Relationship Tools for disengagement/re-engagement

[Hojay]

When your sufferer is hellbent on taking you down the scenic route to crazy clown town, what are the active tools you have developed and can pass on to disengage and, just as important for us, re-engage? Specifics would be great!

Disengagement - in person, via phone, or text
Having tried it all to disengage when roped into a fight, and failed somehow, I'm now thinking of preparing a fixed message that I can send him each and every time he crosses the line, (after hanging up the phone or when talking via text) instead of coming up with some sort of exit on the spot. In person, leaving the room is the obvious strategy.
What are your tools? How do you disengage with minimum drama and fallout?

Re-engagement
The scenic route often entails having to put up with pretty shoddy behavior and/or something one wanted to discuss in the first place which was then drowned out by a trigger talk. I have yet to establish a mode of re-engagement with my partner that gets MY needs met as well. Other than some half-baked ultimatum (I won't talk to you until you apologize or I won't talk to you until you address what I wanted to talk about,) I'm unsure of how to reconnect without sweeping it all under the rug OR re-triggering him.
What are your tools for re-engagement (other than giving them the space they need)? How do you handle it in a way that meets both of your needs?

 

[Buttercup]

I'm not an expert here at all, but I would say the equivalent of leaving a room when texting might be not responding any longer...disengage immediately when you see you are headed down that conflict road.

If on the phone say you anything you might say in person before leaving the room (i have read great examples here but can't come up with them at the moment) and theb hang up the phone.

I would add in all circumstances to try and keep your anger to a minimum and come from a place of love and care.

When you re-engage I say to wait for a time he is receptive to talking. When he is calm.

Texting is hard because you have no idea what state of mind they are in. Ibhave learned that much. Don't get into any serious discussion over text unless you know without a doubt the state of mind is such they can handle it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Texting is a nightmare when they're volatile. It goes downhill fast. Honestly I just stop responding if he gets nasty. I'll just text something like "this conversation is getting way too confused over text, I need a time out", then I'll take a time out. I'm not going to toss any gasoline on that fire. Him being angry at my silence usually goes better then him getting furious at everything I say, or him picking apart the nuances of every word and interpreting my "hidden agendas."

I hate texting when he gets like that.

 

[Cleo1521]

Texting is a nightmare when they're volatile. It goes downhill fast. Honestly I just stop responding...

This. So much of this. “Hidden agendas”. Mine hasn’t spoke to me in weeks and we came face to face at the store yesterday. I went numb and couldn’t even speak. So I didn’t. That turned into me not being warm and welcoming and then that I say too much when he doesn’t respond. (When he stopped speaking to me) That doesn’t even make sense. I was doing so good with this until I saw him.

 

[Mackie]

Recently when a phone conversation escalated and he hung up. I texted him "I'm OK ... I'm sorry the conversation escalated". I wasn't expecting a response. I just wanted him to know I wasn't upset. He did respond though with "K Sorry".

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I welcome answers to the question of when sufferers are not speaking to you or seeing you, what does that usually mean? My sufferer and I haven’t had a verbal conversation since before Thanksgiving and a while back he texted me, all is forgiven, his apologies, he needs more time. It’s very confusing because if all is forgiven, then why can’t we speak or see each other? I want to stand by and support, but when you’re basically pushed out of someone’s life, what do you do?

 

[dulcia]

I'm now thinking of preparing a fixed message that I can send him each and every time he crosses the line, (after hanging up the phone or when talking via text) instead of coming up with some sort of exit on the spot.

This is what I did for a while. Had it saved in the note section of my phone and would just copy and paste. Basically my go to in the long run ended up being, "I don't want to have this conversation over text", "I don't want to have this conversation over the phone", or "I don't want to argue" if in person. No ifs ands or buts, because that just gives him something to argue back against. Also, no you statements, just I. Still, sometimes he would even come back with "I'm not arguing!". But then you really have to stop there. Stop until they reach back out to you. Many, many times I would leave him be for a few hours or a day, and then reach out to him to see if he was good yet (phrased more eloquently, of course), when it was too soon for him and he would lash out all over again. I would also note that limiting volatile conversations to face to face only is obviously ideal, but can be a challenge for long distance relationships with PTSD.