at least, far less negative than I thought.

A giant waste of my energy.

[DLMURL]http://lifehacker.com/5798446/how-to-stop-caring-about-what-other-people-think-and-get-back-your-self+respect[/DLMURL]

When someone tries to relay what 'another' third-party 'says about' me, I halt those comments. 'If it was that important, they'd have told me already.'

People who relay the unkindness of others are NOT acting in anyone's best interest but their own. Watch out!

 

[ifonly]

People who relay the unkindness of others are NOT acting in anyone's best interest but their own. Watch out!

So true. Even when they say, "oh I'm telling you this for your own good/knowledge/information" - I mean seriously, what are we supposed to DO with that information? Oh. I know. Use it to beat ourselves up just a little bit more.

It is relationally (covertly) aggressive behaviour of the highest order and people who engage in it know exactly what they're doing - unlike (generally) the person on the recieving end of their dirge.

I'm off to checkout the lifehacker link - thanks Bloom!

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Wow! So much wisdom early in the morning...

My parents (mom especially) expected me to mind read. I am not sure why abusers expect that. The closest I come to mind-reading now is lip-reading. I struggle enough to read the actual lines, that I have given up trying to read between the lines as well.

Relational aggression... That is what I wrote my M.A. thesis on. My research focused on relational aggression between siblings. In the lab in which I was working at the time, we definitely learned that relational aggression is often considered more harmful than physical aggression (similar to what many have posted on the Forum about abuse).

Thank you!

 

[ifonly]

In the lab in which I was working at the time, we definitely learned that relational aggression is often considered more harmful than physical aggression (similar to what many have posted on the Forum about abuse).!

More harmful?? Wow. I included a little research on relational aggression in my masters thesis too & it was amazing how reading up on it also contributed to my own growth on a personal level. That was something I totally didn't expect! A few short years ago, I'd never even heard of relational aggression.

How the brain expands when it has to in order that we can learn and grow and work toward living a healthy healing life! :)

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm learning to bravely ask the question "Why are you bringing this to my attention? If that [third party who allegedly has this concern] isn't bringing it up, why are you?"

This has worked very well for me this week. Calls people out who are pot-stirrers. Also, makes the co-dependent types wonder..."Oh, yeah...huh. I don't know. Why AM I doing this for that person?" or at the very least, stops the conversation.

Wishing I had this tool growing up.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Wow...I can't believe how much more serene my life is most of every day no longer believing I know what others are thinking!

...and I don't accept people telling me 'he/she is (feeling they *think* this third person is feeling but of course just a guess/mind-reading waste of mental energy) because he/she feels/thinks/believes that... (their current unfounded made-up-in-their-head but could be totally off the mark 'explanation'.)

It's far less exhausting to just take people at their word and refuse to try to interpret their message. Makes all the attempts at manipulating my feelings fail. If someone tells me everything is fine, I will assume it is or that they have their reasons for telling me. Those reasons are none of my business.

I'm taking back my life from manipulators.

 

[Whitneys story]

Excellent, Excellent and a million likes!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What Whitney said. Bloom you sure are taking your life back. How I wish I had this information when i was surrounded by people like that. Better late than never. Wow.

 

[Philippa]

It's great work. I'm not sure if it happens to everyone like this, but I have sometimes fallen back into old, dysfunctional habits of thinking I do know what they are thinking, and getting all obsessed...so it's something to watch out for, and remind yourself of the truth and reality, that it's none of your business.

Only what I think of me really matters.

 

[Shellbell]

I obsess and care far more about what other's think of me than I should. It's a protection thing for me. Having been hurt by every single person who was meant to care about me, including my parents, means I am highly suspicious of everyone's motives and honesty.

I try to work out what they are really thinking all the time and don't believe people often.

I've recently stopped spending so much time on facebook. That is helping too :tup:

This is good reading. It really is none of my business what other people think of me. Will try to remind myself often. Thank you.

 

[BloomInWinter]

This is becoming easier for me now to employ in everyday situations.

Even at work, thank goodness!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

There is a freedom in not caring what other people think of us. As children it was life or death depending on what they thought of us. I think that is why toxic families can mess a person up. It hooks into the old buttons they used to push to get a certain reaction.

I do not usually care what people think of me. I do not explain myself to anyone anymore. I am just me and if others have a problem with me, it is their problem and not mine. I sure am getting stronger and wiser in my old age. Did not some wise soul say that wisdom is simply the results of so many of our bad mistakes?