Toolkit: Stop Caring About What Others Think

[Red Feather]

I used to be like this. I used to be able sing christmas carols on the streets and I earned so much money. I didn't care when people walked by and made faces. I didn't care what they thought. What mattered were the people who stopped and listened. I earned so much money doing that.

I don't understand why I have changed so much and why PTSD made me so sensitive. I do not know where to start again so I can go back to that other person. If there is a toolkit, I would need serious reworking.

 

[nimkekaa]

I obsess and care far more about what other's think of me than I should.

Me too! I have been working on this lately also. It they are not important people in my life then I don't care what they think.

I have spent so many years trying to be what everyone wanted me to be. Now I want to be who I want to be.

 

[Whitneys story]

I do not know where to start again so I can go back to that other person.

JMHO Start in the now and build your toolkit of the memories and actions that you felt good about from then. Work these feelings into how you feel now. As you have been using a diary, you might have reworked a lot of this; now you can focus on the plus and minus aspects. As Always, Many Warm Hugs, Whitney

 

[Red Feather]

Work these feelings into how you feel now. As you have been using a diary, you might have reworked a lot of this; now you can focus on the plus and minus aspects.

Thanks Whitney, I will write your words into my journal. :)

 

[Whitneys story]

This is intended to be funny! It is also how I feel about others opinions of me.

Being 5' 2" tall wearing size 7 shoes in public, in life I wear a size 22 boots. I am not a clown and do not wear extra socks. There is always someone who wants to judge, no one has ever offered to fill my shoes in public.

Yet here we can fill our toolkits with help from others. I am so fortunate. Hugs Whitney

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I needed help. It was a elderly problem. I called and asked for help and got it. I did not care what they thought of me because I could not read the tiny words on the pamphlet. He made a comment and I just blew it off and ignored it. I did not explain myself. Problem solved and I did not have to pay a cent.

 

[Britt.f7]

I learned to ask people if I had done something, etc., and not knowing became obsessive in my mind. I needed to stop it from going around and around, because it tended to get worse with each rotation. At that moment I really don't care what they think about my asking. Better to stop the noise in my head.

My sister does not fight fairly, she usually brings everyone else into the conversation without naming names. I've learned not to listen to that part of her because I know she doesn't speak for everyone. Still, every once in awhile, I do let it creep in and bother me.

The last time I went to a social function, filled with anxiety, I kept reminding myself that they were not focusing on my faults and that they had their own things to deal with. It helped some.

 

[Pinkcake]

I am terrible about doing this. Its a confidence issue for me. On top of dealing with PTSD I have other issues (one being an ACOA).

I look for ways to apply negatives that people say to me even if that person never intended it to be toward me or anyone I know. I SEARCH for ways to make the negatives about me and the positives about someone else. Instead of being confident and accepting of a compliment, I look for ways to downplay or discount it completely. I think people are looking down on me or that they are picking out ugly features in me when I'm in public.

The good part is that now I recognize when I am doing it and I can tell myself that I'm doing it and try to stop. I hope I get more successful in my attempts to stop the negative thoughts or stinkin thinkin.

Thanks for posting this!

 

[BloomInWinter]

After reading through where I was, I am so relieved this is much easier for me now.

I have a much firmer sense of self. I am able to put much more energy into good self-care and time management. I am learning how to stop being a doormat. I still struggle in many ways, and I have a long time to go.

But I no longer think every random person is more entitled to my limited energy than me and my family are.

 

[Holly08]

I too care way too much what others think. I try to decipher body language, perceive things the wrong way and basically just mess with my own mind. I guess after years of brainwashing and mind games from family members, abuse from strangers and so on, that I misconstrue a lot of actions and words. I realize I should let go, stop trying to over-analyze everyone and thing.

 

[BloomInWinter]

@Pinkcake , I too am an ACOA - that is "Adult Child of an Alcoholic" (or ACA as some groups now call it.)

Our cognitions were formed with defensive structures necessary for our very survival. Had we been raised by emotionally healthy, loving, safe people we would have been able to develop a world view that the world is basically a good place, we are loved, we are safe, and that people generally are safe and kind.

When that was not the case, we instead developed defensive structures to hide our core selves from those who would harm us. An imperfect but necessary defense, this helped us.

As we eventually gain control of our lives and no longer need these defenses, we need help to not only set them down but also to learn what to replace them with. How can we know what's missing if we never knew something was missing?

We mercilessly judge ourselves by what we think others think of us, since we were taught that our opinions/feelings/perceptions didn't matter. Unfortunately, around healthy adults, they really aren't thinking of us like abusers/users/manipulators think.

The way we talk to ourselves really is important. The more self-approval we give ourselves, the less other people's opinions matter to us.

Some cognitive and or verbal challenges when we are worried about another's opinion include affirmations such as:

• What that person thinks of me is none of my business
• I have no idea what that person is thinking so I'll not waste my energy speculating
• I don't admire, respect, or care about that person, so I'll not care what that person is thinking
• Rather than worry about what I said, I'll ask that person about this situation at the earliest opportunity
• If they didn't bring it to my attention themselves, then I don't want you telling me. Please don't share that gossip with me.

I'm doing better at this but it is still a long process. I am really just learning all the complex defensive structures directing my thoughts, feelings, actions, and beliefs. Identifying them isn't fun but it is empowering.

 

[Britt.f7]

What that person thinks of me is none of my business

My therapist just said this a couple sessions ago. Part of me wonders how true that is really. If it is about you shouldn't it be your business? It would just be easier if it wasn't.

I reread the first post and I never put two and two together until I read it right now. All those years of watching for my mother's and sister's volatile moods has left me watching others. Sometimes you forget how much something effected you. And you are right, I'm not always correct in my assumptions. Close, perhaps, but then that is where it not being my business must come in.